The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After enduring years and years of abuse, I have now fallen in love HARD with someone new. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. The only thing is we live 30 miles apart, which isn't that far, but he has responsibilities at his home, as he moved back in with his parents after his divorce a year ago, and they count on him a lot to help around the house, which is good. He also has his cat to care for. He lives in an apartment below his parent's living quarters, and that is where the cat stays too. The thing is, he comes to my house on Friday, stays Friday and Sat. night, then goes home Sunday afternoon, around 3-5pm. At first, I was fine with him leaving. Then the more time we spent together, the deeper I fell for him, and I hate, hate, hate it when he leaves. Last week, I even got all teary eyed when he was leaving. Whoo-that even surprised me! He has been sick since last weekend with the sinus infection stuff, and I got it this Friday. We did nothing this weekend but lay around. We did venture out this noon for something to eat. Just a little bit, we were napping, and he woke up and said he had to go. Has to help his folks get the weekly trash out for pickup tomorrow, do a few things for his folks, clean up the cat's litter box, do some of his laundry, all the necessary things a person has to do. So, we are saying goodbye, and I just almost burst into tears. He always says he hates to leave, asks if there is anything I need before he goes, asks if I need anything from the store, if I need him to help me do something. So........why do I get like this. I hate it. And it is very embarrasing......we've only been going out togther since Sept. 1 I need some ESH on this. I know he loves me. I know I love him. I know too much togetherness can kill a relationship, and I know ours is pretty new. I just wish we didn't live so far apart. We only see each other from Fri. to Sunday, as he works 2nd shift, and is going into work, just as I am getting off. He calls me on his breaks, his lunch, my lunch, before he clocks in. He's doing everything right, so why am I such a mess today? I know I am feeling really bad, maybe that is why. And those old abandonment issues surface time and time again for me, I guess. I am afraid I am going to scare him off if I'm not careful. After so many years of having NOTHING, why am I so greedy for MORE MORE MORE??? I have a full life, I have lots of friends, a job that keeps me busy, things to tend to at my own home, a granddaughter. He tells me he loves me, and I believe him. It is just very embarrassing to break down like that and bawl like a baby. I don't know if he was sure what to think. I just told him I missed him already, and I wasn't feeling well. If I were able to move closer to him, I would. We talk about "someday" seeing where things lead. But he has also been involved in relationships that started too fast and fizzled out, and is wanting to be careful too. I sure don't want to mess this one up. I don't think I could survive it if I did. HELP!
WOW Becky......If I didn't know better I would swear I wrote half of your share. I too spent years in an abusive marriage, and many years after avoiding relationships at any and all costs. I met, online, a man a year ago and we hit it off and fell in love. It was rough starting because of my issues, and even rougher because he is a soberA (10 yrs in program). He bought a house 2 yrs ago about 30miles from me, and I bought my house about 2 1/2 yrs ago. My place is in my son's school district, close to my work and close to my elderly disabled mother whom I care for also. BF's is in another state. He comes on Friday or Sat night and then leaves on Monday after work......we usually only see one another on the weekend. Lately I have really been wanting more, and have brought it up only to be met with less than enthusiasm. Bringing it up almost destroyed what we had. We are both scared I guess....not sure. I am trying sooooo hard to just Let it Be......and let go and let God but it is hard. Watching someone you love leave you over and over again takes a toll and sometimes we allow it to bring back the past. Just be strong, keep the faith and remember that you have to take care of you and trust that what is meant to be will always find a way...............TC of you........
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Sounds like your feeling 15 again. Having all the emotions, and excitment, along with the insecurities. Do you remember back then? At least that is how I felt with my first relationship after divorcing my A. I look back on my life and realize I had fewer relationships than my daughter did by the time she was 16. She was young, and went through quit a few guys before she settled down to one. I didn't have that experience. I didn't learn how to get into the pool slowly.... I just wanted to JUMP IN! Your new man sounds very responsible and respectful to you. That is wonderful. You said you started seeing him Sept 1st, so by my math its been two months. I know its hard to take it slow and enjoy the moment instead of looking into the future, but I wish you could. It seems like your time with him is great, and it seems like he is taking the lead by calling you all the time. Your relationship seems to be growing nicely. I am sure you want it to continue to grow and be health. I dont think you have to worry about crying a little. I also dont think it would be a bad thing to let him know that you are kinda new at this, so he can let you know if your going too fast sometimes. A healthy relationship includes the ability to talk to each other and share your weaknesses along with your strenghts. Enjoy today........ don't look too far ahead. Slow down and smell the roses
Way to go Becky , sounds wonderful . Your right we are so needy we often scare people away , u say u have a full life and weekends are great , 1/2 hr drive is nothing hardly time to warm up the car. Too much togetherness can ruin a relationship , I am married to a man who gives me all the freedom I want and need but when we are to gether we enjoy our time . His parents need him obviously and he seems committed to helping them ,that won't change any time soon = acceptance comes to mind . It is what it is . and it sounds like your having the time of your life , enjoy !!!! Louise
OK, thanks for the words of sanity. Where my mind was reeling with crazy thoughts, you reminded me it was OK for me to be sorry when he leaves. I know being sick like I am is making me weepy, and vulnerable. He knows and understands that. He just called after he got home, and said he will call later. Went to the store to get his supplies for his work lunches and stuff for his cat. He is very responsible, and steady, and I am NOT used to that, scared I am going to throw a wrench in the works. Maybe give him a test to see if he loves me, all that crazy stuff. REmind me to stop. Say, Becky just stop, stop stop. Remind me to enjoy the days and hours I am blessed with to have this man in my life. He sure is good, and I think he is a keeper, and I sure wasn't looking. But, yeah, I am in love. Maybe for the first time in my life, a real, non-crazy, honest with each other, love. I have a lot of learning to do. His ex, (been divorced a year) wouldn't let him have any friends or go anywhere, since her first ex cheated on her. Now he doesn't have any friends to speak of, but he still has a very full life. Works out, helps his folks, takes care of his cat, helps me out. I need to stop and remind myself that what will be will be. Definately take the H.A.L.T. challange. Because when I get to Hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, the horns come out. Tonight, I am hungry, lonely, tired, and also sick! So, a cup of hot tea, some soup, a girly mag, a hot bath, and a phone call to look forward to from him later should do the trick. He always calls when he says he will. Thanks again, my beloved friends. Love in Recovery. Becky1
I can relate to what you posted. Although I've been with my A since I was a teenager so he is the only serious relationship I've ever really had. But, whenever he would come over I would feel the exact same way. I would not want him to go and I would cry. It was hard watching him leave over and over again. Right now he is in prison so it's hard not having him around and at times I feel very lonely. It's hard when relationships are new and you are worried about messing them up. But he says he loves you and seems like a really nice man. Like someone else said "let go and let God" and "one day at a time" as well.
Well, I am happy for you after all you have been thru. But they are just that - relationships not life itself. I was told that I was love addict so I have serious abandonment issues. When my AHsober would just leave the room I would panic ( the child in me). Now that he is gone, I have to develop a plan of being self contained. In Alanon they tell us to develop a relationship with our HP's which should take alot of our time. You still need to validate yourself. He needs to validate himself. I am thinking boundaries might help.
Deep breath. Enjoy what you life. Life is good for you, so go for it. You'll be okay. You have your program in place. Pipers and I are very happy for you. Yes finding real love can be scary. Tim & I were both scared when we realized how deep and profound our love was. It's what makes us whole. Love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss the grandbaby.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
If it helps any I am envious that you get to see your man every weekend and he is only 30 miles away. I get to see my husband once every 2 months! Sometimes 2 1/2. He is over 4,000 miles away. Not only a whole day's flight away but about $1000.00 to do it. Cry me a river Girlfriend lol!!
He'll be home this mo. for our 21st anniversary :) Somehow we make it work by focusing on the good stuff and being grateful. It's not the ideal situation but it is what has been given us.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow, Christy, that is a long way! I don't feel so bad now. You must have a very special and strong bond between you. That is a gift in itself to be grateful for.
