The material presented
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Well, my story is pretty long but to make it a short version here it goes... I met and fell in love with my husband 5 years ago we married soon after. We are in our early 30's and use to go out a lot with friends drinking. I didn't think he had a problem at the time- even though i found out after he had 4 dui's and spent 8 months in prison in arizona for them, and use to use drugs in college a lot. I just let it go, he seemed like a completely different person than that. He was losing job after job for years and i slowly saw there was a problem because everytime we fought he would get so drunk on the couch and pass out- sometimes cigarette and all! Then i noticed he was getting perscription drugs and taking those and having 2-3 beers and passing out almost daily. As time went on i found out he had an affair and was caught chatting with women at work online sexually so the trust was gone i was suspicious all the time and the drinking got worse, i caught him taking shots of vodka he had hid when he thought i was in the shower- just a vicious cycle and i was hurting so much i chose to ignore it. Also noticed everytime a stressful situation came up with his family, friends, work- i was the one to deal with it at home by watching him get messed up. Of course i tried to get him help- he didn't think he had a problem, it was all me but the funny thing is- he blamed all on me all the time, when the only thing we ever disagreed about was his drugs and alcohol issues. Finally it got so bad i had to ask him to move out- can't help someone who doesn't want help! He was and still is on probabtion for his dui's and at that time it was last summer and probabtion got him on marijuana charges. he went back to jail for 2 months and at that time i found out he had been living a double life for atleast a year while at work. I went to the court and filed divorce while he was in jail. I had enough! One thing about him is he's such a great manipulator and knows all the things to say to pull me in. When he got out that is what happened. I let him come home to help him get on his feet but i still went forward with the divorce. He swore he learned this time and wanted help with the drugs and alcohol and apologized for his double life etc. I believed it again! A month after being comfortable and another new job he started it all again, drugs, alcohol, lying, sneaking around. I kicked him out, knowing he had nowhere to go because everyone else in his life have given up on him by now. he found someone on craigslist to rent from. From there it got worse, the divorce was final, he picked up a new pack of friends, new drug of choice- tar heroin, cocaine. lost another job, no money resorted to stealing his roomates credit card and using it all over town. At that point i got a phone call asking who this man was- he used me as a reference. The man was going to press charges and called his probabtion officer on him but he had taken his things and went to a hotel knowing he was going to be busted. I called him and asked what the f--- is going on! Offered to help him get into rehab- he agreed and i was sooo happy also since he was getting help the roommate didn't press charges- which he should have! His whole life he always got his way and did whatever he wanted and when caught he maniputates people and weazels out of his mess or other pick up his pieces for him- like i did! I brought him to the e.r. they put him threw detox and he stayed a few days. They called and said he's being released. i panicked and found a halfway home for him to go to until we could find a rehab to accept him. That lasted a day, had him come back to my home, the rehab said he would have a bed in 3 weeks- that was hell! He finally got in and i tried to be his support, he has no other but the drug dealers. He was sneaking around on the cell phone someone snuck in calling all the time- i saw he wasn't into it or following the rules again. His councelor told me he's been lying saying we are married still and not opening up. That was the last straw i decided in order for me to be able to move on i needed to move back to ct. from arizona to get away from it and be closer to family. It has done nothing but drag me down for years and everytime i try to help he lets me down. I just left last week, found out he's back on drugs- he didn't end up finishing rehab either he did 17 days. He keeps telling me he's going to get better for "us" and wants to come back here to ct.. I love this man unconditionally as it shows but he also has beat me down so bad i have no self-esteem and sometimes still think i want him back if he could change. I don't feel like i want to go meet anyone or i'll ever be happy. He use to be a professional man college degree, great job etc.- he let his whole life go down. I know i can meet people, i have a great job modeling, great family support, have all the material things one could want but i feel so empty inside and not sure why, i thought i got rid of the one thing in my life that brought me down. I don't even think at this point he even loved me one day, he doesn't know how and thats what kills me the most. I feel conned, used, and betrayed and like he was with me for security and money. I don't know where to turn next i really don't want to do something stupid and allow him to move here but i'm so lost. Any insight would be helpful. He swears he loves me but is that even possible when your so messed up on drugs and alcohol in that way? My family would probably dis-own me if i ever took him back- they don't know about the past 2 times after the divorce a year ago. Please help! I have gone to a few meetings with him in the past but i really don't understand an alcoholics way of thinking and why i could feel so bad for giving up when all he's done is hurt me and put me through hell! Why am i feeling so empty? he is saying he's going to meetings once in awhile, it does give me hope that maybe we can be together some day still- am i being crazy?
I am so glad you found this place. You can also go into the chat room by using the link in the upper left hand corner of this page. If I have learned anything, its that a user will minipulate us enablers as long as they can. Al-anon is filled with people who have stories much like your own. Personally, I have been with an alcholic my whole life. My dad was, my first husband was, and my last boyfriend. I didn't know where to go and I felt so alone, and ashamed to admit, even to myself, that I still was in love with my A (alcholic). There are a few thing you can do to start the process of healing.
Start going to Al-anon meetings. There are meeting everywhere, and you will see you are not alone. There will be people there that can share their experences and give you support.
Educate yourself. There is lots of information out there. You can get some at the meetings, or even at this web site. Read it with an open mind, and maybe you will see yourself in the pages.
Use this forum to either post messages, or go to the chat room. There are meetings in the chat room twice a day. You dont have to participate by sharing, but you can just sign in and help welcome those who share, and thank them when they are done. I know the chat room and the on line meetings helped me become stronger, and gave me the strenght I needed to start getting on with my life.
Please start taking care of yourself. You took the first step by getting away from a situation you finally realized you couldn't control. Now you need to focus on yourself and what you need to do to find some peace. Your journey wont be easy, but it will be worth it. Please use this site, and face to face meetings to help you along the way
Thanks for your share. Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. You must be exhausted ( and you said empty) after years of helping HIM. What about YOU? Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves. Afterall we are fighting a disease that is cunning, baffling, and insidious. Go to meetings, read the literature, and work the steps. This really isn't about love but an addiction as the wise folks have told me.
Your story reveals that you are indeed qualified for the Al-Anon Family Groups and there is a chair waiting just for you at face to face meetings in your area. As was suggested...go there and give the program a chance. Get to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days before deciding if what we have you need. You will read lots of posts here from others who have been where you are at now, including myself and who have found freedom from dispair and loneliness. As it was also suggested get and read as much literature as you can on the disease of addiction/alcoholism. You need to know about what you have been doing that has caused you so much pain.
It isn't about love but addiction. Keep and open mind on that one and let the others at the meetings help you understand that. At the meetings you will hear suggestions and you will hear experiences that are open to you to use. You will also hear or steps, traditions, concepts, slogans and more.
Keep coming back here and don't give up reaching out for help.
Glad you are here. You do sound exhausted, I know that feeling well. This is a good place to vent, so write as long of a post as you need to......I have written volumes, myself. Get all that poison out of your system. Alanon will show you a new way to live. Without all the pain and insanity. You are important. Let us show you just how much you are loved! Love in Recovery, Becky1
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and all the great advice. I will be on this board a lot i'm sure. I'm going to my first meeting tonight. It's been a rough road for me but even harder right at the moment. He's been calling me all messed up and blaming me for leaving and why things are the way they are. he's on his high horse right now and is blaming me for everything and acting as though he's the better person here and to "just get on with me life". I guess i need to learn a lot more because i've always taken it all very personally. He also is bipolar and has a sexual addiction which makes things a million times harder.
My grandfather was an alcoholic, i grew up with my step-father who is an alcoholic and i don't talk to anymore and my dad is an alcoholic. None of which i even realized had a problem growing up, never abusive and always took care of me and i had a great family life for the most part. They were the kind to sneak it when no one was looking usually every night after work. Recently my step-mom was about to get a divorce and my dad ended up in the hospital with chest pains. At that time he decided he wanted to be sober and also hearing my stories of my ex helped with that. He has been sober for over 2 months now and i'm very proud of him. He's very active with the meetings and talks to his sponsor almost every day and loves being sober- completely different than what i experienced with my ex. Thanks again for being there for me, i'm really looking forward to being a part of the al-anon groups. At this point i really need them! I feel a lot times like i don't even want to go on with my life and what's the point and my life isn't that bad! I'm tired of having to put on a front to get by day by day and not let anyone see how destroyed i am in the inside. Atleast i can get it all out here, it does feel good.
What a difference in your postings in just a day. I am so proud of you for taking what people shared with you to heart. It takes a very opened minded person to do that. You got just a sampling of what Al-anon can do for you. I know, for me, it started with just finding out I wasn't alone, and I wasn't crazy. Come share what ever you need to, when ever you need to. We all learn from each other.
Welcome and someday you will be the one offering kindness and hope to another "new member"
Sometimes a geographic does help. I moved out from the ex more than a year ago now. I am happier now than I ever was with him. There was a long period of grieving for me. I felt responsible for him most of the time. Now I don't. Turning it over and detaching is an art. You can learn how to do that if you want to.
Welcome! I read your post a few times. I see you have made some very good decisions.
My old same-o is...becuz I am very emotional... Of course you love him and no you are not crazy! You will learn addiction is a disease. Would you love him less if he had cancer?
But we do not have to put up with it or live with it. Most really mean it when they go to rehab etc. But sadly the addiction problem is very difficult and encompasses so many different symptoms.
As well as anyone can love another, I am sure he does love you. Really has nothing to do with that! My sweet AH has been gone years, totally messed up, but I know he loves me and I love him. I will not live with him or watch the disease kill him anymore.
Welcome to MIP! Glad you are going to a meeting. When I first came to Al-anon I was fed up too. I realized that addiction is a disease which we can not control. The first step. And it dosen't mean I love my A any less I love him dearly that's why it hurts to see him hurting himself with addictions. But here in al-anon we put the focus on ourselves and we start to focus on our recovery and taking care of ourselves. Good luck! keep coming back.
