The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had a wonderful meeting on gratitude last night and a nice meeting with my sponsor. Came home to sabatoge myself. And why do I do that?
Thurs night I got the distinct feeling my AH (soon-to-be-ex I hope!) was lying. Happened in a brief exchange. Overall didn't matter, but just a continuation and reminder of the past. Son was going to be at school late (10:30) for an activity. Soon-to-be-ex AH has recovery programs (2 different types of meetings), in same town so I asked him to bring son home. He hesitated which was unusual, and I asked him to clarify, because if he wasn't bringing son home I would have to go get him. Anyhow, he said maybe, that it depended if he went to AA meeting before or after his other meeting. Didn't add up to me since by 10:30, his meetings should be long over.
Anyhow, I didn't think much of it until son mentioned how dad was 30 min late picking him up, and told me he was in a different town for meeting. Didn't make sense. So, I poked around on the computer, and in a few minutes discovered he was at a concert with g/f and others. So, why am I still so bothered by this? Of course he wasn't going to tell me the truth. We are separated and his relationship is out. After two years they are beginning this "public" life.
I think I just figured it out. It is not because I love him or want him in my life. It certainly is not because he is a joy to be with. I don't find his character defects charming. I've known these things for a long time. It is my pride, simply put. I "worry" that the other people he is with, including his employees, think ill of me. I wonder what he has said of me. Do they think I am a b****? Do they think I am losing out? What is that about? My head says, "big deal", but my heart is disturbed. Truth is they probably see him as human and don't really give me much thought. Though both separated and in process of divorce now, this relationship started two years ago. She is an A (with a long history of dysfunction and infidelity, the last affair with a woman) and is technically still married too. A relationship built on deception and addiction. It is sick. So why then do I wonder what everyone thinks of me?
Also, it is still difficult for me to acknowledge that my AH is not who I thought he was for so long, a man of integrity. He is in the same category as her. I thought he was a family man. I once thought he was someone who would do well running for public office. Though we didn't have a great relationship, I thought he would always protect me and our kids. I wanted others to think that too. I wanted others to think/know that I was important to him. Man, can you tell where my self-esteem came from? Yikes!
He looks completely different now. His youthful babyface appearance is gone and his eyes are void of spirit. He is dry, but still a sick man. He is not my husband anymore; hasn't been for a long time. Ouch.
Don't know why just the thought of them having each other doesn't bring me satisfaction. Heck, on my list of what I don't want in my next relationship, an A or person in recovery from addicition is right at the top. As I see it, them having each other is just reward for all the damage and pain they have caused their families. But, the thought doesn't bring me peace. I am caught up in the now.
I have a hard time looking to the future. I want it to come, but then again, don't want to wish time away. Internally, I am more happy without him if I can just get over the details. To think I may have a real loving relationship someday is exciting, but seems like an impossibility. I feel too broken and have too much baggage. Even so, deep down I know I am better alone than with him, but I don't like that thought. My kids need their dad and I know he loves them very much, but if my divorce ever is final and the housing market does go up (provided I can keep it), I think I need to move away to start again. Too much stuff here that just fuels the obsession and discomfort. We'll see...
A marriage counselor once told me that after 3 years in al-anon, I would be a very different person. Could I be half-way there? I sure hope so. That promise, as well as all of you here, give me hope.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You are not alone. My pride took a brutal beating as my marriage was ending. The lies he told people were truly horrible. I felt defeated, like nobody was ever going to see the true me ever again. I hated them more for believing it then I did the A for saying these things.
And I decided to be honest, I told my family and friends the truth. In a kind and gentle way. Always defending my A, explaining he was sick and this person was no longer the same person we all had once known and loved. My pride took more of a beating.
Then the wonderful day came that was The End ... life started new. And looking back on all my actions I have pride in myself. I took the high road, for ME nobody else. Because it felt right, because I did not want to be dragged into the drama, because it was on the path of healing.
A year and a half later ... I live in a little reanted house, am so happy, eat well, live well, find joy in almost everything I do. My AexH is not quite so fortunate, has lived with various family members, is on a gps bracelet monitoring program, no job, and is still seeking to find someone to make him happy. Funny part is I feel sympathy for him and all those people who's opinions I cared about, they now take care of him ... it did not give me pride back, I DID THAT ... but I have to admit I do enjoy knowing time has a way of straightening out the facts. And even if it didn't I would still be living my nice little boring life happily
Your post hit home with me as i have been battling the same issue. this week myAH is no longer sober, had a meeting with his counsler and hear her say that there is more problems in our marriage then A and i when in to (in my Head) she thinks this is all my doing and he is lieing to her to get what he wants. We have agreed to live in two different places but it is going to take them tine to get him out of this place.
But last night he wanted togo to our 19 y o son apartment we did and me and theother two children when home dad staied at son that is only 200 feet form our door to his door and dad chould not find his way home with out help form son.
So it hit home that maybe that what the cousler was saying the same thing that i have been see for the last three years. yes, i know that there is alway ther problems that go with A and I have my part in it all. SO thank you inwas my pride that was getting hit and i thank you for your post.
