The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to post yesterday but couldn't get myself together enough, though I know the help/support I need is here. I am having the worst time I've had in soooo long and feel like I died inside yesterday. ABF called yesterday at 10 and asked me to lunch, all happy and laughing etc. We hadn't spoke the day before and very little since Monday when he left after I asked him to stay. I agreed to lunch. He picked me up at the office, no hug, no nothing and took me to lunch. After no conversation as to the arguing all week, I asked him what was up. He proceeded to tell me that he is "crazy and all over the place and can't make any decisions" I ask what he needs to decide and he says that I made him feel that it has to be all or nothing, and he needs to decide if he wants to grow up. I asked him why are we here and he says "I wanted to see you" and wasn't going to come over tonight as I need some alone time. I tell him it sounds as though he needs to take a break and he makes some remark about the holidays coming up and that if we break now we might not get back. I told him we cant stay together for the holidays and if we are already hurting Id rather just get it over with now than get back together, fight and be back here in another couple weeks. He tells me he is just not sure. I tell him there are people all over the world that are sure, and he tells me that is what he is scared of because he is not sure....he knows he loves us and he knows that he wants to be with us but he is not sure how to "get there from here"?????? All of this started because I brought up the subject of marriage 2 mths ago and he hasn't been the same since-he said yesterday that he feels that subconsciously he is blaming me for making everything bad and "taking the fun out of it". He drops me off at the door to work, gives me a half hug goodbye, says "I'll talk to ya" and I spend the rest of the day in tears. I can't sleep or eat, I feel nauseous and so betrayed. I sent him an email yesterday after all of this and told him he needed time to himself and that I wouldn't call or email him again, told him I loved him but love is work and to please not call me again unless he is sure of what he wants and wants to be in me and my son's life for a long time because we couldnt accept anything less than sure. I havent heard from him and doubt I will. I've spent the little time today that i have been up packing up everything he has left here over the past year and putting picts away. I'll drop it all off at his door one day while he is at work as I don't want to see him right now. I feel soooo betrayed......he chased me from day one when I didn't want to get involved, I told him over and over he had to know what he was doing because my son was involved and he was sure then......sent me a card about how much he loved me and that I was "IT" for him now and forever-that means you're sure don't it. Now he just goes back to his life and I have to break all of this to my son.....I told him from day one how I felt about involving my son......he was sure.....then a year later, when things get tough, and my son is involved......he's not sure?????? I feel like I was played and am just devastated. Am I such a horrible person that the mere thought of spending forever with me could cause all of these problems??? Am I that horrible.......I just don't understand how he could do this to us, after he was the one that made me believe in us from the very beginning...... Sorry this was so long, I just feel lost, I'm barely keeping it together and have so many people counting on me that I can't fall apart.......I just spent an hr crying in the tub so my son didn't see.........I just dont understand how he could say he knows he loves us and knows he wants to be with us but is not sure how to get there from here............I feel like such a fool.........
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
You're no fool, wanting to believe in something, someone that brings wonderful and happiness into our lives is natural. As I read your post I saw all the pitfalls I may have slid into and I am so proud of you. It would have killed me inside to try and pretend thru the holidays but I may have. I may have written the email but I may not have sent it. I would have come up with a thousand reasons why everything was about me instead of just questioning if it was me. I think maybe the 3 C's can applu in other situations ... you did not cause this, can only control your end of it, and can't cure it by yourself. The way I see it you are taking care of yourself and your son, I'm proud of you for taking a chance and not settling for anything less than you deserve. Sending out lots of love and comfort to you.
You did a great job putting your feelings into words. I understand how you can feel so betrayed by him. YOU WERE. Are you a "horrible" person? NO !!!!!! Did you bring up marriage cause this problem? NO. Did you take "all the fun out of it"? NO Put the blame where blame should be ON HIM AND HIS ADDICTION. Yes, you can look inside and see what is going on with you. You can educate yourself on how addicts can push our buttons, and get the reaction they want. Addicts are very minipulating. They know what we want and need and know what promises to make to keep us in line. They know our insecurities, and play on them. When one of their plans dont work, they come up with another one. Get educated, get support, and get your life back. We are here for you. We can make this journey together.
