The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I AM A NEEDY PERSON, and I let myself be hurt by others because I place my whole happiness and self worth and joy and life in them. I LIVE FOR MY CHILDREN and their family, and so when my daughter does what she does and cuts me off I die a little, and when I don't get ther response I want from my son I die a little more!
HOW SAD IS THAT?
It feels like a light bulb has been switched on, no.....a STAGE SPOTLIGHT has been snapped on and I am standing there on that stage, dazzled by the intensity of the light and being abused by my vulnerability and the ones abusing me are my children and their children and I am cowering and trying to hide and escape that spotlight, which is impossible for it follows me wherever I go.
The only way that spotlight will go out is IF I STOP PLACING my happiness and sole existance in trying to live FOR THEM. If I take back my life and STOP FEELING GUILTY that I messed up during their childhood when I was married to a violent and bullying alcoholic and LET THAT GO then that spotlight will go out.
I have opened myself up time and time again for reprisals, I have allowed my daughter to persecute me and punish me for my failures and her own failures. I have placed my son in an impossible situation at times between me and his sister and I have allowed my grandchildren to witness the persecution from their mother on me and in the end I AM THE BIGGEST LOSER.
I am the one who has to take control of my life and my happiness and my peace of mind. I have a life to live beyond that dreadfully poisoned marriage and I have to STOP FEELING GUILTY AND TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR THE PAST.
I cannot change the past, I have told myself that so many times IT seems imprinted on my brain, and yet I keep on carrying the guilt, and that is what I did all my life with my father, I felt guilty that I was NOT THE SON HE WANTED AND I TRIED TO CHANGE MYSELF INTO SOMETHING BETTER SO THAT HE WOULD ACCEPT ME, and look where that got me? NOWHERE AND CONSTANT PAIN AND HEARTACHE.
Now if I am to learn anything from his death I have to stop trying to change the past for my children. The past is what it is. I CANNOT CHANGE IT.....hey Sue....are you hearing yourself and what you are writing here......YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT.......LET IT GO.
Today I will start to accept me as I am. Today I will begin by letting go of all that was of the past. Today I will LOOK FORWARD AND NOT BACKWARDS and I will endeavour to do this every day from now on.
I can attain happiness within me, for myself and I can be happy for my children, however I have to stop living FOR THEM and I have to start living FOR ME.
Thank you family for helping me steer my boat into a calm harbour in order to sort out my head. I am not shouting here I am emphasising the things that have been switched on in my head this morning like neonsigns.
I feel that I have had a real awakening today.
Just for today I will concentrate on what I have written here and try to practice what I have learnt.
Talk about a slow leaner....as my son says, "Sometimes Mum, for someone who is a member of MENSA, you are as thick as two short planks." and he is right .
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
David sends a dozen roses back stage to Sue for her "spotlight" moment!!!
Along with that I am praying for you to forgive yourself my friend. You certainly need to take everyone on your "amends list" and move them down a few notches and place Suzannah in the number one position!
Forgiving myself for my past "indescretions" was the single hardest forgiveness I had to accomplish.
Forgiving others is a cakewalk compared! I also have to remember that once I make my amends to others ... it's done! I do it once! Then I let it go. If they choose not to accept, or choose to continue to try to hold something from the past over me, I just have to remind myself when that guilt starts to try to creep back in...NOPE! I already atoned for that and I will no longer be blackmailed by it.
We read this last night at our f2f and I thought of you. It's from the bottom of p. 116 in "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses":
"Awareness of painful feelings can leave us anxious or afraid. Our fear of grieving can be so powerful at times it might seem safer to stuff our feelings than to feel them."
So it occurs to me that what might be happening here is you're unstuffing your feelings. This is hard, hard work, but so important - I struggle with it often myself. But when I manage to feel it and name it, in connection with the actual event that it's about (not a 'camouflage' event), talk & write about it as much as it needs - as much as *I* need - its power is diminished.
I think you are being pretty hard on yourself. Detaching takes a great deal of work, diligence and persistence. I know for sure I only was willing to learn it when I got to a state of complete desparation.
Great share. I am so happy to see you posting again and for your progress. I know you have been so very low recently, to come through that with so much growth is a miracle. I too have too much guilt over past behaviour, I had no insight into anything, but I think we can take comfort from the fact that we did the best we could, with what we had at the time. Progress is hard, I need to keep going, thank you for the inspiration.
With love hugs and Gratitude to you my friend, Carol
.
