The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been separated from my Ah for 2 1/2 weeks. I am sad. I am very very sad. Sometimes I feel liberated about moving forward. Other times I want to run back to the place I was in, no matter how bad it was, just to have that sense of "normalcy" back.
Sometimes I think that my relationship with my husband was over long ago, what was keeping it going was me having a relationship with "what I wanted to be" rather than "what was".
I am taking steps to take better care of myself. I've done many things that I've been holding off doing for one reason or another, over the years. Tonight I took my first of six line dancing classes! I so badly want to go and grab my Ah by the scruff of his neck and drag him into doing what I want him to be doing. I want to "force the solution" and harp him for not attending the AA meeting today that he promised that he would. I want to phone him and "make nice" and lead him into .....this, that, the other.
But I don't. Because as one wise person on here pointed out... Just like me, my Ah is not happy and "he is asking me to dismount from his back" and he has dignity in his choices, even if they don't match mine.
It just feels very sad. And it is difficult to watch us move further and further apart. But, noone ever promised things to be easy, right?
I'm sorry you're going thru this and feeling so sad right now. I relate to that sadness. The first couple of months of being seperated from my AXH, I was grieving for the loss of him (the person left was not the real him), his presence, and most of all my illusion of what was and could have been. I called it my illusion because I knew even then it had absolutely nothing to do with the actual reality. It did not help that I knew all this somewhere inside, it still hurt so much. It gets better, it takes alot of time but it does get better. And after more time and a whole bunch of taking care of yourself first it gets real good. It's not easy, in my opinion what i have learned about myself and how I want to live was worth it. Take care of yourself, try to do the little pampering things you may never had time for
Rora, back in July, I could have written just exactly what you wrote, except I didn't take the dancing class! Yay You!
I stayed in a verbally abusive and horrible marriage for years after it was "over" because I kept thinking if I only wished hard enough, tried hard enough, prayed hard enough, we would magically have the life "I" wanted. Trouble is, he didn't want it. I finally had to get tough with myself and decide I could either stay and be sad forever, or go and be sad forever. It finally got so bad, and the abuse escalated to the point where I had no choice but to go. And I did with a heavy heart. I cried and cried and cried. He had been telling me to go for years. I don't think he believed I would stay gone when I left, but I have.
I finally learned what "Let Go and Let God" mean. I finally learned to put myself first. I let go of control. I just learned "to be". It wasn't easy, and wasn't always fun, but it was necessary to my survival.
I moved into my apartment on July 7. I was fat, a nervous wreck, on pills for depression. I felt so unloved. But I was surrounded by friends who loved me and supported me, I just wanted my AH to love me, but he didn't or couldn't, not the way I wanted.
Now, I hardly recognize myself. I have time for myself, for my friends. I have a full and happy life. The divorce was final Oct. 6, and as a bonus, I even got a new love. Someone who values me for me.
I never thought I would leave. I don't think he did either. It is very sad. It is the end of a dream, something we treasured, you and I.
You cannot see it now, just as I could not. But beyond all that sadness, waiting just beyond the shadows, is more joy than you could ever imagine.
I do not wish my ex AH harm. I hope someday he finds the path that makes him happy. He told me on the day we got the divorce that he had a new girlfriend. And you know what.....I didn't even flinch. I never thought I would be able to do that. I loved that man with what I thought was my whole heart. Looking back, I think maybe I was just as addicted to him as he was and is, to alcohol.
Anytime you need to talk, just send me a message, OK?
As you go to sleep tonight, imagine HP holding you in his infinite embrace, wiping away all tears and sorrow. Because He will! I am living proof.
