The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I have issues surrounding my Mother in law who is possibly an addict, not sure yet. But she will do anything to suck us into her life. She has begun this thing of giving us gifts on a monthly basis. I don't want the gifts because anything she does for us comes with too many strings attached. She always has a motive and it's not "for fun and for free". My question is... How do I keep my side of the street clean without promoting her to keep giving. I would like to say don't give us anything at all but I don't know if that's right or even how to say it. My gut feeling is telling me that eventually she will stop giving me gifts when she realizes she isn't getting the response she wants. Any suggestions?
I think you have a good idea to just accept graciously and when she gets that you will not do things just because of a bribe, she will stop giving. A gift given with strings attached is no gift at all.
I guess I want to ask you how does your husband feel? It is his mother. From my experience it is always better, no matter what, to stay neutral about someone's mom.
I had the mil from hades I mean it. yikes, ick, anyway I was always polite, caring never ever put her down to my husband.
He learned for himself how she was when she was caught listening in on our conversation. I was telling him how I wished she could live with us and was respectfull and meant it. she is nuts..haha that did not end well for her.
Anyway it feels good to give. I was taught one time to learn to accept from people. period.
Part of alanon that really helped me is we can only control ourselves.
so in saying that. I would accept the gifts graciously then not play into any stuff she may do, put a boundary there.
We don't know really what makes her do it. So for me, again I would not put any energy in it. Not make it any bigger than it is.
Hope this helps. I had to learn to be neutral about the MIL and boy did it pay off!!!
If it were me I would just accept the gift with thanks , as long as u stay aware that she has motives and don't get involved in the game . No point in discussing this with hubby she is after all his mother and belive me , blood is thicker than water . hehe Just know your own truth and accept who she is . cant change her anyway . enjoy !
Thank you. This was really helpful. I use to say things to my husband about her but I don't anymore. I have noticed in the last six months since I have shut my mouth completely and got out of the way, he is seeing things for himself. I use to be the insane crazy one before I started really working the program and she looked like the normal one. My husband would see me out of control. Now, I don't get into it anymore. I try one day at a time to love her and accept her just as she is. My husband is now beginning to question her behavior and he sees her out of control. I see how the program works now. It's about me and my behavior. No one else's. I was insane and out of control before the help of Al-anon.
It is so supportive to my program when another member get's their vision of reality back and I am glad you shared that you now can see. That still gives me hope that this program works when I work it without all of the doubt and second guessing. It is also very very supportive to be reminded to "reach out for help and feedback" from other members. That is what saved my life. To have so many experiences fed back to me that I could try in my program of recovery was and is the key...humility and courage.
When I also learned that I wasn't soooo special needing special specific care I learned to listen to it all with an open mind and I found myself standing in the middle of a spiritual gold mine. Thanks for your share and support.
My mother gives gifts and money. There are always strings. Spend it on what I want you to spend it on. Be there for me when I want you to be there. Do what I want you to do. And like me. So I accept most and say no to some.
The ex A's mother was an addict/alcholic. I spent a lot of time sucked into her. I put a lot of limits on the time I would spend around her. Basically the best skill is detachment. De-tachment actually takes a lot of practice. Put a lid on the obessing. Set limits, practice limits, set new limits. No one is perfect, you will fall back a lot but in time you'll get those boundaries up and operating.
My aunt is not an A. But she souds the exact same way. she will give my presents or money or do something good for me and my family but she always wants something in return. I would say set boundaries of what you will and will not accept of her behavior. Today I stood up for my self and my family when my aunt was trying to control our financial situation and I just simply told her we would take care of it and that was the end of it. She said well if you need help let me know. So we will see.
