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A few weeks back my AH threw a huge tantrum and destroyed the better part of our home. The cops came, yadda, yadda and now he has a warrant for his arrest. We have a marriage counseling session tomorrow and I've been thinking about telling him about the warrant for his arrest at the session. I'm terrified he is going to be angry and abusive, so I wanted a safe place to tell him. I've been wondering though... is it for me that I'm telling him or is it to hurt him. I really believe that it is the best solution for the situation because I want to give it to him to worry about what he should do rather than me worrying about whether I should tell him or not. But this little voice in me keeps saying, I should then continue to tell him he needs to turn himself in and deal with the consequences now rather than later.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice on how I should approach this from the most loving and detached way?
I am assuming that the police are the ones who pressed the charges , let it be. Destroying your home for any reason is totally unexceptable , I believe that when they run out of furniture = your next . His behavior has brought this on let him deal with it . Marriage councelling well can u call the theripist before hand and ask her opinion about whether to use this oportunity to tell him about the warrant ? or to let this just play out the way it's supposed to with no interfernce . ? Louise
My personal experience with this is that unless you have a marriage counslor who is well versed in alcoholism and abuse then it is not only a waste of time but also dangerous.
My ex and I did marriage counsling on and off thru the years and it never made anything better. He learned how to manipulate and use the techniques against me.
Since the warrent is because of his abusiveness, I would say to be extra careful. Why do you have to say anything? It sounds like you are scared to tell him. And doing so in session, although it may keep you safe for that hour, you still have to go home with him. Abuse only esclates. A's can hold onto anger for years.
My ESH is to believe the reality of what your H is and how he chooses to behave and protect yourself.
Maybe you're trying to one up him. I use to love to have evidence that my alcoholic should listen to me me me and when I got evidence I could say SEE!! Problem was I was denying and overlooking the evidence that pointed out where I needed changing like allowing her the dignity of her choices and consequences. He's not you and won't be you. Turn him over.
Keep coming back. It might be a very good time to lookup the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and call for meeting places and times and maybe a real voice to talk to for the moment. When you get the information focus on getting to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days (my experience) and reading as much Al-Anon literature as you can get your hands on.
I'm not sure why you know about his warrent and he doesn't? If the police were there, then he must know there will be a "next step" in the process. Was he so drunk he doesn't know what happened? If so, it is HIS problem. If he just thinks "its all better now", He will find out it isn't. YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't cure it, YOU cant control it. Let the police do what they do. Maybe the justice system will help him along his way. It seems like you telling him something he should already know doesn't seem productive. If he wants to know later why you didn't tell him, you can just tell him you assumed he knew.
My A fiance was abusing and drinking heavely. He committed a crime while under the influence. At first he did not realize because at the time he was having a blackout. When he did find out he left for a month but then came back and turned himself in. I've learned that I have to let him live his life and make his own choices the only person I can control is myself. In times like these it's good to take care of myself and do what I feel is best for me. Also spending time with my HP and meditating helps me gain wisdom as to what to do about situations. I find when I'm upset it's hard to think rationally about the situation as I get myself all worked up. Later on I usually realize that there is a soultion if we just remain calm. It can be hard dealing with these kinds of situations. I've never dealt with abuse though so i'm not sure what I can say about that.
Thanks everyone for your replies & support! I called the cops because he was out of control and yes, I was afraid I was next. But before the cops came, he left the house - which was what I had asked him to do anyways because he had spent the weekend getting high and was out all night and woke one of our babies up in his loud stupor. I am terrified and maybe it is best to hold this one in until I feel more calm about things. The counselor I found is educated and specializes in helping alcoholic/addicts as well as relationships & is a pastor which helps with our belief that we should not get a divorce. It was really a godsend that I found him and my AH actually likes him!
I guess it is just eating me up inside with guilt as well as fear. I'm worried that it was because of me that he now has the warrant. That it was because of me that I told the cop about how he damaged so much of my stuff that the cop said the warrant is for a felony arrest. I'm worried that I will have to press charges because it was my stuff and if he is found guilty of the felony he will lose his contractors license that he does all his work under. I do know that it was not my decision to have him get high nor was it my decision for him to destroy our house and scare me so badly that I felt it necessary to dial the cops. But I'm still scared.
BTW, I have been going to alanon meetings as much as I can. I have 2 small babies at home and am worried about finding a sitter who will have to put up with the unpredictability and unsafe environment of my AH. THis board is helpful when I cannot get out of the house to make it to a meeting. Any other advice would be appreciated!!! Very grateful for you all:)
Let me ask you this: If he was sober and did this, would you consider it acceptable behavior? Drinking doesn't justify his behavior. It may explain it, but it does not justify it. At one point I didn't feel safe with my A in the house. I made him leave. I did this for me. Recovery is for me, not for him. Recovery is about you and for you. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
So glad you came here and shared this. It may save your and your children's lives!
Please I very, very much encourage you to contact your social services dept. Let them know you need to be directed to a woman's support group concering violent abuse from your AH.They can help you understand many things and how to get help.
In his condition he could have easily killed you, your kids or injured you all horribly.
No time to be scared,time to be a mother bear and protect you and the kids! A womans group will help you to be proactive.
As far as telling him, in my heart, I say I would not even talk to him or ever want him around me or kids again! I would have a restraining order on him, change the locks, and make it known to everyone he is violent and dangerous to your family!
I am not one to be soft about this type of behavior. This is my personal experience I am sharing with you. Abbyal is right, and you said yourself you felt your life was threatened.
Please keep coming back as we all care very, very much.Alanon is not the only help you need hon, please,please ask your counselor to guide you. I sure would not continue any marriage counseling until he chooses to get clean on a program and get into anger management programs to possibly help him with his violent behavior that is NOT part of being an addict! love,debilyn who was there!!
I guess it is just eating me up inside with guilt as well as fear. I'm worried that it was because of me that he now has the warrant. That it was because of me that I told the cop about how he damaged so much of my stuff that the cop said the warrant is for a felony arrest. I'm worried that I will have to press charges because it was my stuff and if he is found guilty of the felony he will lose his contractors license that he does all his work under. I do know that it was not my decision to have him get high nor was it my decision for him to destroy our house and scare me so badly that I felt it necessary to dial the cops. But I'm still scared.
Having been there myself, let me ask you this: how is it because of you that there is a warrant? Would you have called the police if he was just sitting home with you watching TV and having conversation? No. He chose to drink and destroy YOUR stuff. Who's choice was that? Who created that situation? If he is found guilty, who created that? He is guilty of destroying your stuff, correct? Had he not scared you so badly, you would not have called the cops, correct? Again, who created that? Not you. As for telling him, if you did decide to, and he got violent, who again is creating that? IMO, he should bear the consequences of his own actions. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Stay strong, for you and your kids' sake.
Thanks so much for all of your support. I truly believe everything in life happens for a reason. And although, I would not wish anyone be in my situation right now, there is so much going on to affect my AH that I am forced to take my life one day at a time. I have to focus on the here and now to get through the time. I have been spending a lot of time reading literature and finally got the courage to get a babysitter in here, so I can go to more meetings. I am trying to step back, be nice and love my AH despite his attemps to argue and start a fight. So much of this is new and kinda difficult to start a new pattern... but I truly believe it is helping.
I know I didn't cause any of this chaos, but I have to keep reminding myself of that whenever those negative thoughts pop up that make me wonder what I could have done different to change what he did. Instead I just try to stay out of the way and let things happen. Social services is requiring him to make some changes and he is getting some devistating news from a family member. I'm praying over and over again that I may have the strength to think before I speak and let things play out as they are supposed to.
