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Well, its been well over a month since Ive spoken with my ex A b/f. Once in a while I receive an email from him.Kinda sappy emails but I dont let it get to me.Ive stayed strong and havent given into my desire to call him.
My dilemma is this:Any day now he should be starting his jail sentence. Although he deserves to spend time in jail for his actions, I dont know if I should contact him to give him support (although Id like to rip into him) or just let him go about HIS business since this isnt directly associated with me.
My heart says to make the call.My conscience says let it go.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Why would you call? What is your motivation? To support him? Why do you believe your support will be helpful to him? Obviously he still has feelings for you, but you have moved on with a new man, so, even in a friendship capasity, which is hard to be with an active A, what do you hope to accomplish with one more call?
These are the hard questions that my sponser has asked me when my caretaking, loving, human, friendly, adult, polite, good girl side wants to take over and get in touch, help, reach out, support those I love or care about.
Most of the time, my motivation was not pure. I was not reaching out for the sake of the other person (if I had them in mind I would not make contact because it was like picking a scab for them)I was reaching out for selfish reasons the least of which is to get a drama fix. I had to taper off my drama addiction.
When I was looking the other way, so much stuff passed me by. The love of a good man, the kids childhood, friends who cared. I was so focused on the A....
Well I don't doubt he will continue communicating from jail. It sounds like he counts on you being there regardless of what you want. Toby Rice Drew (who is the author of Getting them Sober) has some very interesting things to say about offering support. She actually thinks it is a good idea to take a break.
You may have a lot to focus on in dealing with your own issues too.
If you haven't contacted him this far then I would not contact him with him being in jail. I understand you want to give him support but it's his addictions that got him there. Plus, you will just get sucked back into his drama. If you don't want a relationship with him then I would not allow him to stay in your life.
Taking a break from him physically (and mentally as best I can at this point) has been the best thing I could have ever done. Its so amazing how a 'normal' relationship progresses when you are involved with someone that isnt an addict or alcoholic. I didnt see all the negatives when I was actively involved with my A. Guess I had blinders on. Now that I've been apart from him for so long, I see what a pleasure it is being in a relationship with someone without a drug or alcohol addiction.
Just because we are not dating any longer, my feelings can't just go away. It isnt often I let someone into my heart as I did him. Although I am not in love with him anymore, I guess I still love him as a friend (from a distance until I am strong enough to go any closer--if and when I decide to).
I guess thats why I wanted to call him and I guess wish him luck, tell him to behave and stay strong while he's in jail. Who knows, maybe it was a bad thought that came into my head.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
hi, my experience was, and I had thought I was completely done, no more pain etc.
I visited him in jail to get papers signed PERIOD.
My ignorance of how his sobriety in there and his really trying to get back his recovery, he sent me love letters, was sober and very loving and real like he was when i married him. told me we had been thru worse than this.
Then he got out and caused a HORRIBLE bunch of pain for me and him.
I wish I had never ever seen or spoke to him.
so in saying that, that is my experience my friend.
He is my Ah. Like setting cheesecake and or watermelon in front of me and saying you can have one bite now and so much more later.
well bad analogy but the same idea. I do not want to be teased or tempted ever ever again.
You know your heart hon. Treat it lovingly. debilyn
If I were you I would channel all that "support" and love and care and good intentions off to HP and let HP deliver that to him airmail. Pray for him! Channel it to him in a spiritual way. Let go and let god take care of this situation. Hugs, J.
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