The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have this little movie that plays in my head of a sweet, warm, trusting, balanced little girl in my heart. She works all day long on the wall. It comes all the way down when I am around my brother and family. She replaces it brick by brick as I move into public. Makes little peepholes by taking out certain bricks when interested in something, someone. Takes out more for a better view if I feel safe, slides them back in if not. Someday I would like to get her a reinforced steel automatic garage door, with a peephole of course ... so she can take a break, put her feet up, use the remote to let in life and use it again to protect against the negative. These bricks are getting heavy.
I am an artist/sculptor and in 1999/2000 I constructed a 27.000 lb circular wall from ice blocks that measured around 11 feet tall and enclosed an approximately 14 foot oval around me. The wall was around 3 feet thick There were a few windows and there was a hidden doorway. There was no roof. It was the perfect metaphor for myself. I had a fire going inside. It existed in the main square of the city I was living in at the time for about a week and I lived there. It was very cold. I had a lot of visitors. I only let certain people in. It was a meaningful time and one of the most accurate self portraits I had ever created. J.
I never thought about how much work it is keeping those walls we have in place. But, I think we all have those walls, and some of them are good. They protect us from things we need to keep out of our lives. I think its all in how we use them. When I thought about your garage door remote analogy, it made me think about that thing that garage doors do, they close slowly (things can sneak in under it as it closes, and if something big is under it when it closes, it opens again without us being able to stop it. (Is that me always looking for the negative?) Its kinda funny how much I thought about that garage door. (hehehe) I love anything that makes me think! After pondering my walls, I came up with something that might make my "wall shifting" easier for me. I think I will work on a clear sliding glass door. Something that lets me see what is out there so I can decide what I want in, and what I want to keep out. I can open it top to bottom with just a little effort, and can slam it shut fast when I see something that might hurt my progress. I think that, as I grow and learn, my experience will become my "romote". Maybe I will put shades on that door too, so if I need time alone, I can just pull the shades down, and go take a long hot bath. Hmmmmmmm a remote control for a sliding glass door. We could make a fortune!
Thanks again for making me think. It helped me put things into prospective.
I think I also have brick walls - but one of my biggest issues is throwing those bricks!!
I think I'm so self assured, got this recovery thing under control and then I realize I'm throwing those bricks -
oooh and I think I'm throwing those bricks at people that are hurting me, at those who don't respect my boundaries and those "mean" people . . . .
but as I examine it more I realize what I am really doing is throwing those bricks at ME.
You're the one that let that person in your life, you're the one that should have known better, how could you be so blind, stupid, naive, blah, blah, blah
brick by brick by brick I knock me down and down and down and down - right back down to that level of unworthiness, low self-esteem and undeserving of healthy boundaries.
There I am again - right back at a version of Step 1 . .
I am powerless over how I have been affected by alcoholism/addiction and it makes my life unmanagable.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thought provoking post and replies. Makes me think how lack of trust and negativity has entered my life more for safety but I can also block the spontaneous surprises hp might be throwing my way. I want to find some middle ground between too trusting, too careless, too fearful and more positive or more living life with freedom to experience the good stuff. Too much bad has made me isolate and block the good & the bad.
Jennifer, you are not alone, many of us can relate to your movie.
hugs, ddub
ps: Jean, it's fun thinking of you living in your sculpture - what an experience that must have been.
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I've continued thinking about this and made some decisions. I don't want some ugly old garage door. I actually like my bricks, they can be pretty. I was rreminded recently of one of my favorites stories "The Secret Garden". I have decided that little girl can stop carrying bricks, the wall can stay up, maybe some ivy and moss can be allowed to accumulate and there should be a door, a magic door that shows itself to the proper people. Inside the little girl can tend a beautiful garden ... I think that would be more appealing to myself and anyone enteringm y heart than some exhausted ragamuffin ready to throw bricks.
Last week I went to bed upset with my exAH and the world.Got up the next day the same way.The world was not going the way I wanted it to and the exAH was being a complete jerk.I went to work deciding I wasn't going to answer my cell phone.Of course he called.Left a message...you still mad? I was not mad. I was...what...it felt like I was pulled back, into myself.Away from everyone.Reminded me of a turtle in a shell.That's where I was.In my shell.No one was going to hurt me now. As usual the people at work can coax me out.They are happy to see me and respect and appreciate me.They make me laugh and I become willing to come out and participate in the world again.
It's comfortable in my shell but it is also dark.There are empty potato chip bags and candy wrappers in there.It feels safe but it is also lonely.
