The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just going through my emails because I need to cut the size of my mail box down.
This year I have very very little money (less than I had last year). At the same time what I do have which I didn't have last year is no contact at all with the A. No more trying to make some dent in his never ending chaos, no more fear about what he will do next (completed step 3 thank you!) and a view forward.
These holidays are going to be hard for me. I have a tax bill, credit card bills, not much work and I am isolated.
At the same time I am out of the never ending, go no where dealing with the A. I refuse, absolutely totally refuse to deal with him anymore on any level. I have not yet got to the point of what I will do with the junk he has in my storage (I'll deal with that when I have to).
When I let go of the A completely I gave up a lot of the relationships that went along with it, the people who I felt guilty about what he did, the people I obsessed to about him, the people who I allowed to put me down for having a relationship with him, the people who I would go to desperate for some clue about what I should do next. So I have a clean slate, whoever I bring into my life now will have to be functional on some level. I don't doubt I will make mistakes too.
I'm really looking for ways to feel grateful this holidays. One of the things I am grateful for is that I don't feel any guilt at all that I no longer am "there" for the A. I no longer worry about him, think he can't exist without me (he certainly proved that wrong) and I no longer wait with dread for the next thing he'll do. Whatever he does he is responsible for and I go out of my way not to know, rather than scavenge the earth for signs of his existence. The less I know the better for my codependence. I never ever would have imagined that for one second in the past but its certainly worked for me.
I'm certainly not free by any means, I have very very very little, if anything to show for the enormous investment I put into him for 7 plus years. My credit will be ruined for at least 7 years because of the things he did.
Yet this holiday he will certainly not be on my mind and I allowed him to ruin every single holidays I ever had with him, or should I say totally abandoned by him no matter what I did, for the last 8 years.
For that I'm grateful, its not much but it is a beginning.
"For that I'm grateful, its not much but it is a beginning. "
To me, the peace is everything. To feel the peace, is a whole new life for me. When I was still with my AH, I would pray for answers (for a mere 26 years! LOL) When I finally let go of the outcome and he decided to walk out.... I had peace. Of course, not until I surrendered and had acceptance that this was HP's will. It would be a totally different experience if I didn't believe this was how HP was answering my prayer.
Take what you like, Mare.... and I'm glad you posted today, because I need this reminder myself.... Instead of focusing on what I am lacking, I have to remember to stay in the moment. At this moment, I am warm, I have access to this amazing fellowship, the sun is brightening, my adoring pooches are staring at me... it just doesn't get any better than this! I feel joyful when I stay in the present moment, recognizing all the little blessings. Projecting into the future or focusing on the dead past, just doesn't bring the good vibrations that I enjoy by staying right here, in the now. In fact, it seems to stir fear in me. In the moment, I can do the next responsible thing, and that's all I can do. HP can take it from there.
What you focus on, gets bigger, so focus on all the Good, not the lack. Joy escapes me if I compare myself to others, or even to what I once had. (((hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Great growth post...you are growing and someday even the mention of "him" "he" or anything related to him will give way also. What will be going on will be the consequence of Mary's own choices and behaviors. Scarey and exciting because there still will be the "what I am powerless over". Life on life's terms and still you can grow beyond your wildest dreams by practicing this program.
