The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A (also an N) is my sister. There are other A's in my family but this one is the topic of this post. She has been sober for around 15 years but many of her behaviors remained, which is common with sober A's.
I need to first say that I have a mental disorder and a mood disorder, and because the family has, for many years, fought with me or with each other around me, the environment was harmful and I chose to distance myself because they refused to seek family therapy.
The situation now is, my sister has been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced but still operable. The first few weeks were okay and my help in fundraising for the family seemed welcomed, but after I asked if I could see her MRI's, she turned on me and said in no uncertain (but more derogatory) terms I am to butt out of it all. Because I have not heard from anyone else in the family about what's going on, I assume that they feel the same way; I haven't been around all these years so why am I suddenly involved. I'm dealing now not only with the shock of my sister's diagnosis, which would shock even a normal family, but now the hurt and family rejection all too familiar to me - and probably the largest reason I developed a mood disorder. I've had 25 years of the family always telling me I"m stupid. Who wants to hang with people who call you an idiot all the time? Anyway, I don't pass the blame to them for my disorder but they are one of the reason. Know what I mean? It doesn't change the fact that we are all still family and we can pull together in a major crisis such as cancer. Not to me anyway.
So my question to all of you is, if you've distanced yourself in the interest of self-defense, and then someone gets a severe diagnosis, Do you stay involved whether he or she likes it or not, or do you butt out like they ask? What do you do with the rejection other than debate suicide? What do I do if we are never able to make peace, and then she dies on the table? Where do cancer families go for support? I've found a lot of stuff for patients but not a lot for family members.
aha family , well our slogan Let it begin with me . would fit here , if u choose to have a relationship with your sister , continue to call and see how she is doing , keep it light , at least if u call and visit her when and if anything serious happens u will know in yur heart that u continued the relationship . As for support for yourself , if u have a cancer clinic near you ,they offer support for family members , it is free and available for all .
I have been in treatment for cancer going on two years. It is, indeed, frightening and difficult for everyone in the family. There are support groups for family; check with local cancer association, with acquaintances, with community resources. You will find one.
As for your own role: Keeping in touch when you are asked to "butt out" is difficult. Perhaps a periodic phone call would be accepted or cards, e-mail...just to let her and rest of the family that you haven't given up but aren't pushing. If you have a spiritual connection through church or group, I am sure you can ask for support and you will get that. You have reached out on this site and believe me, you will be accepted and supported here.
I hope you will get some peace of mind in this. Cancer is treatable; my team of doctors never use the word "cure". They say "we now LIVE with cancer" just as one must live with diabetes and other diseases. It isn't easy to believe since cancer has always been considered the "worst" disease. But great advancements have been made and continue to be made each day.
Blessings and prayers for you, your sister, and your family.
Keep coming back to these message boards and sharing. I've only been here a week and everyone here is really kind and supportive. I would say you can go online. They have a support group for just about everything this day and age. And as someone mentioned check with a cancer hospital I'm sure you can find free support there or a church if you belong to one might have something. Try to stay in contact with your sister. Unless your sister is the one that tells you to leave her alone I would keep trying. Like others said send a card or an e-mail. Good luck!
