The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my greatest struggles during this recovery process has been the acknowlegement that what I know in my head, and how I react/respond,have not been in sync with each other. I have always been somewhat of a realistic and based my actions on common sense, logic, and "doing the right thing" whether I wanted to or not. (Hmm... codependency in its early stages?) Anyhow, my point is that I do not want to be hooked by my soon-to-be-ex-AH anymore. He does not want me, and I don't love him nor do I don't want him in my life, but I also don't want to feel hurt by him. I want to be free, and I am not, and I hate that!
So the other day I presented this issue to my counselor by telling her that I know many women with husbands (A or not) way less creepy than mine (i.e - no infidelity) and they can't wait to kick them to the curb, but something in me hangs on. What is wrong with me? To this she replied, that given my history of losing my parents at a young age, being raised by relatives in an environment void of emotional nurturing right smack in the middle of 7 kids, and then marrying my emotionally unavailable husband, I have never been a priority in anyone's life. However, it is a primal need to want to feel loved, valued, needed.. and it makes perfect sense that I am strongly holding onto the last relationship where I thought I had it. She then went on to say that every contact I have with him where I don't get my needs met is just another blow reinforcing what I need and that I can't get it from him. And that hurts. Of course, that is my concise version and she spoke much more detailed and eloquently, but it fit for me. Perfectly. I got it. Then, nothing like having the experience to drive it home!
That evening after dinner I fell asleep holding my youngest on the couch. We were both fully dressed, shoes, jackets and all. It was only 6:00. My AH came over to bring something to the kids. I heard his voice above me, opened my eyes and then shut them again. He kissed all the kids and then left. Then, he came immediately back, woke me and said, that although he was scheduled to have the kids on Wed night, he could take them on Tues night too (but not til after 8) if I would like. I just sort of looked at him and said I didn't know, and he told me just to let him know and left.
Wow. Seems benign, huh? This interaction set off a wave of sadness in me unlike one I have experienced in a long time. Could he possibly be showing some compassion? Was he offering to help ME? Did he see that I am tired from raising 3 kids all by myself? Just the mere thought of him caring about me made me cry, and yearn for what I have always wanted. Wierd. Then, I accepted that I didn't know why, that maybe he just wanted to spend time with the kids, that it probably had nothing to do with me, and that I just need to move on. So, I am trying, and this post is my final step.
The finale in all this is that the next afternoon my AH texts me to say that unless I had some great need, he was retracting his offer because his back hurt so bad he was in tears. So many flippant responses ran thru my head with that one, but I responded simply with "okay". My daughter was not happy about this and kept asking my how his pain and them spending the night were related. Were they so overwhelming? I offered no explanation other than suggesting she call her dad and ask, which she did. Not sure what he said, but by her reaction I gathered that his cape was ripped a tad bit more and his pedastal formed a crack. She clearly was disappointed and did not like the answer she got. I just told her I was sorry. Their relationship is not mine, and I will make every attempt not to intervene anymore. He followed the conversation with a text to me apologizing for any trouble his retraction caused. I didn't respond.
So, I keep plugging along with all of you, accepting this experience as one more step closer to obtaining the serenity I so desperately want. I sure hope it comes sooner than later. I am getting tired.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
awesome post Lou. What your shrink said goes double for me, too. Same sh*t, different day/life.
I just wanted to say that I know that feeling of craving and never getting and I am looking at all that too- why do I choose to "invest" in the people I do?! To perpetuate that cycle, I guess. I have no answers, just wanted you to know that I am wallowing in a similar pigpen these days. And those waves of feelings when someone is nice, is kind, how immense that can feel- waaay over reactive material for me. Gotta watch that stuff.
You are working your program one day at a time. I, too, stick more and more to single word responses like "ok" instead of launching into anything more intense. In many parts of my life. Just keep it simple. Just stick to one single word. That one beautiful humble word of acceptance: "OK". what a profound concept.
I am right there next to you in a whole different place and dimension and time. Thanks for your post, it was good for me to read this am. I like how thoughtful you are. I like reading you. Hugs, J.
I needed a good reminder to work on my reactions. I have a knack for taking negative behavior in stride. When positive behavior comes into my life I somehow turn into a small child. I am working on acknowledging that some people are just nice people, waiting to see a consistent pattern before deciding they are my new friend, love interest, business partner ... whatever their place may be. No more pledging loyalty to someone over a few kind acts and then ignoring the next 15 bad ones.
It is working, I have a solid foundation of my true "great" people in my life. They've been there for many years and shown a consistent positive attitude and caring for me and themselves. I hope to add more to the group but if not it's ok. I am finding that most of what i need is inside me.
Lou, thank you for sharing your experience. I also struggle with the disconnect between my thoughts and actions. I pray to my HP to have the courage to stick to my convictions. To keep looking after myself and my son.I am getting over the loss of the promise of growing old together and living the happy family I did not have has a child. My hopes and dreams sometimes have a way of coloring my perception of reality. This has its biggest effect when I see signs of the man I fell in love with. When he peeks out behind the disease and says "hi". Sadly, I don't see him for long and then he is gone again. But my hopes and dreams keep the image going longer - I guess this is the power of denial in my life.
Lou, you sound like an incredible woman. I just know your HP has something great coming your way - if its not already there.
