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My AH is just getting started in AA but still drinking some (is that possible?). I had to put our son in day care since AH was drinking and deteriorating quickly and I no longer felt safe with him as caregiver. He knows he can't be a stay at home dad unless he is sober - no alcohol and I won't give him a timeframe (ie. 90 days, 1 year...).
Here's my concern. He is very up and down and he should probably go to a meeting, but I don't know how to encourage him, or if I even should. I am lost in wanting to detach, yet be supportive of steps towards sobriety.
Drinking and going to AA used to really upset me until someone pointed out that it says in the steps , if there is a desire to stop drinking they qualify and are welcomed, the members at his meeting arent being fooled they will pick up pretty soon that he is still drinking . for me the best way to support the alcoholic is to get our own program Al-Anon we have to stay out of thier face and off thier backs his recovery is up to him , if u attend al anon it may encourage him to become more serious about AA . getting your own prog is a win win situation for you , with or with out him you will be just fine . Your decission to take son to day care was and is a good one above all baby must be safe. You have been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover. Louise
Welcome to the MIP family. My AH use to drink before and after AA meetings. At least he made it to the meetings. I have been to AA meetings where people have shown up who have been drunk. At least they made it to the meeting. That's the point. The BEST thing I learned here, was exactly what Abbyal said: Leave his recovery up to him. Concentrate on yours. That's how you can be loving and supportive. Please keep coming back. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am a member of both programs; Al-Anon and AA. In the "other" program there are many suggestions regarding drinking and recovery. There is also a stated awareness that if you are still drinking you are not in recovery just at a meeting and for those who have drank or are still drinking they are not to share about recovery because they don't know what they are talking about. That's good stuff for me and courageous and honest. I have witnessed many newly recovering alcoholics grow in the program from not picking up the first drink, coming to meetings, sitting "all the way in and all the way down" and listening and following suggestions given to any alcoholic wishing to "get and stay" sober, one day at a time. When I was drunk I didn't hear or understand right. My brain needed to be off of alcohol or I was just passing time. That is one of the physical truths about being under the influence and being under the influence doesn't only mean having drank. Thinking about it and planning it is being under the influence. Having a hangover is about being under the influence. Being affected by the raging compulsion is about being under the influence. By the way being in a meeting of AA is about being under the influence of recovery from alcohol.
Detachment as Al-Anon has taught me is an artform and takes many meetings and work from reading on the subject to listening to others and then practicing what it is that I learned. Detachment at first from me was detatchment with anger and disinterest and then detachment with awareness and compassion, and then detachment with love. Detachment is well worth learning from those who have come before me and know how to life it well. Encouragement for me is the sincere and open support of the good for anyone else regardless of their choices. Just for me.
When I was a newbie I encouraged openly with the thought about what I would get out of it. Detachment erased the "me motives" and I go on with my own life as I want it to come out.
I too have recently had to enroll my 4 yr old son into fulltime daycare for the off days that he's not in school. Normally my Ah would care for him. For a long time I've wondered about the logic in that. Not just because I don't really "trust" my Ah to always be sober, but also because he's reached a point of disinterest/disengagement and disconcern, being so tangled and preoccupied with escaping his realities. For a long time, Ah has not been providing the enriched childhood that our son is entitled to. For a long time I wondered if I should be making other arrangements. For a long time I liked to believe my Ah would never jeopardize our son. For a long time ...
Last Friday, for the first time (that I know of) while Ah was caregiver to our son during the PA Day from school, Ah got drunk and drove around with our son.
Ah has been gone since Friday. This is the straw that broke the Camels back.
Ah says he's done with the drinking. I hope for his sake that's the truth. Ah says he's planning on attending Tuesday AA meetings in our town. I wish him all the best. Ah says he doesn't want to lose us. I am sad for him, that he already has. Ah says he knows I can't trust him right now, so he'll have to prove to me that he can be trusted. He's sure right about that!!!
I had to do the same thing myself when my youngest was 5 - I no longer had any confidence that my AH could adequately take care of him while I was at work.
He is now in 2nd grade and rides the bus to and from school for the very same reason.
I now work from home 99% of the time so that I can ensure that there will be someone to meet his bus in the afternoons. I'm very fortunate that I can do this to ensure his safety and well-being.
