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My husband drinks every night. He has a great job, he's responsible so I don't understand his drinking. I can't seem to go through life as though his drinking doesn't bother me. I have no family or friends in the state we live in. We moved here two 1/2 years ago. He gets angry when he's been drinking and yells and screams at me or calls me awful names if I have a different opinion about something. It's always a one way conversation with him. I can speak once he's done talking but by then I don't have much to say. We went to visit his parents out of state for 10 days, he drank every night we were there. We had a good visit with his parents, went sight seeing, just relaxed but it was during the evening when he started drinking just like he does here at home. Once his parents went to bed, he kept drinking to the point of passing out.
I was doing ok for a long while but since we got back from vacation yesterday, his drinking is getting to me again. He got very drunk last night and got angry, so I told him I didn't want to talk to him and I went to bed. He passed out on the couch and the this morning he got up and went to work like nothing was wrong. He got home from work tonight and he acts like every thing is ok. I'm not sure what I need to do. Just venting, thanks for listening......
Hello, your coming here was your first step in searching for help with an addict AH.
You can find meetings in your area to attend that will open your eyes to see you are not the only one feeling how you do.
You can read endless messages on here and learn so much.
An addict is sick, it is a disease. In the early stages many A's can carry a job and seem ok. But as they drink it causes more damage to every part of his body and mind. As he gets sicker, the people around him get sicker.
He drinks or uses because he is an addict. He is basically allergic to alcohol and he craves it. There are people allergic to the smell of gas but are drawn to it. strange.
He is drawn to use. It is up to him to get into AA or whatever program to stop using. We can do nothing. He has to want it for himself.
Our job is to take care of our kids, home, finances, protect ourselves from losing our homes, losing all financial stability and more.
It is a sad disease.
I am glad you are here, keep coming back! love,debilyn
Yes, it sounds familier when you said "A's can hold jobs" and seem normal to others. That is what my husband tells me....." I have a great job" so why do I have to get so upset about his drinking. I know it's causing him harm "health wise" but it doesn't seem to bother him. He gets along well with his co-workers and they think he is such a great guy. They don't live with him and they know nothing about his drinking problem once he's off the job. Thank you for replying to my post. Have a good evening. Rose
You are living my life - at times I cannot believe that it doesn't affect the job but it sure makes homelife difficult and that is an understatement.
You didn't mention any kids but my A's drinking in the evening requires me to do all the driving to kid activities etc. Basically once he starts drinking it continues until he is passed out or stumbles to bed.
There is a lot my A doesn't remember at all once he starts drinking so that is why they can come home like nothing has happened. However, my kids and I remember and in the past if we called him on it his first technique was to throw the blame at one of us and when that didn't work it was guilt. This is a baffling and crazy disease.
The best thing I did for me was to find and attend an al anon meeting just over a year ago. I went 1 to 3 times a week and kept going for at least 6 meetings to see if this would help and it sure did. I hadn't realized how sick I had become by trying harder and harder to make everything all right for the family. I lost a lot of self confidence, self worth, self esteem and so much muddled thinking - hard to stay sane when you live in insanity.
Now somethings are the same but AH is better in someways and I am better in a lot of ways. Find a meeting and listen, lots of wisdom and these folks know what you are going through. You are not alone. Keep coming back here too.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself ,dosen't mater if he is alcoholic or not his drinking is bothering you and our prog will help u with that . There is nothing u can do about him he will do what he has to do . There is always hope don't give up especially on yourself , you will learn how to detach with love and not get sucked into this disease any more , leave it with him where it belongs . Your not the reason he drinks , he drinks because he has a problem period but until he says what he's doing is causing him a problem IT ISN'T IT'S CAUSING U A PROBLEM . U need support from people who understand what your feeling and will share thier own experiences with you and what they have done to make thier lives better. My husb was also a functioning alcoholic , never missed a day and ran his own business was very sucsessful until he got sick , this get worse never better . we have 19 ys of sobriety in our home our lives have changed alot for the better so dont give up . if u call 1-888-4alanon they will give u location of meeting in your area the number is toll free and international , lines are open from 8am to pm eastern time Mon thru Fri . good luck Louise
No, there are no children living at home. My son is grown and I have a precious grandson who will be 10 in Feb. My husband has an 18 year old son, who just recently went to live with his biological mother in California. My stepson caused us so many problems the last 8 years and we are finally able to enjoy our middle aged years. My husband uses any excuse to drink, so now that his son moved out, it's always about something or someone esle causing his drinking. I now know Alcoholics drink just to drink. It's not my fault or anyone elses. I will find al-anon meetings in my area, and hope it will help me learn how to cope with this. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it very much.
Hello, Thank you for that. Your message brought tears to my eyes. I used to ask myself what I did wrong to make my husband want to drink. I just couldn't figure it out because even when we were having a good time, going places, watching a good movie, having a nice conversation, or just relaxing at home, he would still drink. He was a heavy drinker years before we met, but I found out later that he was. I think it would help me to attend an al-anon meeting in my area. Have a good evening.
Welcome to al anon! As you can see, you're definately not alone. There's alot of theroies about why alcholics drink, but I can tell you something being a double winner: the absolute best thing you can do for your husband is take care of yourself. You've gotten a great start by asking questions on this website. Keep it up! We've all been where you are now and have all felt what you are now. Keep coming back! I recommend you get a meeting scedule for meetings in your area, and go to them for at least 2 weeks before you decide whether or not Al Anon is for you. I feel al anon saved my life. But some people choose not to keep with it. That's okay. There are no "musts" here. Keep asking questions and keep coming back, and you'll find the solutions.
The A who I was with "functioned" for a very long time. Sometimes the holidays seem the hardest time with them. I'd get up a little hope that we'd have a moment or two of peace. In fact, like my parents and my siblings, the holidays seem to be a time when he upped his consumption. In al anon we have a saying, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. Really for me so much of my letting go and detaching were around those phrases. When I really got to embrace I couldn't control it I got to put the spotlight on me. Really ever since its been on there. I no longer try to control or influence an alcoholic's drinking. I may have thoughts about them drinking, of course I am human but try to control it I don't.
Of course you have many many feelings about living around an A. All of us do. This is a great great place to work on containing them and stopping them from robbing you of a life. Al anon has many many tools that can help. I know I work on them daily. Some of the tools are hard going. They really are. I would not use them except I really have to in order to save my own life. These days for me its about my life, my issues, my problems, not the way someone else is affecting me.
The A who I was with still drinks I am sure of it, still consumes drugs, I am pretty sure of that now. The person who changed was me.
Maresie, My husband started drinking more and more when his son was causing so many problems. He started using it as an excuse to drink every day. His son has moved out and he's still drinking every night. He came home from work yesterday and I was on my computer and I didn't have much to say to him due to his getting drunk the night before. He says "are you mad or something"? I looked at him and said no, but I couldn't believe he was asking me that question. Did he forget what he said to me the night before!! He was cursing at me, telling me to go see my family on Christmas by myself (they live out of state). I will go alone if he decides not to go with me. I have no problem with that. I won't change my plans because of my husband. I miss my family so much and especially my 10 year old grandson. It was a hard decision to make having to move out of state away from my close family due to my husbands job promotion. We had to relocate, so here I am. I quit my job of 25 years to move out here, and it wasn't easy to find a new job. My parents don't know about his drinking problem, and I don't want to worry them. I am feeling so sad and lost right now.
I am looking for al-anon meetings in my area. I don't like going out alone at night but I really have no choice. I have no friends or family close by. I guess I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life and learn how to cope. Thanks for your message. Have a good day.....Pinkrose
I know it can be a real challenge to download the right software but we do have meetings here twice a day. They are on EST. There is a wonderful crew of people who host different meetings. I used to live in those meetings and in the chat room here when I first started out.
The A who I was with had inifite excuses or reasons for his drinking and using. Generally it was associated around "poor me".
I know I had fight after fight around everything especially the holidays with the exA I was involved with. I was in constant, unremitting over reaction to him.
If you have a chance get yourself any of the books on codependency, any of the al anon texts are helpful especially some of the later books. The more you can immerse yourself in looking at your codependency the less you will react to him. Of course you have every right to be aghast, angry, sad and upset at your situation. At the same time the more we learn about alcholism the less personally we take it. There is also an offer of a great great book at the top of the page, Getting them Sober is an excellent text. The way that Toby Rice Drew writes with total non judgmentalism is so helpful.
I can certainly relate to being exhausted, fed up, in over reaction, in accumulation of years of dealing with someone. I was in constant chaos, constant over reaction and absolutely exhausted when I got here. I am not now in that place and can certainly attest to the tools helped me. Is my life a wonderful place now, certainly not. I am definitely challenged but I am not in the bad bad place I once was.
My name is Kelly and after 16 years of trying to help, solve, confront and beg him to stop what you are going through in your note...I asked him to leave and found this family here. I don't know any answers but for some strange reason I stopped coming here for about 4 weeks I think.
We have two little angels and my private hell has been a long road. He's not a monster but his drinking has really taken over. I miss my soulmate so much. I wanted to hang onto hope and dreams but it is what it is and even as I write this to you. It's like a knife cutting into me.
I came back here two nights ago and the pease this family brings to me I can't explain. I have never made it to a face to face meeting but I pray I never stop coming here again. Please know you are not alone and when someones drinking is bothering you. Then guess what? You really need to be here. I listened at these meetings, I learn from these meetings and the most important thing for me. I stopped lying and pretending this was not a problem and try to take care of myself now. I have learned I can make it and give all this worry, pain and failure to my Higher Power. Use this wonderful group's tools and strength to help get through my new journey. I may never be OK with facing facts that I now have a broken home. But for the first time in years I can say I will not be treated like this anymore. I will be safe from the ups and downs of a alcholic and enabler life style. He took my joy and strength away so slowly from me and I just thought this was life and the way it was.
I'm glad you shared on this board because I really needed to remember. I think I was struggling with wondering how I could go back to where I was. Thanks to your share I'm hoping to grow stronger not only for myself but for our children.
Hi Kelly, I really want to go to a ftf meeting. I'm trying to find one close to home. Last night when my husband was drinking he started a conversation and I had my own opinion about the topic and he blew up. I then said I didn't want to talk right now since his anger flares up when he's drinking. It just made him get angrier at me. I just went to bed and I could still hear him ranting in the living room. I just cried myself to sleep as I do many nights. He says such means things to me and calls me awful names, and I am at the end of my rope. He's a totally different person when he's sober. I feel like leaving him and going back to California. I have no family or friends in this state. I feel so alone right now.
When he gets home from work today he will act as though nothing happened. We don't have a kids at home, it's just him and I. I know how you feel and glad you came back. It does help talking with others in the same situation. I will keep coming back as well. Thanks so much for your message. Rose
There are a lot of techniques in al anon where you can learn not to engage. For me personally not engaging with the A was so key. One way to do that was to get very busy. One of the things I got busy with was making a plan be. I made a plan, looked at it, talked about it here and kept at it. I didn't have a good plan, it was a very very very basic plan. Nevertheless I'd have to say making one helped. It helped me to feel active, rather than paralyzed.
I would get caught up in so much of what the A was doing. When I stopped doing that it was truly an act of discipline to get there.
