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Hello all, I havent spoken to abf for a couple of days. Not since our last conversation where I came out and directly stated how I felt about the things he was asking of me. I believe I mentioned that he didnt seem too happy. Apparently, I was right on the money. He spoke w/his mom during a conference call with his counselor as well and told her that he was not going to call me again until he heard from ME that I wanted him to call, because he "just wasnt feeling it" from me. When his mom called me, immediately after the call ended, I almost laughed. According to her, she reminded him that of course I loved him, that if I didnt, she would be talking to him with bars between them and that I tell her that I love him...I do...but that I, too am walking a fine line here, etc. and that if I really wanted him gone I would have already called her to tell her to come pick up his stuff...something that I HAVE been contemplating. I dont put all that much stock into what she relays to me as I have seen first hand how she talks out of both sides of her mouth. I did call the facility and left a message for him that I loved him and that I had no problems with his calling. He hasnt called...apparently, I must be being punished..ha ha..just another manipulation on his part I guess. I just keep thinking to myself that he really isnt getting it....hes still nowhere near where he needs to be and that since he is almost halfway done with his program, unless he steps up and begins to focus on the reality of his life, he will never "feel it" from me again. I am working sooo hard to improve myself, and I feel I am doing pretty well and have a great network of support. I believe I am really beginning to see the forest thru the trees and I am more than a little fed up and tired of these kinds of games. I lived with them while he was here, and now, he is playing them again from there. I guess he doesnt realize that the only real loser in this game will be him. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Good luck to you! I know from experience how tough it is to set boundaries, and how easily the A can manipulate them so I know the strength you show in your post is hard-fought for!
I'll keep praying for you, too, because it sounds like you deserve the awesome life you are trying to live. Hopefully you will find your heart gets stronger every day, able to love AND detach...it's a fine art.
The stronger you get, the more he might try to break you down. It seems like you are starting to protect yourself from that. Now is such a wonderful time for you to figure out what you need. I had a problem with telling the difference between what I wanted, and what I needed. They are such different things, and sometimes I found what I wanted was the exact opposite from what I needed. I realized , for me, relationships need more than "love". It needs trust, respect and common goals. I know now that I cannot trust an active A, nor can I respect a person who uses minipulation to get what he wants. We are working on it. I will no longer try to be his "warden", trying to make him see the light. It is up to him to figure out what he needs, and how to go about getting it. If he never figures it out, or he figures it out too late,,,,,, it is his problem, and his loss. Take this time for YOU.
(((LJ))) It sounds like you are focusing on yourself and taking care of you. Setting boundaries is hard to do and so is sticking with them. I'm fairly new to the program but I figure for the most part my A is sticking to the boundaries I set. Progress not perfection. We can only do our best and it sounds like you are doing yours. Keep it up!
I don't know that they are 'games' as such. I don't feel the active A has much choice about his or her actions until they admit defeat and for some of them that is indeed death.
I know I had a very high tolerance for the A's acting out. I come from a a very very dysfunctional crazy family. I also had abandonment issues. The A could communicate very well through others, he always had others to take care of him, enable him, take drugs with him. I always felt alone. Now I am entirely alone and I no longer feel entirely alone.
I'm glad you are finding the way through the program. I was totally enmeshed wiith the A I was with.
