Why is it so hard for me to let go of my anger? - Al-Anon Family Group

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Why is it so hard for me to let go of my anger?

Sincerely · Senior Member

i'm angry too! i think i am more mad at myself than my hubby! i am mad at myself for getting comfortable again only to be let down. i am angry that i love someone with this sickness. i am angry that the "through sickness and in health" part of our vows revolve around his sickness. i am angry because the solution to this drama lies in my hands. the solution is what am i going to do for myself to get better so i can have a nice life. seems like i am always the one who has to do something. i know if i just give my will over to my hp it would ease up a bit. ugggggggggg..........i'm angry too!

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What is so bad about being angry?

When my AH was around, I hated, and was angry at "the other guy" the AH who came out when he used. It was the pickled brained guy who could not walk with pride, stunk, was stupid. Made no sense, repeated himself and made a complete fool of himself.

Of course you are mad, the stupid disease took your loved man away again!

used to be a goat on Sesame street that said,"It ain't baaaaaaaad to be mad!"

I think you would be crazy not to be mad, disappointed, frustrated. I remember that warm loving feeling,things have been nice, then in one tiny second, the dang ah disease pops out again, and it is the other one....

sigh. hugs,debilyn

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Intothewoods)))),

To me anger was a waste of energy unless turned into something positive. He has a disease and there's nothing no one can do about it. I learned when I was feeling angry to rechannel it into something else. Here's the other thing I had to think about: if you don't want to live like this, why do it? At some point I had to decide when enough was enough. I had to rethink things. I had to change my way of thinking and feeling. Sometimes I slipped in my thinking. I decided I was no longer going to give his disease the satisfaction of getting angry. It's like someone who continually pushes your buttoms to get a reaction out of you. You either choose to play the game or walk away. I choose to walk away. It's a game I can't win, and there' s no use in trying. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Piper Claus

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

I got a lot of house cleaning and weeds pulled from the yard done in my moments of anger. This makes me think of my sponsor who constantly reminded me of our phrase "When I got Busy, I got Better."

I would go out to the front yard in a rage and just attack those weeds. Before long I would find myself enjoying being outdoors working in the yard, plus the sense of satisfaction in seeing how much better the yard was looking without them weeds. The same for the housecleaning. I always feel better when my home is clean and not a mess.

The thing is, it took my mind off the A and what was causing my rage. It refocused my mind on good things, things that I cared about, things that made me feel good. And it helped me to get through the days until I could decide what "game" I wanted to be involved in.

The only "game" I'm interested in nowadays is one where I am treated well, where my kids are treated well, where sanity reigns.

Hugs to you.
Kis

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think what you're labeling as anger is the grief process. For me, when I would see my father be sober for a time, be the father I knew he could be, be the father I always wanted, I too got my hopes up, began the trust process, et cetera. And then when my father would relapse I too would feel lost and alone, and extremely angry at myself for trusting this man that had done terrible things to me.
I think the solution that has been presented to you is all around the best ideas: get a sponsor, go to meetings, work the steps, use the literature. The fact was for me that as long as I placed my happiness in the hands of my alcholic father, there wasn't any. When I took the chance that I could have a life of my own and have a happiness of my own, I realized the fullness of life and the enourmity of life.
There's a quote in "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" that always has stuck with me: "Life is short but it is wide. This too will pass in time."

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

There is some great anecdotal stuff about this in the program. Lois was often livid with Bill W. There are stories of her cursing him out when he was ill and the throwing the shoe incident. We all have anger when they go back out again. I think for me the anger was this huge over reaction which eventually became an over reaction to everything. Really for me coming to terms with his "illness" was huge. When I did, I stopped having the hope he'd stop then I started to really take care of myself.

Of course I have much much anger that I lived with this for so long. Personally I could not get out of the anger till I really worked on detachment. For me detachment and boundaries go hand in hand. I had to come to al anon to learn boundaries. I was not willing before. For me the anger was a huge issue in being angry at myself of how I set myself up time and time again. I'd say about one millionth of it was towards the A. I felt livid with msyelf that I did not "score" someone who would get sober for me.

Maresie.

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Thank you all for your ESH.

I really appreciate hearing permission to be angry. That's something I've struggled with a lot, just giving myself permission to feel how I'm feeling and not beat myself up about it. Being angry at myself for being angry? Now *that's* crazy! ;)

I'm slowly coming to terms with my anger, and recommitted to going to meetings and really working it. I guess we need these moments sometimes to get us going.

cabinfever5 · Member

My problem is anger, too. Breathe slowly and deeply three times. Take care of yourself.

cabinfever5 · Member

Very cool response.

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