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After quite a few years in Al-Anon I have found myself faced with a new issue.
My son is an A/DA and at the moment is doing quite well. However, he has four children (2 marriages) and I have noticed that it has become increasingly more difficult to contact the children who are living with their mother many states away from where we live.
The children are 16, 18 and 20, old enough to make their own decisions if allowed. However, due to his addiction and the problems that arise from that he hasn't been paying child support. Consequently the children have a large amount of anger and disappointment because of things they have had to do without because of the financial condition.
Yesterday I was able to inniatiate some dialog via email with their mother and it became quite obvious that we are being asked to make a choice between contact with our son or contact with the children. Evidently they view contact with our son as a sign of approval of his deeds and actions. This just flat makes me angry and very sad. I can't make that sort of choice and I will not buy my grandchildren's love and attention.
It also seems to be boiling down to "money" and that is just not right. Yes I can empathise with the situation they find themselves in; not being able to do some things other kids do because of finances. On the other hand all of these children could take at least part time jobs to help suplement their finances and two of them are in college. I know their mother well and believe me these kids aren't doing without much of anything they just want more because those are the values that were instilled in them by their parents.
I would greatly appreciate any ESH on this issue. Thanks Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I don't have any children. My experience on something similar to this comes from the exact opposite. My biological grandparents disowned me and disinherited me when I took on the name of my stepDad along with thier name and my married name. It was not about money on my part, but on their's, it wa sa bribe to consider them family even though I had not seen them and only spoken to my Grandmother a few times which I instigated.
I know your grandchildren are young but they are adults ... could you contact them privately? Maybe explain without blame, that you love them and want a relationship but are not willing to pay (in money or emotional) for things you are not at fault for?
Just an idea, I would have given anything to have been able to have healthy contact with my paternal family.
It sounds like a good point to draw a line in the sand. Forcing you to make a choice between your son and grandchildren would change what? It seems DIL is attempting to manipulate you only to get back or hurt your son. It's "her" agenda. It seems very childish and grade school to me. "I'm mad at XXX and if you want to be my friend you must be mad at them too".
IMO, placing it all back in her lap, making it clear that none of this involves you, you have no control over son and it is between them would be what I would do. Recruiting you and sucking you in to their drama is something you don't have to do. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions, she can't control that either. It's merely a disguised threat. I know hell nor high water would have kept me from my Gram.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you both for your posts. I have tried to keep in regular contact with the children, emails, phone calls, birthday's and christmas etc. Since their dad bought himself a new car they have all backed off (no answer's to phone calls, emails or acknowledgements of any kind for gifts) and knowing the mother as well as I do I feel very confident that this is pretty much a power play on her part to "get grandma on a tirade and Dad will step up to the plate" sort of thing. I am also confident that the children have repeatedly heard "you can't have this or that because Dad didn't sent the check this month". In no way do I condone his not paying his child support but I don't have any control over that.
She just does not know the "new" grandma that has some years of Al-Anon under her belt.
In my last email to her I did tell her that I am not responsible for anything he does or doesn't do any more than she is responsible for anything her kids do. The kids all know that we love them and hopefully one day will realize that all of the propoganda they have been fed over the years has another side to it. Unfortunately this probably won't happen until they have children of their own.
I do know that I cannot control any of this and I refuse to be manipulated or controled anymore by anyone. I was so relieved when I finally accepted that my job on this earth did not include keeping everyone happy.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
As a grandparent of 7 - my heart breaks for you - As a Happy Member of Al-Anon I congratulate you on not being manipulated and used.
Many times I have kept my grandchildren's christmas and birthday presents for over 6 months after that event because I was not allowed to see them due to our AD's active use and unhealthy behaviors.
Many of my recovery friends have chosen to keep bday cards w/money or presents until it is a healthier time - then the grandkids will know that they were not forgotten - We just had to wait until it was a healthier time to be a part of their lives.
I think you are doing a wonderful job taking care of YOU.
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
