The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So a few weeks after celebrating my 1st wedding anniversary, I have started the divorce process..And it is killing me. I love my husband so much but not sure if I can stay...In short time we have been married, he has relapsed 4 times. First time I drove him to rehab... He had asked for help. The next 2 times he crashed 2 cars. The last time was on only a few weeks ago and just sent me over the edge.
I had never seen him drink prior to us getting married. He is promising to do anything to work this out..I want to believe him and I can see he is hurting...But I dont think I can do this...I keep thinking what my life be like if he cant change..
He cannot change. He has the disease of addiction and they are never cured.
Relapse is part of the disease.
I am so sad for you both. It is a horrible thing to go through.Alanon can help you to get more information, and it can help you to learn to keep the focus on you.
We can do nothing for them as far as the disease.
We have a chat room here, meetings there regularly. Have you looked for Alanon meetings in your city? They are wonderful and can help you to feel better.
Thanks...I have been to meetings..some of them have been very depressing for me which is the part of me that wants to leave..I dont want to spend my life always saying...today he is sober and the next saying he relapsed..
There is a part of me that feels like I have failed because I cant make this work..That I let people down..I know in my head thats not the case....It would be easier if I didnt love hime so much..Thanks...you have helped
Sad Wife, I understand what your are feeling because I have many of the same feelings. I love the guy, I really do. I love what he brings to our lives when he is sober. I can not live with what he does when he is drinking. I became a real "nag" about what he was doing to us. I told him I had lost trust and respect for him because of his drinking. Looking back, I can see I started treating him like a "bad boy". I really did start treating him like a child. I took responsibility for the problems his drinking caused. Funny thing is, he left ME. I have come to realize (with the help I have received through Al-anon) that no one can take responsibility for any person but themselves. Ignoring the problems he brings to your marriage is not going to help. No one can tell you what is best for you as far as staying or going except you. You can educate yourself about his problem, and use that information to form a plan and execute it when or if your ready. You can also educate yourself on YOU. There are lots of books and reading material on the subject. HIS drinking does NOT mean you are a failure. The problem is HIS. You didn't know the extent of his problem when you married him. NOW you know, and now you need to decide what your going to do next. Education is your best tool. It take two to make a good marriage, you cant create one on your own. I know its very hard to find something good in all this, but I will say it is good that you saw this problem early in the marriage, and can take steps now to make your life better. You can not make your decision about what to do because it might "let people down". I am sure some of those around you might feel "let down", but I am sure they would rather be "let down" than watch you "melt down". Find the support you need here. We know what you are going through. The first thing that I learned was the three C's YOU did not Cause it YOU can not Cure it YOU can not Control it
Start educating yourself, and the lessons you learn can help you live a better life, with or without him.
As someone who is married to an alcoholic that made it out of the destruction I have to say that they can change. It takes the realization (from them) that they are destroying their lives and other lives and a gut level commitment that they want to be sober and they want to live. Some alcoholics never reach that point but there are definately those that want recovery and work hard for it everyday.
You've heard the phrase "hitting bottom". Everyone's bottom is different. Some must lose everything first. My husband became ill and almost lost his life, he is almost 3 yrs.sober . Some do lose their lives and never give up alcohol.
As far as your controlling whether he does or does not drink, that is what you can not change. You are powerless. We often hear in Alanon "watch what they do, not what they say". Alanon also suggests to wait 6 mo. before making life altering decisions. Would it be possible to seperate for 6 mo. while you gather Alanon tools and "watch"?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
So this is the disease of alcoholism. It has many faces but for sure it is a family disease. And we are there for the ride. in Alanon we don't give advice only esperience, strength, and hope. Go to meetings, rad the literature, and keep coming back. We know but we don't know. The disease is cunning, baffling, and insidious. Take care of yourself.
