The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here. My ex Abf has been sober for 27 months now. He broke things off with me about 5 months into his recovery - telling me that he couldn't handle being in a relationship and didn't know when he would be able to handle it. We still talk from time to time, but it's usually just about how his kids are doing with their sports and stuff like that. When he went to treatment, I was so happy and thought that everything was going to be great when he got home. Things were good for a little while, but then he started putting up a wall between us and slowly quit talking to me about things that really mattered. I didn't go to Al-anon. Big mistake on my part, but he is the only A that I've ever been close to and I was and still am so naive about alcoholism. All I was sure of was, I didn't cause his drinking and so it wasn't my problem, right? I've gone to a couple of f2f meetings, but they are quite a distance from where I live. Anyhow, am I crazy to still hope for a relationship with him? I'm not sure how often he goes to his AA meetings, but I do know that he has several AA friends that he keeps in touch with. I just miss him so much. He always drank more than I cared for, but it wasn't until the last few months before he went to treatment that his drinking got really bad - he ended up in the hospital twice. He knows that if he takes another drink he will die. It just seems like he's scared to live a normal life - he has become a workaholic.
I'm really glad that I've found this site. It's really helped reading all your posts.
I know from experience that if a person meets a using addict, it is the addict that chose you.
When they get sober, sometimes they are almost the opposite person they were when using. They are so confused about almost everything. They have to figure out who they are, before they know who they love.
When they stop using and start a program of recovery, they are the maturity they were when they began using. Many were ten on up when they started!
Many who use then get into AA and serious sobriety, all of a sudden have to face everything they did not face and drugged away.
It was my experience to see my A suffer all the deaths, births, his son growing up, leaving me, to only go right back out and use again.
I can tell you, alanon has made me wise to addicts, and to myself. I still mess up, miss him, think crazy thoughts like I have lately....
If I were you, I would dive into alanon, I promise it will make a world of difference for you. Also my being an old lady...I have seen many people get back together more than once in their lifetime.
If you guys really share a bond, he could get more healthy in his sobriety and you two could naturally develop something. But with out alanon and what you need to learn for yourself, there is almost no chance.
Hugs and you are a gem to care to look for answers. love,debilyn
Welcome to al anon! I realize those meetings are far away, but I encourage you to go to them anyway. They'll be the best time investment ever made for you. As far as your boyfriend, sobriety changes everything. When he got sober, he probably realized how he was treating you wasn't ethical, and rather than changing his behavior, he got rid of you. Which is really low, but is the truth. Of course, you'd have to ask him directly, but I've heard this story many times, and this is what's really going on. Rather than deal with the real problem, the alcholic deals with superficial BS to make it look like they're dealing with the problem, and to tell themsleves they are. My suggestion for you is to go to the meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and use the litereature. You'll be surprised how much better you feel when you begin living your live for you, rather than someone else.
I think I missed the A when I was with him more than when we were apart. For me the yearning and the craving were a huge part of my codependence.
I can't explain your ex A's behavior but I do think its pretty common for an A to cut off relationships and say the relationship had something to do with the drinking. As you well know in Al anon we embrace the three C's. We dont' take on any responsibility for their drinking.
Certainly I've known people who have got together with an alcoholic who is sober after some time. Sometimes those relationships work and sometimes they don't.
For me personally and this is my own ESH not an interpretation of your situation (since I don't know you), I was inordinately dependent on the alcoholic. i really arranged my whole ife around him and his crisis and his chaos. As his alcoholism progressed I became more and more dependent until it was just me and him and nothing else. I can't say that was a very healthy situation at all. I also was in incredible denial about this.
For me personally being separated from the A has been very lonely but it also has been a time for me to look at me and look at why I was interested in an alcoholic in the first place. I have now reviewed how I look at many relationshps. I am a different person now because of it. I am certainly not that far along but I can't say that whether or not the A gets sober is an issue for me anymore. I hope he does but if he doesn't it is not my choosing or anything under my influence. My life no longer hinges entirely around his undoing and his demise. For most of the last 7 years it did.
Hope can be a healthy thing when it is paired with detachment. For me personally the hope I had was a "malgnant hope" a kind of magical thinking that led me to a path of great depression and self destruction. You can of course make your own interpretation of what kind of hope you have and I assure you the path of looking at what your A means to you is a rich, wonderful, enriching path that will help you in the long run.
