The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, so I have this guy.....who is everything I ever wanted in a man. He has been here all weekend, been incredibly kind, attentive, loving. We just lazed around all day yesterday, side by side on the couch, watching TV, holding each other. He told me often that he loves me. Today we went out to breakfast, came home, snuggled on the couch until it was time for him to leave, and for me to go pick up my grandbaby, about 3:00. When it gets time for him to leave, I always get all teared up, and today the tears just streamed down my cheeks....I try to not let him see, but he did anyway. He said he was sorry he had to go. We've only been dating about 3 months, but I have fallen so hard for him, it is just crazy. He moved back in with his parents a year ago when he got divorced. He helps them out around the house, and pays them something for living there. He also has a cat he has to take care of. He comes here on Fri. night, and stays until Sunday afternoon. We work different shifts, and he lives 30 miles away, so it is really the only time we spend together. During the week, he calls me at my lunch, after I get off work, during his breaks and lunch times, so we talk often. He already called me tonight, and he's only been gone about 4 hours....but I have this horrible feeling in my stomach. He hasn't changed....it's me.....and my insecurities. I miss him so terribly much when he's not here. And when we started dating, on about the 3rd date or so, he asked if I wanted to see other people, and I asked him if he did, and he said "No", and I didn't want to either. But I told him I wanted to take things slow, and he said "Well, OK", but then after about our third week of knowing each other he told me he loved me.....and I said I couldn't say it right then. It really knocked me for a loop! After so many years of an abusive relationship, I couldn't believe someone could actually love me! Well, the next week, I ended up telling him I loved him too, because I did, and I do. He is so sweet. He is not an A, is responsible, has a job, a nice car, takes care of his stuff, his folks. Always asking me if I need anything. The thing is, it is scaring me to death. I don't know how to handle "normal". I have never had a "normal" man, so part of me thinks that sooner or later this prince charming is going to turn out to be a loser too. And I'm not used to a man who, in a new relationship, can actually take time away from me to take care of their own business. Here he is, being responsible, and I'm feeling a little slighted. OMG. I am crazy. After a string of failed marriages to A's, druggies, control freaks, and psychos, here comes this man who treats me exceptionally well, and I don't know how to handle it. I am so afraid this dream will end. If he walked away now, I just think I would lose it. I hate feeling like this. He has given no indication that he is going anywhere. I just hate the distance between us. We tell each other all the time that we miss each other, but we live so far apart, and our jobs are just a couple of miles from where we live. And the hours that we work, even if we lived together, we would only see each other between 3 and 4:30 AM. So, even if we lived together, that wouldn't make it that much better. What I want to know is, how, can I just relax and enjoy this time, and let it be. To be secure in his love for me. Why do I always have to create drama? I hate it!!! I do pretty good during the week, but Sundays when he leaves, I am about crazy with grief. All those old abandonment issues come up. I really haven't talked to him about how bad it is, he just knows I miss him. I have 7 months left on my apartment lease. Part of me wants to just pick up and move closer to him.....but that would be crazy. I need to just sit back, and let him make the moves. Maybe I should back off on telling him how much I miss him. I am so lonely tonight. I have my grandbaby here, and I have lots to keep me busy, lots of friends, and things to do, and work, but I miss HIM. I have never felt this way about any man before in my life, and it is all kind of confusing and strange. My heart hurts, and it has no reason to.
I have serious abandonment issues. I have been told to do my fourth step and see where it comes from and then see what my pattern is. Another person can't make us whole. We have to do that for ourselves. Boundaries come to mind. My AHsober left over 3 years ago. We still do things together with our growns sons. That he leavve use to put me into a panic. So I have developed a strategy of taking care of myself. And really looking to my HP for help. Hope you had a great time with your grandbaby.
I also struggle with not being satisfied with what I have right in front of me, by the grace of god. Part of this is not being in a place of acceptance. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today- saying goes. Are you attending meetings? Hugs, J.
Becky let go of the fantacy , no one can be everything to someone with out loosing themselves in the process , I had to lower my expectations they were totally unrealistic , when I can't breathe til I am with someone else I am in big trouble ,take whats offered and make it enough . Were way too needy for most people and we scare them off . Abandonment and me have been having a struggle for yrs , I never really quite understood it . today I know that I abandoned me along time ago when I started to be what I thought every one else needed me to be. the old camelion thing Ya know . I lost myself long ago and no one to blame but me .
Thanks guys. Abby, once again, your words hit it on the head. You have always been my "voice of reason" here. Thanks.
Yeah, this guy is NOT needy in any way. And I hate that I feel that way.
What he is offering me IS enough.....we've only been together 3 months for pete's sake! Jeesh.
Anyway, he called again tonight, and we had a talk. I told him he hadn't told me any of his "stories" in a while, where he would talk about his childhood and growing up. He said he didn't know why, but I do. Last time he did, he told me how one time his little brother snuck a girl home while their parents were out of town......and being a nice little bro, he brought girl home for big brother (my guy) too. All this happened when his bro was a teenager, and my guy was only a few yers older. But this "story" made me get all teared up, and cut me to the bone. I don't know why I couldn't even handle a story about him being with another girl....I mean, I have a past too, and he didn't really get out of line with it, he was just telling me something he thought was funny. Anyway, he knew it kinda upset me, and ever since then, the stories have stopped. I told him last night that i missed his stories, and he seems pretty reserved when he talks to me now, I think that is one thing that bothers me. He said no, and apologized for ever even telling that story, said "it wasn't appropriate for someone to say something like that, especially when they are starting out in a relationship and trying to care a little about someone else." So we had a good conversation after that, and I told him I wanted him to feel comfortable talking to me, and he said he did. He told me many times that he loved me, missed me, and we'd be together this Friday. Soothed my "needy beast" for a while.
I have been given this fantastic gift by HP. I have no business wanting to change it, to want more, more, more. It is fine the way it is.
OK, Needy Beast.....back in the closet where you belong.
Think I need to dust off some of my Alanon books tonight when I get off work. Thanks again. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Becky This man clearly cares about you. I am sure he is doing his best to make you feel wanted and needed in his life and feel secure with your relationship. What is he going to do when he starts feeling like nothing he does is enough to make you feel wanted, needed and secure? You have identified your problem with your insecurities of you past. NOW you need to deal with those problems. Like you said,,, time to get out the books, go to meetings, and figure out how to deal with a healthy relationship. Try not to make this man feel like he is responsible for your happiness, or your sadness. ONLY you can stop this out of control feeling you get at the end of every weekend. You have a whole week till you see him again, take that time to start the process of making you the person you want to be. If you make your mental health a priority during the weeks ahead, your weekends will become even better.
I am so glad you come here, and we are so happy for your new relationship. Keep working, Keep coming, and keep growing
