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I have been with SABF for a year now and things for the most part are great.....when they are great they are AWESOME. When we argue it is terrible. I have communication issues and I think he does too to an extent. He has been married before and divorced and was living wiht his ex fiance for 2 1/2 yrs, they got engaged and 6 mths later split up. That was over 2 yrs ago. He sold his childhood home to move in with her and gave up everything. After they split he bought a new home, 2 yrs ago, and that is where he lives now. He has also at one point between the ex wife and fiance lived with another girl for a year. A couple of months ago I brought up the subject of marriage.......he didn't respond as I had wanted, etc, so that put a distance between us. I thought that maybe he was just afraid so a week after, I suggested that he and I live together (of course this would have to be at my home due to numerous logical reasons),I was originally opposed to living together but really wanted us to give it an honest shot and was willing to compromise. That brought out another HUGE arguement and weeks trying to get "back on track". He says he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, and I love him (though it was very unexpected that he mananged to get inside the walls I built.) He stays with me on the weekends, then leaves on Monday to go back to his house and we usually don't see one another again until Friday or Sat. I feel like he lives two lives-he doesn't think so. I obviously want more than a weekend thing and feel that I'm ready for it, me and my son, BF seems content to just live together on weekends, and hold onto his house. I feel that I might need to set a reasonable "deadline" so to speak as to how much of my life I want to invest in something does not seem to be moving forward and when deadline arrives call it quits. How can he love me more than his ex fiance and not want to give everything up to be with me?? He says that has nothing to do with me. I feel hurt and misunderstood. I am just really confused about it all and it seems that we can't even discuss the future without an argument. I could really use some input MIP family......I hate to make a mistake and mess up something that I never thought I'd find, but on the same note I don't want to sit around and wait forever on something that isnt happening......Please help.
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
How can he love me more than his ex fiance and not want to give everything up to be with me?? He says that has nothing to do with me. I feel hurt and misunderstood.
That is what stood out to me. I thought love and commitment was giving up everything including myself. I was wrong. I have since decided that being my own person and allowing the other person to be themselves is closer to real love.
Only you know what you can live with and what you want out of life. Just because we want it and we think it is the best solution does not mean the other person is at the same point in their life.
It sounds like he has lost alot to his first two relationships. I am sure he needs time to learn to trust again, and he also needs time to heal. Is it possible that you are feeling he doesn't love you enough because he isn't willing to give it all up again? None of us can see into the future, so no one can tell you if you should wait, or move on. You need to decide what is in the best interest of you and your son. It seems like he isn't ready to talk about marriage, and thats ok if he isn't there yet. Make sure your life isn't totally wrapped up in him. It's not a good idea to try to make some one else responsible for your happiness. You are responsible for that.
I have discovered I am so much more controlling than I ever realized. Once I decided what I wanted, I did what I needed to do to get it. The sad thing is, that after I got it, it wasn't really mine, because it wasn't given freely. You dont want to make the same mistake I made. Let the relationship grow at the right pace. Don't rush it. If it doesn't blossom in a time frame that works for you, then you can move on knowing you did all you could do.
Is your A in sobriety? What was the status of his other relationships.
Maybe there are various stages to commitment beyond saying you love someone. I don't think it has to be all or nothing. I think maybe there can be compromises.
I would be loath I have to say after having "lost everything" to rush into anything and give up and risk anything without being able to feel a mutual commitment.
I also used to force solutions all the time. I know where that got me.
If u have only been together for a year and 'everything is going great' why the rush to live together? You have a child, I don't have kids but would think I'd be even more cautious about blending my life w/ someone to protect my kid from disappointment or heart ache.
Why does your b/f have to 'give up everything' to be with you? Why not throw your ideas out the window and give them up? If everything else truly is awesome, why rush to change it? Living together puts so many pressures & stressors on us, plus it will do that to your child as well.
Who knows what will happen in the future but focusing on it, is not living in today, the present moment. Right now, today is all we have. I stay busy focusing on me and experiencing gratitude. Take your attention off of b/f and put it squarely on you and son. Then who knows what will happen!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
