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I've gotten to the point where I am indifferent to my ah's drinking. If he wants to throw his life down the tubes, so be it. I'm not going to stop living. In a sense, I think he resents the fact that I'm not sitting around wasting away with him. The more I become independent, the more he tries to hold on tighter.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do have feelings about all of this. I'm sad. I grieve over the fact that he is not the man I married. He has lost his will. He's helpless and hopeless. There's not a thing I can do about it, however. I'm also mad. I'm angry that he chose to start drinking again the day I had surgery and was in the hospital. I can't even count on him to help me when I'm in need. I've always had to be the strong person in our marriage and I'm sick and tired of it.
What a waste of a life. He'll not pull me down with him, however. I'll keep moving forward "trudging the road to happy destiny."
I eventually found out I was a lot stronger than I thought. I can relate to the feelings of indifference as that is how I have long since felt with both ADs.
I had to work on my anger by writing several letters, letters that I never sent, but allowed me to get my feelings, especially the anger, out and right in front of me so I could own them and let them go.
(((((hugs)))))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You know when I look back on my time (the last few months) with the A he did try to pull me down with him. He made up a bunch of lies about moving across the country which were a deliberate attempt to manipulate me. He had other plans all along. He got to complete those plans he got what he wanted but it is never enough for an active A. They seem to be always looking around for ways to continue on their path.
Thank you for your post. I read your post and can pretty much recite verbatim the same thing that is happening in my life. I have the same feelings of indifference towards my qualifier's drinking. I've been up and down so many emotional hills (rollercoaster perhaps?) that it's been much easier for me to keep my sanity by not getting my hopes up. I know your pain and I know what you're going through. I'm hoping by going to f2f meetings I will be able to regain a bit of serenity and genuine love I have for my qualifier. At the very least I look at indifference as my first step toward detachment with love.
aha Indifference I remember it well = cold and lonely place to live . I hope u are attending meetings for yourself , indifference spreads to all parts of your life eventually you dont care about anyone or anything , it is not a nice feeling . I understand it is protection from the pain of watching someone u loved destroying all the dreams u had , but your right u don't have to go down with him . You will learn how to detach with love and respect and get the focus back on you where it belongs . you are after all the only person u can fix. Al-Anon will show u how to do that with or with out him . Louise
I do relate to the feelings of indifference also. There was a time for me when I chose that state of existence and the feedback you got from others is what helped to lead me thru it. Experienced Al-Anons are the spiritually strongest people I have ever met and their willingness to suggest what it is that they walk and know about is invaluable.
One of the things I also learned in my indifference was that I stopped believing in a Power Greater than myself. I became indifferent and had lost hope. I was led out of that also and the words of helpless and hopeless ceased becoming a part of my vocabulary. Your alcoholic is only in that condition as he continues to drink. He also has a power greater than himself and his booze if and when he decides to put the "plug in the jug" and go seek his higher power in daily recovery. Our program has it's tap root in the 12 steps and traditions of AA. It works when they work it and it works when we work it. If and when he gets "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and reaches out to other sober alcoholics in AA, he will also be led out of the fatal spirialing consequences of alcoholism.
As a recovering alcoholic myself I have hope for him. He is included in my daily prayers and meditation and efforts to help others to have what I have.
I know from experience he is not helpless or hopeless. What he first must do is surrender completely and then abandon himself to the HP he surrenders himself to and then do what others have done to get and stay sober one day at a time.
Keep coming back. Detachment with indifference is one step before detachment with compassion which is the last step before detachment before detachment with love.
