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Hello all, I have been reading w/out posting and it helps so much. You guys are awsome.......such an amazing support network. ahhh, where to begin.... again...... I guess I can start with saying that my A is gone in all ways that an A leaves us without dying. In my last post I said he really was not there anymore even when sober. He is sooooo not there now it is just heart wretching....even in the mornings which is when I would cherish the time we spent as I knew, some day, that too would be gone. For the past several months I have watched, taken mental notes, seen the decline even more. We really have nothing together which is so sad. It has not taken but a few months to realize that after years of trying to help, be understanding,(ok, mad and not so understanding for several at the beginning), cousiling, interventions......I can do no more for him.....He does not want help altho when, in the past, we talked about his drinking, It was I that he needed help from......been there done that...and I am sure it will be brought up again when I tell him I am leaving which is where I need help. First let me say that I ask God often to guide me in the way that he thinks will be best for me..not to mention for my A.....and let me tell you what/how our amazing God has guided me to date. When I realized that I just could not do this anymore, watching him literally kill himself....change so much.....and thought about life on my own and all the how, what, where's of it all I became hopeful.....scared to death but hopeful. I have great support from my family. Thinking about how much I can accomplish, how I can help someone in need if they need me.....so many things but most of allthe peace without the stress from 3p.m. on knowing what the evenings will be like...(never any constructive conversations anymore....really stupid and sad stuff or worse, the "lets start an argument" attitude.....these are a no win situation....damned if ya do and damned if ya don't...say anything that is!) so back to God....I look online every few days to see what may be available around my area. In my mind I know what I want, out in the country, small, can have my animals, preferably a cottage or small house....I've seen apts in homes near my area and that people i know own, several opportunities...I just needed to make the move to go look etc.....but something was not allowing me to pursue these...I just did not...they would have been good but something was just holding me back. So I keep looking and see on Craigslists, which I sometimes am cautious of, a place that certainly fits ALL my criteria....and I mean ALL....I was thinking it was a bit far away but used to make the drive to this area everyday to work and loved it as it is a beeeeeautiful area...so for the heck of it I email and get one back that says, "you sound perfect for this......"so we make an appointment and well, let me just say that God knew what he was doing. I pulled up and as soon as I got out of the car I was so at peace and almost in a euphoric state. The woman that owns it is a few years older then me and was holding her 18 month old grandchild....I'm not sure why but really felt so close to this woman immediately, we hugged!!!!! first time meeting her! It was like she knew what I needed! and that baby!!!! I just LOVE babies and he had the biggest smile on his face it was almost like I had crossed over to eternity or something!! In thinking before what I would tell potential landlords about my situation I had decided that I would be upfront and hopefully reassure them that my AH was not a violent person, that he would not be coming up and making scenes or anything and hopefully that would suffice....well, Mary(landlord.....and the name alone!!!!) just really listened and I swear, it was like she already knew as she nodded and said she was not worried at all about that. I need to break here and just tell this...he came home from work just now saying his boss was not at job site yet (carpenter) and when he called him to find out what to do he says boss was kind of wishywashy and my A told him that if it was ok he would take the day off as his foot is killing him. Now, granted, I believe this as I know his toe is probably broken from dropping a good size log on it BUT (and this is what part of the A's ways that freegin piss me off) he will not take anything.....asprin, aleve.....and will not tape it like I had said to do as it will help it since I know from years of breaking etc. toes from my horses stepping on them! So, ain't it amazing how he sets himself up for reasons to drink........even knowing that if he will not help himself, he will get no help from me. But what I really wanted to say here is what happens to me.....when I heard the van pull up into the driveway I immediately think uhoh, but also I realize (i've been analyzing my "dealing" mechanisms and brain waves when times get tough) how I immediately can not focus, I start getting all side tracked....ADD at it's best to say the least...the difference now is that I am able to control it better but still find my mind wanders so this may end up being a really long book! sorry guys. OK, so where was I oh yea, Mary......She was only concerned about me, wanting what was best for me...as I talked about if I could bring animals up and that will have at least 3 of my cats and told her I would have joint custody of our dog as my A adores her and visaversa and I could not take her away unless necessary, Mary says...."that is fine but if you find he is not properly taking care of her she is welcome"....just everything about this woman brought peace to me. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be...period! I told her that it wold be at least a year as if this does trigger him to see he needs help and gets sober I would not go back for at least that amount of time. I know his alcoholism better the I know myself now for heaven sakes, and sadly, I don't think he will ever quit until he is in the hospital with liver failure or dead. I hope I am wrong..... OK, about this place.....by the river, on a dead end street, family owns the whole area just about, it's own little building, bright, wood beamsstudio with loft above, garage and workshop (mine) below with woodstove for heat but also oil furnace, huge double deck overlooking the 5 or so acre lawn with willow trees, garden, the foothills in the background.....I mean. EVERYTHING I was hoping but doubtful I'd find!!!! And the price that I knew I could, with hard work, afford!!!!too good to be true? I never thought that which is weird, I knew it supposed to be. So when we talked about when, I had said that it would probably not be permenant til January as it will take a while to get through all my stuff and get my car back (transmission...paying on it slowly when I have the extra funds but faster now!) and don't need the truck(husbands)anymore...but would pay her whatever she wanted to make sure it was mine.....she says "oh, I'm not worried about that, it's yours. I think this is where you need to be. I know I would like to have you here". whewie! I'm there. Being so unsure before about this move, being 20 minutes away, really going through with it.......but as the few days have passed since then I am so sure this was definately created just for me! OK, now the advice I am seeking for those that went through this already....or anyone else that can advise......when should I break it that I am leaving, what do I say to try and HOPEFULLY keep it on a non-blaming level (I know, this is a tough one...!) My trouble sometimes is to....keep it simple stupid....I too will try and justify while talking to him....I now this will not be the best approach.... So there you have it! Sorry to take so much of your time but I just had to share this amazing work of God!....and a few other things... Thank you all. Love Melissa
Are you getting to f2f meetings yet? Or failing those, online meetings? I really believe they could be a huge help in this process. Heck, maybe Mary will turn out to be an Alanon person!
My suggestion would be to practice sentences that use the word "I" and do not use the word "you". "I have decided that I cannot live like this right now, and I am moving out for a time." And if he insists on an explanation for "like this" (and you decide you want to try to give him one), sentences that talk about you, not about him - like "I feel unsafe", "I don't feel like myself)... remember it is certainly not your job to convince him. Tell him what you feel is right for you to tell him, but if you find you're repeating yourself, it's time to stop - you've said what you need to say, and it's up to him whether he's prepared to hear it or not. (And if he's perpetually drunk at this point, the chances of his hearing and accepting are pretty slim.)
And if there is any whisper of concern about violence, I would move the most important things first, then tell him - with someone else there.
Glad the living situation seems to be falling into place - let us know how it goes.
Your post reminds me of a story I heard many years ago...
A man is hanging from a cliff. He slipped, and now he is just hanging by his finger tips. Below him, waves crash against enormous sharp rocks. He begins to pray to his HP to save him. So strong is his faith in his HP's help, that when a man approaches and offers his hand to help him up, he says 'no, my HP will save me, I have faith.' The rescuer goes away. The man continues to pray. A few minutes later a boat appears below him. They call up with a microphone - 'let go! we have a net and we will catch you!' The man calls back 'I have faith in my HP, he will save me!'. The boat leaves and the man, fingers slipping more every second, keeps praying for his HP to rescue him. A helicopter approaches, and drops a rope. The pilot calls for him to grab on. Again, he refuses. The helicopter leaves, and the mans fingers finally give out and he falls to his death below. When he gets to heaven, he approaches his HP and asks "HP, I had faith in you. Why didnt you reach out and save me?" His HP looks at him and says....
..."I sent you a guy, a boat and a helicopter, what else do you want??"
*Life's reminders Easy Does it, First Things First, How Important Is It?, Just for Today, Keep An Open Mind, Keep It Simple, Let Go and LET GOD, Let it begin with Me, Listen and Learn, Live and Let LIVE, One Day At A Time.*
In speaking with others "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it in a mean way."
Sounds like you are well on your way to happiness, there has been an amazing opportunity for you to begin your life anew. Don't worry about your tomorrows nor his as they aren't yours to worry about. What will be, will be. Our job is to take care of our needs to get healthy, to find peace and serenity in meetings, in readings, in sharing in asking. This little woman sounds heaven sent to me, just my take on it. Hope this helps. Trust that the rest will fall into place.
Thank you so much but are ya ready for this?????The story of the man on a cliff???? I was visiting a friend not 3 hours ago and she told me this!! wow..... Unfortunately, a glitch.....maybe my love of the place and Mary was a bit over the top with excitement....I am still a bit confused why....no, alot confused.....I got an email about an hour ago saying she rented it to a gent who looked today at the apt. and he gave her the cash up front...I was not going to be able to til Thursday.....oh well. I was really sad, confused.....hurt...... and pretty cranky over it but ya know what? It is what it is. Other plans in the works I guess. I will keep looking and know there was a reason this did not work out. Time will tell. TTM., thanks so much for this advice....I remember that know. not using "you" and it makes so much sense! It won't ever be placing the ball in his court to enable him to "attack". Only to see it is not about him.....for a change. oh boy....... Mary did say in her email that she had a friend that has a big house (farther away tho so not really doable) and is so lonely.....well, I appreciated this but I have decided that I want to be by myself. I know me and all I would do is be concerned if all is ok with the other person/roommate and end up being anxious if the cats were a concern or if I "stepped" on toes.....I just want to be me with me...... love, M
Auuuuuughhhhhhh!!!! This stuff makes me CRAzy!!!! "don't worry, it's yours. oh, I rented it to someone with cash up front." Heck, maybe Mary is an A. Maybe Mary is severely codependent and tells everybody exactly what they wanna hear.
Maybe it's time for me to stop focusing on Mary and start focusing on me. Sigh. Such a simple program, but not easy.
Well, this was an interesting little episode to say the least, huh. One of the readings I like in C2C talks about asking our HP for clarity and trusting that we will get it when the time is right. Here's to the plan he actually has, not the one we thought he did....
From what I have been hearing, I guess Mary is quite Whacked....coulda fooled me but then again, I am quite the sucker at times and obviously vulnerable now! I do know there is a plan......I fight so much with myself figuring out how my HP wants me to be.....I think my mistake is reading too much on how to truly get God into my life more...mistake only because I think I am not up to what he expects me to be....reading Warren's books..now "Purpose Driven Life, Why on Earth am I here". Got me all paranoid that I am just not doing enough. I talk to Him and His Son everyday....try not to ask too much..... I am a huge outdoor person and love and am amazed by the beauty of everyday life....weather....animals...knowing He has created this all....just blows me away. Anyhoo, Back looking for places and even thinking of checking out a subsidized housing place. It is in a beautiful location. I just really want to be by myself. Thats why this other place was so grand. After nights like tonight, I tend to want to rush things a bit to get away from the A. Makes me just sick at how non-coherent and illogical he is ...wanting an argument, being just unbelievably...well...just plain sickening!!! And it's all me! I have an attitude....because I am really tired after 3, 13 hour days. I try to be nice, I really do. I don't start arguments but remember????damned if ya do and damned if ya don't. "what's the attitude?" because I am not saying much.....then if I say anything, somehow, someway, it starts something....ok, I'll tell you, good example. "What's for dinner"? me-"gees, I haven't really thought about it ."(I just got home at 7 p.m....he was off from 12 on ....drinking but did not say the above nasty or anything, cause I KNOW). "how about just some ham and cheese sandwiches and chips...I'm not really up for cooking." him-with attitude-"what? that's it?" oh boy....this is gonna be hard but I am standing my ground...." yea hon. I really am tired and just want to have something simple and quick." him- "well, we could at least get take-out"...ok, this presents a problem as despite the place is only a mile and a half away I don't want to go and as much as I don't want to say it I do...."will you go get it?" "yes, I guess so" he says and I do think uh oh......he'll be driving drunk but God did come to the rescue.....after looking at the Take-out menu, aftr being so adament that Ham and Cheese sucked and letting me know way more then what I said above, I do believe he had already forgotten the conversation of said Ham and Cheese sandwiches he says " What did you say? do we have enough ham and cheese? we might as well save some money and have ham and cheese sandwiches" I stay quiet for 2 seconds too long...."what's with the attitude?" God Help me.... I do not know how to stay calm without some sort of attitude......as when he is really bad I just keep quiet but yet he nags and stares and wants to know what is wrong and when I say nothing this does not help and ya know what it's like to be truthful at this point right? Being tired does not work as then I get "Yea, well so am I"....ok....so...let's try.....nothing? nope, then it's "what do I do? what did I do? I work my ass of all day and you have an attitude...." and of coarse I REALLY want to say....."no you did not, remember? you took half a day off to get all this xxxx done and you did nothing but drink you dumb xxxx." but I don't....obviously.....but I wanted to.....I wanted to scream and yell and pound and swear and just puke....... It's just a No win situation here at this point. For the first time ever tho, tomorrow a.m. I will be telling him that I am going to be with my sister all day and have dinner with her then Sunday going to be with a friend for a good part of the day. And I am going to be truthful and tell him I just can not be around him on the weekends too much anymore as when he drinks so much most of the whole weekend, it just kills me. And I, I I I I I don't want to be around it!!!! Hey, TTM, when you talk about my using I when telling him I will be leaving...despite the fact that this opens up the "you are so selfish" mode for him to use which is a favorite for him, this really is still the way to go, right? ok, enough blabbing tonight....sleep well all Melissa
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 03:57:35 PM
when times get tough) how I immediately can not focus, I start getting all side tracked....ADD at it's best to say the least...the difference now is that I am able to control it better but still find my mind wanders so this may end up being a really long book! sorry guys.
oh yea, Mary......She was only concerned about me, wanting what was best for me...as I talked about if I could bring animals up and that will have at least 3 of my cats and told her I would have joint custody of our dog as my A adores her and visaversa and I could not take her away unless necessary, Mary says...."that is fine but if you find he is not properly taking care of her she is welcome"....just everything about this woman brought peace to me. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be...period! I told her that it wold be at least a year as if this does trigger him to see he needs help and gets sober I would not go back for at least that amount of time. I know his alcoholism better the I know myself now for heaven sakes, and sadly, I don't think he will ever quit until he is in the hospital with liver failure or dead. I hope I am wrong.....
