The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I ended it again. It seems as if I am breaking up w/ A and then going back more than I wash my hair these days. I know it's the right thing to walk away, but I love him. Sad excuse when A has destroyed most of my esteem, finances and sanity...but I do. I wonder why, why do I love him? I really cannot answer that honestly anymore. To be honest, I don't know when or why I started to begin w/. I am reading the "getting them sober" books and they are wonderful. Everything I read is so right/ how could I be so in the dark about myself for so long? I have had alot of advice to go to alanon groups. I am not making excuses but I cannot. I go to school full-time, work full-time and have a 10yr old and a 11 mth old. I have no family and A is less than helpful. Anyway, I am wondering what else I can do for myself? I'm having a hard time finalizing this w/ A. I want so badly for a "normal" relationship/marriage w/ him. I am starting to realize this is not going to happen. I'm scared. I think I'm scared of letting him go and he having no other choice but to move home w/ mommy and live in the basement again. This will kill him. This to me will be my doing even though it is not. I'm afraid of being alone. I've never been married. I have 2 children, broke because of A and I'm going on 38 yrs old. Gee- whatta catch. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm so desperatly trying not to call him right now. I know it'll only be a matter of time before he does, but I need to know he's ok...wow that's funny cuz most the time I know he really doesn't even care...
Does it ever work out or do we hold onto a dream? How do you walk away? It breaks my heart to walk away- is it right to just give up on someone? God, am I making excuses again? I am so angry! SO ANGRY! He has such control- I feel like nothing w/out him and question why I'm w/ him when I am...oh lord, please give me the strength to walk away...I'm hurting him, or am I? god please...god please...
-- Edited by soconfused at 00:12, 2008-11-21
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People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will remember how you made them feel...
I think the secret is learning to love yourself more then you love him. Putting your needs first and making decisions that make you happy and mentally healthy is key. Taking back your life instead of living it for someone else is a process. Keep trying.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am right where you are my AH just left last night to stay with his mother. We have been to getter for 21 years. I know that this is the end I beleive but it does not stop me form hopeing that God will step in and make things better. So for now I have to let God do what God is going to do with me and MY AH. Stay strong and try to take care of yourself and the children. I have a bad why problem to and feel I need to know but I have to stop try the why on him and let the why about myself for today. I have to fixs me not him.
Please try to see that an ending has the capacity to be a beginning! It was for me. I did the dance also- break up, get back together, over and over. But in the end, I figured it out and when I knew it was totally over, I knew it was totally over. I literally woke up one morning and BANG, I just knew it. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best u can, be gentle and believe that you are exactly where you need to be. Breathe, breathe and breathe some more. Hugs, J.
Hi there! For me, I am starting to really look at the premise that our A's are addicted to substance and we are addicted to them. I am trying to sort through what I own in my marriage and what I do not. It is really really difficult.
Where my aH is very willing to resign responsibility on things, I am HYPER Viligent to pick up things that don't belong to me. Where my aH is loose with routine, structure, commitments, I am OFF the top, nearly neurotic with structure, meeting deadlines, never having a wavering step from the path. Where my aH doesn't seem to look beyond the moment and seems careless with others emotions, I live so far in the future I hardly even experience the moment before me and I anxiously analyse every move, thought, word spoken.
Without my aH's behaviour being part of the landscape of our marriage, I wouldn't "get away" with doing what I do. And doing what I do makes me very unhappy. I need him to do what he does, in order for me to do what I do. The constant what iffing, the feelings of needing to be 5 steps ahead all the time, the need to have a constant "plan", the need to have predictable outcomes, that I already know how to maneuvre and deal with. Without the reliability and predictability of my aH's behaviour, I wouldn't be able to do what I do. I "NEED" him. For me, I am really buying into the notion that I am "addicted to" the behaviour of an A. It's what I know. It's what feels most comfortable for me. Though I am very much aware that I don't like it. Though I feel most comfortable in this type of situation, for me, it doesn't mean it's "RIGHT"! I want for a better emotional future for myself, for my son, and for my aH-but thats up to him. I choose to move forward and make progress towards learning a different way. And I hope one day, what I crave and attract and choose to surround myself with is more healthy sorts of behaviours. But that starts with me.
Sometimes it really is impossible to get to a face to face alanon meeting, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to get to a meeting. There are meetings online too, on this site or others - check out ola-is.org ("On Line Alanon - Information Service"). There are even "email meetings" which are kind of a cross between a board like this one and an online meeting. You can also order the newcomer packet, and other books like the daily readers you would normally get at an f2f meeting - check out al-anon.alateen.org.
And above all, keep coming back. The whole thing takes practice, and it's slow, but baby steps count. For me, something I don't even know I've been hearing suddenly pops out of my mouth and I think, oh! I really AM making progress!
***oops, forgot - also check out your state's site - linked at al-alanon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm - for special events like a weekend workshop or conference. The bigger ones of these often offer child care, and that's a great way to meet alanonics in your area & get some phone numbers.
You are never, ever, really alone. We all have an HP. We need to look more to HP then to the A's. Yes, we do a dance. It is not good for either of us. Stay strong. Take care of yourself and your children.
