The material presented
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hello all..its been a while since i have posted here...i am still sober and going to meetings...even working for the first time in years...so in that respect all is fairly well
my relationship is still an ongoing uncertainty allthough it has improved four thousand percent since i have gotten sober..but at this poitn it may or may not be over
this past friday i went to speak at a detox center and my girl was supposed to hook up with a couple of ladies and go to a meeting...aa...she never showed up for the meeting..and when i called her..three times that night to see where she was i never heard back from her...this was on friday..today is sunday..i havent called her and still have not heard back from her
she was..obviously to me..debating weather she even wanted to saty sober..and live that sort of life...also..because of my uncertainty in the relationship we had been talking about seeing other people and maybe she finally came to the realization that i wasn't in love with her..love and care about her but i think her feelings for me where much stronger then mine for her...and her needs...physical and emotional i couldn't seem to satisfy...i was either unwilling or simply not the right person for her..we had been tlking about the relationship..blah blah blah blah
anyway..my real concern now is to make certain she is allright?..i mean i don't want nything awful or even bad to happen to her and it is unlike her not to call...i somewhat refuse to call her cause one..i tried...two..in some ways i feel like i have been let off the hook...and three i really don't want to here any lies or that she hoooked up with someone else or any of that sort of drama...i spoke to a woman in one of the meetings who knows her..i think shes gonna call her and let me know the deal
i have been dealing with my feelings and thoughts about the relationship for so long...on so many different angles and perspectives...resentments certainly..a miss matched love...maybe...my need for my own personal space and serenity and not having to deal with her...as i see it..overly emotional needs..probably set back years agao when her mother abandoned her
but i am concerned and uncertain how i feel about all of this..a little scared for her but at the same time a feeling of being let of the hook..dropping the rock..one less burden in my life and maybe that say s it right there...a relationship...an intimate sexual relationship should not never i may say...should never feel like a burden
anyway..that is where i am at right now..hope all is well with others...peace to you all
Great news about your continued sobriety and recovery!! Detachment can be such a hard tool to master, but it is a lifesaver. When I find that my focus is on my A and not on myself, I try to remember that he has an HP and it ain't me!!
Hang in there and keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I had the same problem for a while and it was constantly dealing with the unmanagability part of the first step. I'd admit I was powerless and still kept snatching my alcoholic back from my HP after surrendering her over.
What goes around...comes around.
Other program metaphorically says..."If you keep hanging around the barber shop, sooner or later you'll get clipped." Today that is just not a cute program saying. It means much more.
Thanks for your share, I really need to get some pespective right now. I'm driving myself crazy with trying to work out what to do about someone I may need to let go of.
Keep up the good work and keep taking care of you.
Generally if there is something terribly wrong you hear right away.
I know for me personally the chaos and the constant turmoil of a relationship like this is part of a "trauma bond". The bond is a bit like a big elastic band always there to come back. When I started to recognize the bond was born out of trauma (not just mine) I started to want to change it.
The chaos and the turmoil is an equal part of the bond. That is what keeps it cemented.
CC, congrats on your sobriety and seeking your own serenity. It is certainly not easy. I have to echo what Meresie said, my slogan is "No news is good news", I have used that for many years and it has always seemed to apply. That does not mean that it is easy to wait. You have to make sure you keep the focus on you and take care of yourself. Easier said than done, this I do know. It takes a lot of work. Keep working the program. Remember progress not perfection. For today you keep the focus on you.
Congratulations on your continued sobriety! I am so proud of you, and very happy for you. I think it's awesome.
I think you have to do what you feel you have to. Follow your gut. Having said that, you might want to ask yourself a couple of questions. You've been on both sides of the street.
As an AA member, you know that you can't make them stop. All you can do is plant the seed and hope it sprouts and grows. As an AA member what would you tell yourself to do? You know an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. You might want to talk to your AA sponsor and see what their take on it is.
As an Alanon member, what would you tell yourself to do? Detach? Turn her over to her HP and let HP do the rest? Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if she chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong.
One thing hubby told me when he was in AA. If you two were in this relationship when you were both active, that's all you know about each other. Knowing each other when you are both sober is a different ball game. The dynamics of a sober vs. active relationship are very different. I was lucky I knew my hubby way back when neither of us had any idea that he had a problem with alcohol. He barely touched a drop in college. He was a late blooming addict. So we already knew each other when we were sober (not that I drink). But when he was active and then got sober, we both changed again. Deciding whether or not to go forward with any relationship is hard enough. Add addiction into the picture and that makes it even tougher. I think that's why they tell us that making any kind of major decisions in the first 6 months is not the wisest choice.
I have probably not made any sense to you here. Sorry about that. All I can tell you is whatever decision you make, we are here for you 100%. I hope she's okay. Remember to keep the focus on your recovery. Being a double winner is a remarkable thing. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so proud of you, and very happy for you. I think it's awesome.