The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The holidays are coming and I am working on making better choices. Last night I was in a store which was full of the Thanksgiving fare. How I craved to have a decent Thanskgiving with the ex. I would always ask him every year to try to make it special, he never ever could of course but I asked! I went full force in the end preparing gourmet meals. I spent weeks and weeks preparing and had no clue all my efforts were falling on an addicts ears. All he was interested in was getting high that was it. Food, celebrating, making anything special were remote to him. Holidays were a time to get high that was his motive plain and simple and that was what he did, no matter how much effort I made, no matter how much I spent, no matter how much I wanted, he chose otherwise. He preferred his buddies and his family where he got to use drugs and I made that choice the central focus of my life - what a waste of time and energy! . That was always his preference. I took 7 years to get to see that. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, even when he was homeless and on the street and had nothing, drugs took priority. No matter what I did he chose them. Now he gets to make his choice and I am no longer there to remonstrate that he should do otherwise.
So now I'm making my choice to have some kind of a holiday don't know what yet but it will be my choice and probably won't involve cooking given my roommates and their problems.
Last year I spent the holidays pretty much feeling pain and feeling very sorry for myself and getting enmeshed (but that's another story). This year there will be no brining the turkey, no preparations, nothing like that no preparing for anyone else but me. I'm going to give myself some time to regroup. I'm not holding out for any invites anywhere or going to "do" something to take the sting out of the fact I'm alone. I am alone and choosing to be that way.
I do have choices though and one of them is not to feel sorry for myself. I made choices too when I was with the A. I made a choice to stay with an addict regardless of how he acted. I stayed. I stayed and I stayed some more even when he was totally destructive to me and hostile 24/7. I stayed through rescuing him, hating him, not understanding him (I still don't but I'm able to let that go!). I stayed until I couldn't stomach it any more and by then there was not much left. Than I stopped so now its time to stop feeling sorry for myself at the holidays which is a pattern I'm in.
So this year I will not be villifying myself for staying. I had my reasons. I made my choice. I am responsible for that part, not his addiciton, just my part, staying with him no matter wha the did and not being able to see his choices till now. I will however not be choosing to feel sorry for myself and will, whatever I do I will be taking care of myself which is something I'm new at and can celebrate in my own way.
Around here the members of the Family Groups usually get together for the Holiday fair and pot luck. We have meetings on holidays that go for 24 hours and the food, great food, is there for inbetween and during meetings. There is where we can get our fill of love, support and great cooking. Check out what your local district is doing for Thanksgiving and go join them. It's fun and fulfilling.
I think it is a good idea to look at al anon options for the holidays. I have to, however, since I tend to put my eggs all in one basket really focus on taking the wheel. If I even think of counting on anyone, anything, any place I get totally lost in obsessing about that. I have to let go of relying on anyone but myself.
I do plan to explore options but at this late date I don't have any yet. I am sure more will be revealed as time goes on. My time however, leading up to the holidays is going to be largely spent on dealing with some medical issues. I am still on pretty low rungs of surival but I am willing to deal with those rungs one step at a time. I have an opening to do some medical stuff and need to take that. I hope God willing to have better Thanksgivings but this one I will move up the survival chain some then I will get to doing a better job of that.
To cook or not to cook. And for whom? I spend Thanksgiving with some family. I miss my AHsober and kids gathered around. But that just isn't going to happen this year. Hmmm, what are my choices?
