The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Like man others codependents, self care is a whole foreign territory for me. Put me in front of an active alcholic and I'll make it my life purpose to take care of them and anticipate their needs. My own needs go astray so often I find it like a incredible puzzle and really very difficult to keep coming back to what do I need to do next. Recently I've become aware that my overdependence on others and my constant over reactivity really drains me. I have been working on detaching and detaching and making better choices. Like everything else that is also foreign territory for me. This past holiday was a mellow one which is a complete opposite from last year and the years before when the holiday was totally consumed with emotion, reaction, over reaction and feeling like a victim.
Yet I have to say t his stability is not my forte. I feel totally out of the loop not being in a constant over reaction, not rushing to rescue others, not feeling overwhelmed with someone else's issues or being resentful to the point of toxicity.
I do know practice makes perfect. I am indeed having success at taking care of myself. Nevertheless I do have to bring myself back to that task at least a 100 times a day as it is totally and completely unfamiliar to me.
Thanks for your share. I have learnt so much from you and admire your tenacity. I am in very early recovery, somedays I feel as though I've not even started. I feel sick at how sick I am I've not posted for a while as I'm just trying to find some balance.
You describe so well our codependant behaviour when put with an A. I am really trying to change, I can see my behaviour for what it is, the other day I found myself completing the Karpman triangle in about 30 seconds flat! but it was really good to understand what was happening to me, and why I felt like that. Like you I am having to practice, practice and practice some more. My old behaviour feels so comfortable and self care is a way off for me. I need all the help I can get. I just want to thank you for your esh and inspiration.
Staying out of the karpman triangle is very new for me. There is not one day that I don't do it. Recently I read David Sedaris's "When you are engulfed in flames". There is a recurring theme in many of his essay's about how we continually rate ourselves around others. Of course I do that a hundred times a day and now I choose to opt out of it but I'd have to say when I was with the A I was compulsive about it. For me as a recovering codependent I do hundreds of things that are self destructive. I have to work on identifying them then stopping them. For me its a matter of observation and commitment. I'm commited to taking care of me rather than commited to taking care of everyone but me as I was.
I've not posted for a while as I'm just trying to find some balance.