The material presented
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I found out today that my husband has a live-in girlfriend. We have been separated 3 years, however, for the first two were trying to work things out. After 8 years of progressive drinking after a 12 year period of sobriety, my AH became sober again and began AA meetings with a vengence. I had high hopes that I would finally re-discover the husband and father he had been during the first period of sobriety. I had already began attending al-anon meetings and began working the steps in earnest. I tried to stay on my own side of the street and work on myself but it became evident that he had lost all interest in having a marriage. He attended meetings every day and every night and began to claim that they were the only persons who he could relate to. He refused to work or take any responsiblilty for any household chores.The burden and stress of supporting the family became too much and I insisted that he get a job or help out some way. He had decided that his vocation was AA and helping other a's and going for coffee after every meeting. He claimed he had no other obligations. What I didn't understand was that his disabilities in that way had actually increased since becoming sober and attending AA. He told me that he didn't feel that the man should have to be the breadwinner and the fact that we would lose our health insurance wasn't his problem, he had other sources of health care. I didn't. This went on for 3 years. Finally he left me because I wasnt supportive of what he was doing. He had left me 3 times before, always to punish me for not agreeing with him. He told me he would come back if I were to start following his rules: Sex on demand, Staying up at night to keep him company desite the fact that I had to work in the morning and he didn't, holding his hand and shouldering his head, no reading, and most importantly no friends or going anywhere or doing anything without him. Since I wasn't an alcoholic I couldn't attend his closed meetings but he insisted on attending all of my Al-anon meetings together. That was the end of it although he would occasionally contact to remind me the choice had been mine.Now he has found someone else to fulfill the role I couln't or wouldn't. He wants a divorce and he wants me to file it and he wants to keep assetts to which I am entitled to. He always wins. He will get to keep his phony disability settlement, his house and new truck and I will be living in a rented room. I stuck with Al-anon for years after he left, I worked the program, tried to believe that god was there watching out for me. But I finally couldn't bring myself to attend anymore, running into him or his friends for whom he has successfully played the passive, nice guy role and believe all his lies. After 25 years together it took him 6 months to replace me but he didn't even tell me. I had to find out from others.I tried so hard to keep our marriage together, to grow in al-anon, to be patient and understanding. I put everything I had into my marriage, trying to figure out what I did wrong because he told me I was the problem. Every time I learn something new he's done, something that once again underscores that he doesnt give a crap about what happens to me, I am devastated all over again because I truly haven't seen the bottom of the betrayals and treachery he's capable of. So it must be my fault. He's moved on, I haven't the heart to go on.I can't get away from him. I have family and friends in ths community, He had none, but he insisted on moving right down the road so he could drive by and check up on me.I know that I just wanted him to love me and every indication has been he doesn't nor ever did. I don't want him back. I see his for what he is now a sober liar, phony, cheat, theif and a person who has never taken responsiblity for anything hes done. In 25 years together he never apologized. I dont want him. I don't love him. I despise the person he is. But I can't seem to find any happiness or content. Only sorrow and pain and a future as bleak as a gray sky stretching to ever horizon.I don't want to confide in any more people, talk about my problems, show any vulnerability.Like others of you I've read I keep putting one foot in front of the other but my feet drag more and more. I feel that god has forgivin him and given him everything he wants and has given me the message that I'm NOT ok as is. In all my years of praying, listening for gods will, just asking his grace to let me feel him I have had no response other than watching my husband get whatever he wants. So I think its me, I am the problem. I'm ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated to be me but I dont know how to stop it. I don't belong anywhere. I am 56 years old and there are things I just know in my heart. I will never have the love of a man. I sqandered my chances on a man who didn't have any love to give me. I'm not the same person I used to be and no matter how far I get away from that situation I can't get back to who I was. I try to stay positive for my kids and grandkids but I can see the disapointment in their faces because I can't pull off the pretense too good. They just want me to be fine. I don't blame them. Really, no one wants someone around who isnt fun and happy. I want to give up go away and find a way to not think or feel anymore.I don't want to see disapointment on my kids faces or pity on any one else's.I want to disappear. Well that's a lot of rambling now. My estranged husband would be ridiculing me right now about how sorry for myself I feel. Poor "xxxxx" he woud say, "POOR POOR XXXXX" Maybe I should change that to my new sign in name.
I guess the only way to go now is up. Unless you are really convinced...like I was once that there was no up. That wasn't the truth for me then and it isn't the truth for you now. What you are going thru is temporary. It may not feel temporary but it is. Continue to work the program and some days get better than others and other days are the most magical you will ever have. I thought that was the biggest bunch of bunk I had ever heard when I got into the program and then I found out it was true. Some days are miraculous, beyond my wildest imagination and I know that I am not more special or diserving than you. Everything doesn't turn to crap unless you give it permission and then force yourself to perceive it that way. There are things to be grateful for and you can count them if you're willing. Only one of them is that your alcoholic is no longer in a position of power over you (unless you give him permission) and there are tons of other people who love and accept you for who you are and aren't demanding you to change anything as a condition.
You might want to reread your post in a day or two after you again surrender yourself to your HP without making demands.
We get out of the program what we put in. It sounds like your husband has taken out of what he has learned in AA exactly what he wants. He is not drinking, but he has minipulated everything else to his advantage, ESPECIALLY you. IF all your getting out of Al-anon is that you are suppose to sit by and wait for him to come back and be the man you want, your not getting it. Tomarrow is a new day. It can be the first day of your journey to your new life. YOU need to start taking control of YOUR life. You have given your life over to a manipulating, selfish, controlling man. Time to take it back, or just take it if you never had it. Start going back to your meetings, but try to find ones that he doesn't go to. There are meetings at this web site. There is a chat room here also. Read your Al-anon books again, but this time focus on what how the program is about YOU, not him. HE is probably never going to change, but you can. You can start the program over, and this time do it for YOU. YOU are not the problem. The only thing you did was your best to try to make this marriage work. You may be thinking "my best wasn't good enough, so its my fault" NO IT ISN'T. His problems seem to go well beyond his problem with drinking. He sounds as if he has a true mental problem. If it is in your power, you may want to seek some professional help to get past the place you are in. Your HP is here for you, but are you sure you are listening to your HP? Your HP wants whats best for YOU. Seek out the help you need, it will not come looking for you.
Those lines represent the biggest hug I would love to be able to actually give you. Your post made me cry not because I feel sorry for you or pity you, because you hurt and I have hurt like that before too.
Your kids and grandkids love you. They want you to be fine bacause they love you not because they want someone to be fun and happy around them. They want you, even if you are not fine. I recently revisited a memory of finally breaking down and crying on my Dad's shoulder ... I was so miserable and humiliated, *laugh* he was relieved to see me not trying to be happy and to be able to do what he could for me, even if all it was that I needed was to make his shirt dripping wet.
My AexH told the most horrible lies about me to all his family, friends ... community at large. It hurt so much, more humiliation more misery. Time though has a way of uncovering the truth to the few who actually cared to listen to him. I'm doing well, living a simple, good life. He has managed to run thru most of his family and friends who thought they were helping him out for a short while and had no idea they were supposed to take my place in taking careof his every emotional, financial and imagined need. I know I should be big enough to not find satsifaction in this but I am not, I do find satisfaction in it. these are the same dang people who told me everything was my fault, that he would not drink if it was not for me, well I am not there, he's not drinking 24/7 and the problems still are. *laugh* Now I imagine it is still my fault because I left ... that I will take the blame for happily.
What made me feel better at the time ... coming here, reading the posts, writing them, venting. Being around people I had been honest with and could understand that I was not happy but it did not mean I did not want to be around them, I just did not want to fake it. Doing things for other's again around people who understood I was unhappy but I wanted to be there doing these tings even if I did not look like it. Find those couple, few unconditional love people and stick to them like glue until you can handle the rest of the world. It will happen.
Part of taking care of yourself is sometimes sticking up for yourself. I am not sure what state or laws you in under but get an attorney. I bet someone in your Al Anon circle could reccomend one that will understand the situation.
It sounds to me that your ex has problems WAY bigger than just being an A. He is a controlling, abusive, miserable, sick probably menatlly ill person.
I was just in a meeting today where a woman sat crying because she had done everything her H asked of her and he STILL didn't want her. She couldn't figure out what was wrong with HER. And it was so very, very clear to me when listening to her (and to you) that the "problem" was not her, it never was her, it was HIM. I will say the same thing to you. It is HIM who is the problem.
I could give every ounce of love and compassion and strength and attention that I have to a brick wall but that will NOT change that brick wall into a rose garden. MY part in that is simple. Stop trying to change the brick wall with my love.
I have to tell you how similar your story sounds to mine. Please, please believe me when I say to you that this is not your fault. And secondly, 56 is young and unless you are holding back on us, I don't think you know what the future holds. You don't know what life has in store for you. You have not wasted time in your marriage, you have learned invaluable lessons and much about yourself.Stuff you can now share.
When I worked this program to stay married, it didn't work. When I worked this program to save my life, with my only motive being to learn how to live, I got better. I had to let go of my marriage but I had the strength to do so because this program strengthened me.
The other thing that has helped me (and I have just started doing) is getting my own life. I too have been overly concerned with HIS AA friends etc. Today, I say, so what. Do they throw me at times, catch me off guard and trigger me? sure and it hurts. But the more I "get a life" the less they and their silly pettiness disrupt me.
Mimi, you are gonna grieve. That's ok. I grieve for the man I believed he was (he wasn't) and for the man he could have been. I grieved for the future I had planned and for my kids and what they won't ever know. It is awful and there were times I really didn't think I would make it. Everything, every feeling passes. It WILL get better.
Your AH sounds like mine right after he got sober--stark raving sober and incredibly "dry." He continued all of the behaviors associated with the disease...lying, cheating, manipulating, blameshifting, etc...and, surprise, surprise, it was all my fault!!
It took awhile, but I finally realized that just because he was going to AA didn't mean he was in recovery; just because he was sober didn't mean that he was a mature, emotionally available adult; and just because he was sober didn't mean that he could or would want to continue with our marriage.
I had to let go of that marriage and grieve for it. I had to finally accept that I couldn't control his recovery (just like I couldn't control his drinking).
Then, I finally started taking care of me just for me and not in hopes that he would "come to his senses" and come back to me. When I did that, I started to really get better, Al-Anon started to work, and I started to get "me" back. As that happened, I started to become aware of the world around me again and of all of the possibilities out there for me (including other relationships).
We have been separated 3 years and I am finally strong enough and secure enough in myself to set a time table for reconciliation. I know that while a final break would hurt, I would survive and I would be happy again. I have reached this place by taking one step at a time and doing it on my timetable and no one else's...
It takes time and it can be a painful journey, but it has been worth it to me. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. It has allowed me to deal with issues that I have been avoiding for years--my 4th and 5th steps were so freeing!! I think that for the first time in my life, I am content in my own skin. It is a wonderful feeling!! Did I spend my 30s and early 40s in the chaos and misery of addiction? Yes. Did I miss the chance to have my own biological children? Most likely. Am I glad that I didn't bring children into that home? Definitely. Do I grieve for that "lost" time? Sometimes. But I am working on letting it go. It is what it is. I know that I can be happy with myself and that I am learning how to open myself up to the possibility of a healthy relationship. That may be with my AH or with someone else. Either way, I will be okay.
Remember that you are not alone. There is HOPE and a world of possibilities out there. Keep the focus on YOU and not the A and keep coming back. The program really does work if you work it, for YOU.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
There are a lot of really good responses here about the evidence for him still being in a very sick place.
There are some good suggestions for what might help you focus on YOU, which we've found helps us, in the long term, to feel better. I especially like the observation that working an alanon program in order to save a marriage is doomed to failure, but that working an alanon program in order to save a soul WORKS.
You said, "He wants a divorce and he wants me to file it and he wants to keep assetts to which I am entitled to. He always wins. He will get to keep his phony disability settlement, his house and new truck and I will be living in a rented room. I stuck with Al-anon for years after he left, I worked the program, tried to believe that god was there watching out for me. But I finally couldn't bring myself to attend anymore, running into him or his friends for whom he has successfully played the passive, nice guy role and believe all his lies."
I want to suggest STRONGLY that YOU HAVE CHOICES. He wants a divorce? Let him file. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. He wants to keep assets you're entitled to? (Of course he does, he's given every indication of being both greedy and narcissistic.) YOU DON'T HAVE TO hand them over without a fight. YOU DON'T HAVE TO live in a rented room while he keeps the house YOU worked for. Why does him saying "I want" make you feel like a slave? YOU are a worthwhile human being, and his being incapable of saying and showing it does not make it false.
You have the choice to pursue your own recovery (your own, not your marriage's) in order to make YOUR OWN life better. You don't want to run into him? Go to a different meeting. You're 56 years old, remember? You can spend every weekend driving to conferences and workshops and assemblies, (check out the various states' sites, at al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm), which will help you pull your focus OFF him and ON to healthy living. You can go to open AA meetings without him, and hear what actual recovery sounds like.
You have the choice to go to 90 meetings in 90 days to immerse yourself in YOUR recovery (and I'm surprised Jerry didn't suggest this, it's one of his favourite ideas ). You have the choice to come here & read some posts every time you start thinking of him. You have the choice to not answer the phone when you see it's him, delete his texts or emails without reading them, and say regally, "how interesting" when someone feels obligated to pass on information (practice in front of the mirror first, maybe).
The only reason he "always wins" up to now is because you have chosen to hand it to him. You are allowed to choose NOT to hand it to him. You are allowed to choose to focus on YOU and YOUR well-being, and I hope you do.
Please let us know how it goes. Even when it doesn't seem to be working - I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone share that their recovery started with just parking their b*** in the chair. Sounds a lot like "keep coming back", doesn't it.
My dear lady, if I could hug you in person, I think it would be a bear hug beyond description!
I was once where you were at, and quite sure that life was indeed over, with no chance of love from a man ever again.
Oh how short I sold myself, and how deeply immersed I was in the muck of self-pity.
With the help of good friends and some black-belt Alanon, I began that marvelous journey of self-awareness, and what a journey it has been!
Today, at the age of 50, I am single by choice (for the past almost 9 years now), am just finishing up my first semester of college full-time online in pursuit of a double degree, my life is full and rich and wonderful in spite of having no partner at the time, and two ADs.
I do understand that struggle of trying to put on a facade but wanting to quietly fade away into nothingness, I truly do.
You are worth so very much. Please stick around, keep posting, and I will keep you in my prayers! ((((hugs))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
One thing that was made real clear up to now is GO SEE A LAWYER. Get as much paper work together on your asset, debts and income both joint and held singling by each of you. Sometimes a lawyer will see you free the first visit. You do not have to file, or do anything for that matter, but you can get the information you need about what your legal rights are. I saw a few lawyers before I picked one. If you live near a larger city, see if you can find a "womans rights" lawyer. This visit doesn't have to be about filing for divorce. It is just about learning what you can do to protect yourself. IF you decide to file, now or later you will have an idea what to expect. If he files on you, you will have a lawyer in place. DO NOT let him tell you that you should use his lawyer to make it cheaper for you both. DO NOT sign anything from a lawyer he has without a lawyer looking out for your best interest. Divorces in most states are 50/50. You should be able to get half, and dont let him tell you otherwise. He will, but it is just another minipulation. Dont fall for it anymore.
). You have the choice to come here & read some posts every time you start thinking of him. You have the choice to not answer the phone when you see it's him, delete his texts or emails without reading them, and say regally, "how interesting" when someone feels obligated to pass on information (practice in front of the mirror first, maybe).