The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In reading postings yesterday, I discovered that YES! I most certainly have an addiction...my AH and all of his doings. I am like an obsessed fan...screaming for him to notice me, to "need" me like I think I need him. The reality is that I continue to push him away and I continue to delve farther into the self that I do not want to be. I have felt for years that the "me" I used to know has fallen into a dark, lonely hole. I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for about 2 1/2 months, but not near as often as I should. I went last night, after a verbal blow out with my AH. I said things that I wish I hadn't, but at the time they seemed justified. Now I'm so very remorseful, but can't take them back. Our divorce continues to be on hold, and I feel that I blew every chance of a reconcilliation if there ever was to be one.
He refuses to seek help at this point. He has been through detox/treatment in the past, but told me years later that he only went because I wanted him to and that his drinking is "normal." I know that I need to focus on ME, but I also feel that I can't do it alone unless I am alone? Does that make sense? This may be my cue to end a failed marriage. One of the members last night said one simple phrase that I have been repeating in my tired mind..."Life is so short." Do I really want to continue in a no-end situation and wait for a marriage to end...or do I want to remove him from my life so that I can continue to grow instead of remain stagnant? I often think that he would be much better off without me as well...Live and Let Live?
My main concern is my children and what it will do to them. Mommies and daddies are not supposed to despise each other, but families should be together in good times and in bad. The doubt just never ends!?!?!?
Today, I will continue to work on myself, let go of past baggage and do my best to not create new baggage. One day at a time!
I can relate very much. I was in a 7 year relationship with an A. I went through a lot of "shoulds" around him. What I should do to help him, eventually he became so bad it was not possible to help anymore. I still helped though. I had to really really work this program to get anywhere. Doubt hounded me for a logn long time. I really felt like letting go was a form of failing. Eventually I saw it as my responsibility to take care of me. I did not do that before. Now I do.
You can move on. I am glad you are in the program and enjoying it. I know I said many many words to the A that were not justified. That is one reason I do not talk to him anymore. I have nothing left to say, why abuse someone. He is ill. He does not want help and he chooses to self destruct. That is his choice. it is not my job anymore to "save" him. I did all I could and can do no more.
I know for me certainly there are huge red flags when I meet people today. I know there were many red flags when I met the A. I ploughed through them. I am a person of limits these days. I am constantly assessing my limits. I look at them as the signal that I am at the edge.
I am glad you found this room, use it as a great great resource.
You are soooo not alone! I am right there with you. Trying to sort things out, trying to do the next right thing, while not always being sucessful. One day at a time, one day at a time, ... Progress, not perfection... one day at a time.
I have a 4 yr old little guy who is just so full of life, so deserving of all the greatness of the world, so willing to take life on, ... I can truly relate to the angst of trying to figure out what the best thing for him is. It will come, in due time, as I care for myself, and grow, I will know what is right for him.
