The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My aH and I have been separated for 4 wks now. He's decided to stay with his older daughter. He says that he hopes for a future for us. That he would like to be together. But not at this time. That we both need time to work on ourselves. I felt that way too, but now that he's come to this way of thinking and he's making a stand for it, I find myself floundering in a way that is completely insane. I keep conjuring up these weird scenarios of how I can manipulate him into a different path. And it's making me crazy, because i know how wrong this is. I am so focused on how to make him do differently. He had surgery this week, he's newly out of hospital and it is killing me to know that he's in the condition he's in and I can't be there for him. That he's not here with me and our son.
I thought I was headed to a more independant path, but now I feel very compulsive, very needy, very very strange....
I know that "nothing changes, unless something changes" and that my aH is doing the utmost of right things...he wants a better future. He is tired and drained by the drama and chaos. I am too, but I feel completely defeated and powerless. And I am NOT. I am just powerless over him. And that's good, because that means that great things could come... But today I am seeing so clearly how "sick" I am... in that I just can't seem to cope with not being the one in charge. (insert serenity prayer here)
nowhere else can I admit this...nowhere else in my world would anyone understand...
Well we do understand of course. I have to say the A who I was with often made those independent stands and all my abandonment issues went off in full strobe force. Then when he felt like he came back with reinforced demands and since I was so terrified of abandonment I gave in.
He knew exactly how to "play" it. I also don't doubt he got tired of the drama, chaos and resentment that was the cesspit of our relationship. So did I but I felt glued to him like superglue.
Al anon really helped me to learn to detach. I learned to turn him over. I learned to take care of me.
I learned to stop abandoning myself. A huge huge part of my issues was the way I compulsively abandoned myself. Now I don't do that. Now I have boundaries.
I can remember quite clearly the moment I finally figured out that I WAS SICK. And that AlAnon was to help ME not help me figure out how to live with or change or cope with my AexH. It was so humbling, I really hated it *laugh* Now when I look back it was also when I truly did Step 1, and changes started happening in, around and for me. I understand how you are feeling and how bewildering it is. It's going to be OK, keep working it, keep learning, and keep taking careof yourself.
Well, we understand. Sometimes it is for the best to let go and let god. I know how you feel. I lament that my family is not together and we are missing those precious times together. But it is not to be because my AHSober is on a dry drunk and can't see it. It is not mine to decide. Only HP knows for sure.
Go a bit easy on yourself Rora. It's early yet. You are right and changes take time. What you are going thru is normal I believe and in addiction terms are also called withdrawal symptoms. I have just given up smoking again after relapsing over 6 or so months. Withdrawals pass and are not fun. They are just withdrawals and not an indication that there is something worng with me. Since they are normal..there is nothing wrong with me except how I react mind, body, spirit and emotions to them. Hang on!! Don't take that next opportunity to control or manipulate. Keep coming back instead. (((((hugs))))) Love your humility.
