The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been doing the reading and practicing the steps but still need to go to a meeting. I've been trying to take one step at a time and small steps too. But I find myself frozen in indecision. I'm a person who doesn't like change - I like my comfort zones and trying to move out of these zones is uncomfortable for me and I get scared. How do I get moving? I come home from work - a comfort zone - I know what to do and what is expected of me and then I come home and can't move forward I just sit. I'm finding lately that I just really like to isolate myself.
This happens especially with my family at home. I feel that all they want is something more from me that I can't give. I feel bruised by the requests. Clean house, do laundry, and all that stuff. Then I sit and feel really guilty because I haven't done anything. I think it's because over the years I've lost who I am and don't know me at all. I've been such a people pleaser that I find it hard to do anything on my own. I know my self-esteem is at the bottom of the well and I feel that I can't do anything right so don't do anything at all. My AH is very controlling and always giving orders and advice of how things should be done his way and that my opinion is worthless. And when he does this I immediately withdraw and just want to sleep and to escape his dominating personality. Where do I find me and how do I find the strength to be me.
My AH is a very independent person - gives orders and leaves the house and wants everything done when he gets home. Most of my time is doing the "shoulds" I should do the housework, I should go to church, I should go uptown with him and watch him drink - so people can see us as a couple together, etc... because that's what he wants me to do. I don't want to do that and really resent how he's run my life. My children are just about grown and gone and at 43 I don't know who I am.
Boy just reading this over I realize how pathetic I sound but I do feel better about expressing this. Does anyone else ever hit this wall and how do you get over it?
I can so relate to where you are at. Don't you feel like a robot sometimes? A word that was missing in my mind was "NO" and when I did try to use it, no one listened. The truth of the matter is, no one is going to respect you and your needs if you don't respect you or your needs. Boy, that sounds easy doesn't it? SIMPLE is no where near EASY. Maybe you could start with your kids. Do they know how hard you work? Do they respect you and your time? IF they do, they might not know how to help. For me, I did "everything" because I didn't think they could do it good enough, then they might hear the rath of their dad. I was protecting them from him. I also wanted to make their lives easier because of what they were going through with their dad. I did come to the realization that I wasn't protecting them from anything. In fact I was hindering their growth into adulthood. How were they suppose to run a house, cook, do laundry, grocery shop and work if I didn't teach them. I sat down with my kids and talk to them. I made a list of things that needed to be done daily and weekly. I asked them if there was anything on the list they could take responsibility for. They did take a few things, and to be honest, they weren't done as well as I would have done them, BUT they were not my responsibility any more. IF their dad wasn't happy with it, they handled it. (My kids were much stronger than I was standing up to their dad). You could take that few extra hours a week to get to your meetings. The kids will see you are trying to help yourself (and so will your husband). I am assuming the last thing you want to teach your kids is that a womans place is to "mind" their husband. If you have sons, they might think that the way your husband treats you is ok and do the same to their wives. Even worse, if you have daughters, they might fall into the same trap your in. You said you were taking small steps, and thats great. Any movement forward is good. There will be times when you fall back a few steps, but that is to be expected. Its a long journey to recovery. We are here to help each other
For me, setting down (let go of) the blame and guilt another person's disease was trying to lay on me was a great place to start. I allowed myself that sit down time right after getting home from work, school, meetings whatever it was I had been away from home doing. I literally told myself outloud, it's ok to have down time, you are entitled to 1/2 hour each day to regenerate and regain strength. Something else I did was change my thinking about how I looked at the chores that needed done around the house. Instead of it being what HE wanted, expected, demanded, I realized it was MY choice. When I put a different spin on my outlook, "I want to make my home nice and clean today, it's what I want" I then began to enjoy the actions of accomplishing that. I was doing it for me. This is my life, no more have to's no more need to's...I began to live my life to please ME. What a wonderful direction that took me, I regained my strength, I regained my desire, I regained my energy. I let go of what I felt OTHER people wanted or expected of me. I allowed myself to come alive again. As far as putting on a show by sitting down at the bar with them...that I realized is their disease talking, why put on a mask if it makes you feel empty and fake inside? Instead I chose to use that time to go to my face to face meetings. No guilt, no dishonor, pure honesty sharing with others who could remind me how to find my inner strength, my HP and my love for myself.
You know I used to believe the A was independent, he was always off out in the world. Over time I began to see he was pretty dependent really.
De-taching from him took a lot of time. I had to get really busy with my program. I had to make a huge effort to focus on me, my projects, my goals.
Of course moving out of codependence is hard going. There is a way though, through books, working the steps and more.
There are many many people in front of you , who have been where you are and made a better life for themselves.
I know I stopped watching the A drink early in my recovery. I also know it helped me. I know he did not like it. Eventually over time I stopped putting my whole life into what he "liked".
You almost sound depressed. Have you had a physical lately? I hit wall now and then. I make sure I take of myself. I have a quote on my wall that says "do somthing that scares you every day". A reminder to keep moving forward even when you don't want to.
Thanks much for replying. And I do feel better expressing my thoughts and do feel like moving forward. I do get down at times and am on antidepressants. Depression has been a plague in my life for a long time. All the more reason to try to take care of myself. Thanks for the push to move forward and for caring. Thanks to my HP for directing me to this site and giving me the courage to participate. It's a good thing.
