The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and so lost. Short History first. I was with my "A" seven years. We are currently not together because of his family. His Mother died last April and his sisters stepped in and he had to move to the family farm or they would have taken his inheratance and I was banned from the farm. The farm I have helped run for the last 7 years because the sisters could not be bothered. We were engaged to be married.
I knew he was an Alcoholic from day one when we got together seven years ago. I had know him from the age of 14 and always loved him. We are currently in our late 40's.
We see each other still and we talk on the phone several times aday. He comes home a couple times a week and stays. His drinking has really gotten bad since he is not around me. And I know his thoughts are not clear because of the drinking. I have told myself that this is the point in time I should make the break and I take steps to do that and then I fall apart. I get lost and lonely. I panic and cannot stop crying.
I just wonder if and how do I stop this hurting. When he is not drinking I am everything in the world according to him. But when he gets to drinking I am left out in the cold.
It's great that you found this site. It has been very helpful to me. You should also go to a face to face meeting. They have brought me sanity that I never would have found if I had never gone.
I understand your feelings of loneliness and feeling lost. The tears and the panic, too, are terribly familiar. You ask how to stop this hurting. You can start by taking care of your needs and learning more about the disease of alcoholism. If you go to a f2f meeting, you can buy some books from al-anon (I think you buy them on this site, too) that would be very helpful to you. You will read a lot about things you will be able to relate to and they will comfort you so that you do not feel so alone, or crazy, for that matter.
My bf was the same way. When he was sober, I was the world to him. But when was drinking, I was invisible. It was so hurtful. It's such a terrible thing, but it is not you.
The way you can get better is by continuing to write on this site and to get to a meeting. Pray. And don't think for a second that you can change his behavior. Only he can do that, so save yourself the drama of trying. Take care of yourself first.
Face the facts square on. Focus on Moonshadow and not the A.
Looks like he chose the inheritance, farm, and dictating sisters. What was their reason for banning you from the farm? Do you know? You have known for years that he is an alcoholic. Not a good start to a lasting relationship.
Please try to find an AlAnon meeting near you and attend it. You will find others who understand and support you. You will find the golden key to a happier life...with him or without him. COme back here often.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I was banned from the farm because without me he is weaker. I was the strength and backbone. If I am around then they would not be able to pull the tricks they are pulling. They would not be able to control him the way they are now. They are doing a lot of stuff that goes against the trust and they know it and I know it but he will not do anything about it.
Thanks you everyone for your kind words. It makes me feel better that I am not alone and I look forward to the support.
Well invest as much time and energy as you can into al anon. I used to be very very very dependent on my ex A. I am not now. I think its a real liabiity and vulnerabiity to be so dependent personally. I know it feels wonderful when they are connecting but when they are not the abandonment is very hard to bear.
You can get help. I know there is help in learning to detach at www.coping.org.
One of the core concepts of al anon is to stop focusing on the alcoholic and his family (I've certainly done that) and start focusing on you and your needs. You can do a lot of improve your situation regardless of what the A doe Al anon has a whole host of tools that really help, the issue is you have to wnat to use them. For some of us things have to get pretty bad before we would do that. When we do use the tools our lives can change immeasurably.
I am coming to understand the dependance I have on him. Even tho I have been the caretaker in the past I still put myself in that role. He is not living with me but every moment is spent thinking about what he is doing, what is going on. I look forward to the day when I can concentrate on me and my life and not his.
Many blessing to everyone and thank you for the support.
