How Do You NOT Rip Him Another One? - Al-Anon Family Group

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

How Do You NOT Rip Him Another One?

blender_girl · Senior Member

You're in the right place.

RUN, don't walk to an alanon meeting. That's what a counselor told me a few years ago. Boy am I glad I listened to her!

Living with an active A is a LOT - this is a great place to learn how to get yourself back.

I wish you luck!

Keep coming back!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Stormie...welcome back. Soooo you find out that you're really not
so different eh? Nows the time to do the stuff you haven't done. You
cannot get what it is that you haven't worked for. Sounds sane huh?
You're missing out on a ton of support and help by keeping yourself out
of face to face meetings. For what ever reason? Forget the why you
don'ts and give the program 90 days. Hell 90 days is nothing measured
side by side with 38 years. (((((hugs)))))

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Gail,

I just got back from my Tuesday night meeting, been in the program a little over 2 yrs. I may miss 2 meetings a year. I go for myself first, and I go for others, and newbies. Tonight there were 3 newbies, one with a story much like yours. She attended Al-Anon meetings 26 years ago, but when her AH became sober she got away form the program. So why did she come back tonight? After 26yrs her AH started back drinking a month ago. He is already drinking more each day than he did before he quit years ago. She stayed after the meeting and talked to a lady I know well whose AH did the same 6 months ago after 9 yrs of soberity.

The lady got a lot out of the meeting, and the meeting after the meeting. She got the phone number of the lady who walks in her shoes. They are going to talk on the phone and meet one day for lunch. Before tonight they had never met. Experience, Strength, and Hope is what Al-Anon offers and it is free at meetings. The lady got a thousand dollars worth of ESH and all the free coffee she could drink tonight. Now she has a new family, who loves and cares about her. Five hours ago she was lonely, tired, angry, frustrated, and did not know which way to turn. She turned to Al-Anon as I hope you do.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC at 00:19, 2008-12-03

-- Edited by RLC at 20:49, 2008-12-03

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

the statement * thought it would be diff this time * just might be the clue u need to get as u put it your tush to an Al-Anon meeting ,that is our insanity doing the same thing over andover again expecting it to be diff .
35 yrs is along time , obviously your there because u want to be , I believe that al-anon is the reason my husb sobered up , when i stoped covering up for him , believing his lies , making excuses for his behavior etc the list is long = things changed pretty quick around here . with the focus on my needs for a change I left him alone to do what he had to do while I got my life back on track . he hit his bottom 2-1/2 yrs after i got to program and I had tried for 20 yrs to make him see what his drinking was doing to him and our family - go figure . all I had to do was back off look after me and allow him to do what he had to do with no interference from me . the best way to support our husb is to find our own program , change what we can our attitude often when one person gets happy the alcoholic will follow us into recovery no guarantees but it is a win win situation for us either way I win. If we want change we have to be willing to create it . Al-Anon is a great place to start. I hope u change your mind and find some meetings . I was told if I wasn't part of the solution I am part of the problem . didn't sit to well for me at the time but I got it . we have a part in this mess and when we stop enabling things change . Ididn't want to leave my marriage either and I believ al aon is what made it possible for me to stay . we have 19 yrs sobriety in our home and our lives have changed alot . and all I had to do was get out of the road . good luck Louise

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not laughing. I dont' see anyone who is. I see people who are concerned for you, and want you to feel better.
As a double winner, I can't tell you how many people quit after that 1st year. Somehow they come to think that they're cured for some reason and they stop working the program. I don't understand this logic, I never did, but I see it's efffects and you're experiencing them first hand.
I'm with the others, this may be the kick you need to get back to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. The fact is, until the alcholic suffers enough under their own behavior, they won't change. But so long as others are protecting themselves from themselves, they have no reason to change.
The best thing, by far, you can do, is take care of yourself. Invest in yourself. We'll be here the whole of the way.

JenM · Member

I lived with an active A for four years, then he didn't drink for three but no program. It isn't easy and I couldn't have done it without the Twelve Steps and my Al-Anon family.
If I wanted to rip him another one, I called my sponsor or another AFG member. The moment would pass and I'd breathe again.

I'm grateful for all those things I DIDN'T say.

LG · Member

Gail, I'm living with active alcoholism as well (wife), and have for about 7-8 years now. I too experience the same emotions, often. I don't have the magic answer for you but I have been doing Alanon f2f meetings for two years now, I have a sponsor, I try and work the steps. Without the program I think it likely that I would have left (or gone completely insane) by now.

Also I probably recite the Serenity prayer to myself oh, 15-20 times a day. To help me get past those moments I literally wanted to rip (her) a new one, or when I'm feeling overwhelmed/frustrated/hopeless.

I also use the saying "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" to keep me from saying something I'll regret later.

Wish I could say I've found the total magic answer, but those things help me on the bad days.

Larry

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I do know for me detaching is a real art. Detaching from being over reactive is so so key for a codependent. I think that Toby Rice Drew in the Getting them Sober series as some very interesting takes on "relapse".

For me personally I have to super detach from anyone who is using substances. Of course I can't totally ignore them but I have very very very low expectations of them. I also really work on not expecting anything from them emotionally.

Maresie.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Everyone:

I want to thank each of you for your responses. The last few days have been exhausting due to work. Late nights.

I will come back to this board and re-read all the posts this weekend when my head is running on all its cylinders. Right at the moment, it is difficult to process anything, let alone emotional content.

Again, thank you all for your time and caring. Gail

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.