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As some of you may know I am new to alanon & this forum, but am sure glad it's been here. Here's my dilemma: I had to have my A boyfriend arrested last night, as he went from happy and calm to crazy & raged . . . like flipping a light switch on and off (yes he was drunk). He is being released this afternoon & is allowed to come home, although there will be discussion on where he will be going because he cannot stay with my son & I anymore. He just got laid off last week & was planning on going to another state to look for work this Friday. I dont know what the judge has told him yet (victims services will call me later with that info), all I know is that he'll be released this afternoon. We are living together & we are both on the lease, which is something I will have to deal with too. He has done this before, but its not a regular thing & Ive never called the police before.I cannot kick anyone when their down (which is both a blessing & a curse), and am willing to give him the week to figure something out, as I do love him & want to see him get better (with or without me) . . . I just cannot allow it to be at my teenage sons & my expense anymore.
My question is . . . do I go down there to pick him up when he's scheduled to be released or wait to see when/if he calls me for a ride. And if so, then do I pick him up? I just want to do what's right.
This is not a perfect program and a program of change and progress. For me I learned not to "relapse" into my old thoughts and behaviors and in the interim to follow the suggestions of "One step at a time". How that came out was I let her make her own decisions and if and when she reached out for me for help (which was different because I was always into controlling) I then took some time to think about it and say that I would think about it before responding rather than reacting to the situation from knee jerkism. I slowed way down. I practiced saying that "one word, two letter sentence" I wasn't experienced with..."No". You have, as I read it, an opportunity to let go and let god and to offer your alcoholic an opportunity to grow out of dependency. While he is making the decision and behavior to take care of his needs you can "love him anyway". Time to practice something new heh?
Keep coming back and gratitude for your trusting the family. (((((hugs)))))
In my experiences with the exact same situation, only it was my husband not a boyfriend, I had to face the same awful decisions... do I or don't I. No one can tell you what is right for you. This program is a wonderful support system, and it has opened my eyes to so many things about MY reactions and MY behaviors that played a part in the roller coaster of my life. I found if I looked deep within myself, and thought about my choices, I truly knew what was BEST for me and my situation simply by listing to my "inner voice" - or "gut reaction". You need to look at the whole picture and do what is best for you and your child. Take it one step at a time. Hugs...
The answer to that question, is do what you want to. I know that sounds like a non-answer. But none of us are in your shoes. If you want to go pick him up, then do so. If not, he's a big boy he can find his own way home. The first and most important thing is the safety of you and your child. All the rest comes later.
Boundaries do not good if you are not prepared to enforce them. Actions have consequences, for both adults and children. It's like grounding a child. Sending them to thier bedroom where they have TV,DVD, phone, etc is like grounding me to a chocolate factory. Oh yeah, go ahead force me to stay in a place where there's chocolate! Do you see what I am saying? Rough life.
I understand not wanting to kick him out because you care about him. I didn't want to kick my AH out but I had to. I could no longer take the chaos that was going on. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I loved him more than life itself. But I had to do it. It was the best thing for both of us. Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Allow him the dignity of making his choices and living with the consequences regardless if they are good or bad. He's an adult. But please, please be safe. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You are all right & I know in my mind that I need to do what my gut says, but my stupid heart always gets in the way. I did pick him up and on the way home we agreed that we need to talk; however, when we got home he went into the bedroom, closed the door & started texting to his brother (and drinking partner) & his daughter. I walked in about an hour later & asked if we were going to talk & he said that he's talking to his daughter now. So I closed the door & went out to water my garden. Now I think he's asleep. Which, I guess I would want to do too after spending the night in jail. Then on the other hand I feel like I've been shunned. I guess it's selfish for me to feel like I should be the one person he should be talking to right now. I really don't know what to feel. All I know is that I feel hurt, betrayed, abandonded and unwanted . . . among other feelings that I really can't even identify. So, now I'm just sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do or where to go next!
I appreciate all the ears (or eyes in this case) that are there to listen to me vent. Somehow that in itself helps too.
OUr insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting that they will work out diff this time , and they do-they get worse . What u decide to do is your choice no one can make this decission for you nor should they .
Well . . . after I posted that last message last night, guess what I did?!?! I left him there & I went to an alanon meeting & guess what!!! IT HELPED!!! I felt much better . . . of course I still had to go back home & deal with it, but I was in a much better frame of mind to do it in. That was my 2nd alanon f2f.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or even later today, but for now I'm going to get through work & try to . . . no not "try" . . . I'm GOING TO let God sort it out.
Thank you to all! I'm really glad you are are here!!
Wow!! That is all I can respond with everytime it happens and it happens alot. Great decision and courage and great consequence. Such an opposite post to what you posted first. I want some of that too. That is why I keep coming back and following suggestions and examples.
I've definitely been there and back in that hell. I feel for you. I also didn't want to kick the A when he was down. For whatever reason he did spiral down.
We went back and forth for a long long time.
In theory he should have a restraining order and that is one option for you. Clearly if someone is violent the choices are very limited. The A who I was with loved to make scenes, if he wasn't acting out one way he did the next.
I'm glad you are leaning hard on the program. That is one way to go.
Know that many of us have been there and dealt with this. There are no easy answers.
I think it's great you went to a meeting and have surrenderd the situation to your higher power. Just remember you need to do what's best for you and your son first and foremost. And if I might add it seems pretty ungrateful that you picked him up and he went to his room to talk to other people. I mean I would be upset too. But, it's good you left and took some time. I know you will be ok.
Maresie . . I know about the legal options I have available, but I really hope I don't have to utilize them. He knows he cannot stay anymore, and is supposed to be looking for a sober living house or something to that effect. He has contacted his AA sponsor & I am hopeful, as I always will be, but I still feel like I have to have my guard up.
Christina . . Yes, I was a little ticked at him for not talking to ME. But there's nothing I can do about that.
I went to another f2f last night. That was my 4th meeting & 3 of them since Monday! I'm going to keep going too. But you guys help me throughout the day to remember not to focus on my A & focus on me! I'm learning!!!
Do you see what I am saying? Rough life. 