The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I often chuckle when others write that they have a long post - they haven't seen long yet! as I can write a short novel if I really let myself loose. I seem to have these rushes of many light bulbs going off at once until I am exhausted and need to rest to absorb it all. Along the journey into chaos & insanity having been involved in therapy for myself, our children, family & marriage therapies, I have learned alot of information but no tools to do anything with all the initial understanding. The al anon tools help me to change slowly and the changes make me aware of even more layers to look at and change too. It will be very interesting at 50 something to finally meet the true essence of who I really am when I get to the core.
Some of the progress made recently feels like I am stuck in a revoving door. Acceptance, no anger, ok acceptance, no anger!! Those stages of grief for loss of my dream like denial, anger, bargaining, & depression were dwindling for me but I was having this major flare up of anger whenever I got close to acceptance. Sort of fighting and clawing just one more time to stay sick which in someways felt more comfortable than the change again toward more healthy.
Finally I read this: "Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost a void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over.... " (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie)
....and that helped me to spring out of the dizzy circle into a tentative but welcome "void" in my acceptance that "ittruely is!! what it is!" Not the flippant and quick "it is what it is!" which makes me feel rushed into a 'get over it' girl.
When I started al anon I felt numb of all emotions to avoid all the related pain but void feels right now. It is a dull acceptance and now I can look forward to what ever comes next, just glad to get past that dizzy revolving door of anger and acceptance, tired of being sick with depression. Just a glimmer of hope to tease me to step towards what I want to do with my life, my reality now that I can see it better. Did I just wake up from a long dream? I think so! Life was a nightmare and dreaming was survival. Good morning to me and to all of you reading this.
Thanks for reading this - I work things out in my head as I pour my thoughts out writing. With much gratitude, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Thank you so much for the words of hope and wisdom
I would never say you are at the end of this crazy path to recovery because I am now understanding the path is never over, but it is very exciting for me to see someone that has learned to travel it with grace.
I tell myself that someday, this crazy roller coaster might turn into the merry-go-round of life with its highs and lows and some giggles along the way.
I love it when some words of Melodie Beattie's really resonate with me.
I like how you compare numbness to void...big difference! The void for me was the peace that entered when I accepted and let go and stopped fighting my own thoughts about my life with my A. It did not feel like peace at first because my heart had been torn to shreds.....but the letting go of my attachments that caused the shredding...that letting go felt so good. A void like a dark, quiet night sky.
Now a few years along this path of my own recovery, bumps feel like bumps - life is long and hard and bumpy, but it is no longer a nauseating roller coaster ride.
Thanks for sharing and so happy for your progress.
Wow......void of feelings.That almost sounds peaceful to me. That IS what acceptance feels like.It really IS what it is. I get it on a deeper level and I am ok with it. Good place to be.
I think so! Life was a nightmare and dreaming was survival. Good morning to me and to all of you reading this.