The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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It's been a while since I last posted or replied to other posts - my apologies - I got the blue screen of death on my personal computer and it has taken me quite a while to get it working again. I'm so happy I finally got it working!
Overall, I would say that the last few months for me have been strong steps forward in my recovery. But not without a few giant steps backwards as well
My AH agreed to leave due to continued drinking and at my request. His disease has a strong grip and I needed to do the right thing for my 16 y.o. son and I. He had been gone for just 3 weeks, and those weeks were tough, but I believed that I was doing the right thing. I had a strong sense from my HP that it was "time". During the 3 weeks, AH spiraled further out of control, he was thrown out of every hotel in town and ended up sleeping on an air mattress in an empty house we are renovating. It took all of my self control not to just ask him to come home and let him at least sleep in a warm bed (codependent behavior resisted!) I even sought out an apartment for myself and son to move to so that AH could not keep coming back to disturb our piece - just to see if I could manage it.
Unfortunately, AH was injured again due to a seizure and broken jaw (now wired shut - not sure what HP is telling us AH is back in our home, drinking and very much in the "grip". I believe now that I need to move out, but our finances are not so good due to a nerver-ending house project (with little prospects of a sale), thousands of dollars in medical bills (even with insurance) and years of financial mismanagement on both our parts....I feel like I'm doing the humane thing with his medical condition, but I also feel that I'm doing the wrong thing for myself and our son.....
I tell myself that as soon as the renovation is done, I'll put it on the market and hope that HP helps with a buyer or I'll rent it out and then use the money to move out myself. I just wonder if I"m using finances as an excuse? Heck, I'm in so much debt now, what's a little more?
With so much "stuff" spinning in my brain, I know I need to be still so I can listen to HP. Any ESH is appreciated.
I think you summed it up in your subject progress not perfection. You are doing the best you can. Listen to your HP and do what you feel is best for you and your son.
this sounds familiar. Don't beat yourself up for letting finances keep you there-- you have to survive too. I think my financial issues have made me put the breaks on making rash decisions-- i do baby steps instead. But do you know what? I am still heading for the door, maybe not as quickly as i would like but it will happen (God willing) I have a 16 yr old son and a 12 yr old daughter. I feel your pain honey!
JEanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I to know what you are saying. My A is Sober Three Months but still making me think about hitting the door and leaving with are 15 y o daughter. But money is why I have not, and the small hope that he maybe tring to fixes the mess we have made of are life, living in the diesase of alcohol.
Tough call, they are able to always drink, even with the jaw wired shut, it never fails to amaze me, my ex-A's blood sugar is gone through the roof and he is assuredly diabetic now, does he give up booze no, though he has given up all sweets! go figure
I can totally relate to your situation. Finances keep me in my home and what I believe to be compassion (but could easily be denial) keeps me from throwing my A out. I simply don't have the heart to do it, even though when he's out of the house for a few days the rest of us get some much needed peace. Even when he's not being unpleasant, there's still an undercurrent of tension when he's home and drinking.
I know that if he gets out of line, I can always load up the kids and get a hotel for the night - have done it once before when things spiralled out of control (lots of yelling, threats and gnashing of teeth). So for now, that's my plan B. Maybe later, it will change, but at least I know I can do it if I need to and that gives me some comfort.
In the meantime, I have started expanding my comfort zone a little to focus on myself and take care of my needs more. I started working out 2 months ago and have lost nearly 15 pounds (yahoo!), I go get my hair done or get a pedicure when I need one. I now read whatever and whenever the heck I want to, I go to my kids' school and scouting events and participate in their lives as much as I can. Of course, he is welcome to participate in the kids' events whenever he chooses, but that doesn't happen much any more. I don't argue with his "reasons" for not going. I just say OK and go about my business. I'm learning to detach more and more.
I don't have any hope that my AH will seek recovery, but I can't worry about that. I have my hands full with my own recovery. And like you said in your topic - it's all about progress, not perfection. That's something I have to keep in mind all the time - to me it means cutting myself a little bit of slack whenever I get too mired down into the "what ifs" and "coulda, shoulda, wouldas".
Take care of yourself - sounds like you have indeed made great strides in your own program. Good job!
