The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I never realised what the death of a second parent would do to me, and it has caused me to be all over the place. The fact that I had not seen my father for nine years was in itself traumatic and whilst he was alive I had hope, when I heard that he had died I felt utterly hopeless.
It also brought up so many other ghosts and drowned me in total rejection, something that I have been working on this last year with this family.
The fact that everyone believe my AH and not me, and all blamed me and held me accountable for his drinking, his mistreatment, his violence, his lack of concern for the family and the dreadful marriage and the lack of good solid twofold parenting for our children.
I went to a healing mission on Sunday and spoke with friends who had taken me there, I prayed with a minister and asked that I would be released of the imprisonment that I had felt. During my time at my son's I went to see the Samaritians and met two wonderful people who saw into my heart and helped me begin to believe that with my father a lot of hopelessness had died and that I did have hope now for a better future.
They were right and it has taken me two weeks to come to that realisation. He had let me down so much, had rejected me so much and was so unable to show his love to me that he had been crushing me each day that he did not respond to me.
Now I have no parental judgement, now I have no guilt for being me and not the son he wanted, now I can let go and let God.
It is good to be back here with my family. I may not have been here for some time but you have remained close to my heart in my absence.
Love to all, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Glad to have you back. Both my parents are dead. I was estranged from them for years. Nevertheless there was and still is tremendous grief over very complicated issues. You are not alone.
I am so glad to hear from you Suzannah. I have not been here lately either, but realised how much I need this group when I read your post. You mean a lot to me.
I have a feeling, call it a gut feeling cause obviously I don't know for sure, that when we die much will be made clear that we could not see before. I hope your father can see you now for the beautiful woman you are. I beleive that many people that I know are fery sick with the disease of alcoholism and/or codependence. Most of the people who hurt us are just very sick people. I am trying to learn to see that and accept it, so that I can protect myself. I am praying for clarity and acceptance for you and me both.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
