The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you don't mind, I'd just like to "blah" a little and if something strikes you to respond, I always appreciate it. Some of the wisest people I know visit this site!!
Brief background, my Ah and I have been married 7 years, we have a 4 yr old son. We've struggled for many years, we've been desperately unhappy for the past 2 years. We've had separations in the past and have recently separated again, as of last Friday when I caught my Ah driving while intoxicated with our son. I think this was the first time, though just cause he says that doesn't mean it's the truth!
I am feeling good about this at this point. Almost like a weight has been lifted from me. I mean, I am sad and I have worries about if I will have the strength and good sense to get my son through this in the best way possible. But I feel good that I am not forcing and trying to work things out with a man whom is totally emotionally unavailable.
Someone posted that "asking an A for emotional support is like going to the Hardware Store for bread" Amen...I've been going to the Hardware store for bread for years. I've searched and searched all the aisles up and down. No bread. I've asked them to order some in... no bread. I've complained to the manager and filed a written complaint with Head Office...still no bread... well, you get the picture.
I've done things this past weekend and mon. and tues. that I've been putting off doing for a long time. I wanted to keep myself busy and active and fake it til I make it!! Otherwise I'd have sulked pouted, worried and dragged myself to the depths of convincing myself I was wrong, and that I was looking at this through the wrong perspective and I'd go against every intuition and instinct I have, by contacting my Ah and asking him to come home, with a desperate wish and hope that this time would be different. Well instead of all that, I went to the pumpkin patch, went skating on Sunday, went to Church, and went to the gym tonight for the first time in months!!!
I seem to have a newer outlook on my life. The girls at work are planning a night out and for the first time in a long time, I've asked to join them and they graciously and enthusiastically included me! I'm excited about it!
AS for my Ah and I, I find that as long as I am short and to the point with my Ah about boundaries and visitation (which I've demanded be before school only at this point) then I am okay. But when I start being engaged in "talk" with Ah, thats when my blood boils and I start to get the "tone" going on and start engaging in nonsensical conversation.
Today, my Ah told me he is going to stay at the campground in our travel trailer for now. He is very casual and lighthearted and he tells me he spoke to the owner (whom is also an A and has been on a bender for the last 2 wks, causing huge upset and drama to his family) and that the owner says that's fine, they worked out a deal, etc. I said, "oh" Then my Ah continues to say, "yah {owner} is doing good now. He and his wife have sorted things out." Again, I say, "oh..uh huh" or something. Then my Ah says, "yah, well mostly the problems have come from {the wifes young adult daughter}, I guess she's really hard to deal with." my jaw clenches, my belly rumbles and I say ... , "or it might be because {owner} is an alcoholic and has been on a bender for 2 weeks and ditched his truck and that his family can't rely on him for anything other than to disappoint them. But if you feel more comfortable with blaming it on the step-daugher, well OKAY!!!!!"
And then I get very disappointed in myself. I said to my Ah, "I get very offended when people cause so much choas and then blame it on others" Then the subject was changed.
I feel your pain! Sometimes it's hard to keep it in. Keep doing things for yourself, it helps so much to occupy your mind with something else. I asked my AH to move out yesterday and today I converted my toddlers bed to a daybed which he'd been saying he'd do for 2 weeks now. It felt so good to actually see a physical change happen before my eyes!
As for going to the hardware store for bread... I think we drive ourselves crazy going back again and again. I had forgotten how emotionally unavailable they are until you just said that. Back when I was about 15 years old, my AH and I were dating and when I went to him with my teenage angst he turned me away because even at that point, he knew he could not give me a shoulder to lean on. That was almost 20 years ago. I'm not sure why I think that one day he'll change, but I still have hope that a miracle will happen!
this sounds so much like the A I lived with. Of course the denial is very hard to deal with. Detachment takes a lot of work to get going.
I am so glad you are protecting your family. I drove around with the A's crazy driivng for years. I had no ability to protect myself. Now I do. For me it was a long time coming.
Basically for me now I have a very low expectation of anyone who is dysfunctional.
I can relate to the denial part. My A Fiance is in denial about his problems. Sometimes he says he wants to change but then he will say when he get's home (he is currently in prison because of his addictions) That he will continue to drink and smoke weed and that he is leaving all his old friends except for 3 that still drink and do drugs. Plus, he wants me to spend time with his friends but if they will be drinking and using I'm setting a boundry with that. Really it's about detaching with love and setting boundaries. I've already started to do that with my fiance. It's about putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. I'm new to al-anon but those are some important things I've already learned.
I enjoyed your share, and it certainly brought back some memories for me.... My wife drove intoxicated with my precious kids more than once, and I inexplicably "allowed" her to do it more than once..... It's amazing what our emotions and circumstances will allow us to accept as "acceptable behavior", and to believe the empty promises of someone who has lied to us so many times before.... I also remember talking to a counselor about this, as I was really 'beating myself about it', because I was the sane one, and he asked "who says you were sane?". For me, it was an "aha" moment, and I started finally accepting that her alcoholism had made ME sick too....
As for the other stuff, the rebuttals to your A about him projecting, or mis-targeting blame, etc..... I think.... it all boils down to your recovery and growth..... If you KNOW it doesn't do you any good and you feel guilty afterwards, then document that, and learn from it..... That being said, we have ALL done it, as we really DO want our A's to understand the consequences of their behaviors, even if they don't yet have a clue! Does it do us any good? - Probably not. I prefer to use the old saying that "you did the best you could with what you knew at the time".
Be easy on you.... it's not a straight line recovery, and we all have our "slips" once in awhile.... Think of the analogy of a brick wall, or the weather..... When you want to "teach" your A about the consequences of his actions, consider how much you can "teach" a brick wall about things..... or think about how much you can "control" the weather..... Those two helped me...
His recovery is just that - HIS. It likely won't be on your timeline, and who knows - it might never happen.
Your recovery is the only thing you can work on....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
