The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went on vacation with my 2 sisters (The Middle Child and The Baby). I was worried that we would get on each others nerves. I was right. Well the two of them fought and The Middle Child left the vacation early because of it. The Middle Child was drinking and she lashed out at The Baby. She said some really nasty things and it hurt me just to hear her talk that way even though it wasn't directed at me.
While we were on vacation my son turned one. The Middle Child left the day before his birthday and has done nothing to recognize his birthday. That hurts me as well. It wasn't even me she was angry with and he definately didn't do anything to her. She could have said goodbye to him even if she didn't want to say goodbye to us.
Another source of stress for me is my parents. Because of my parents drinking I have not taken my son to see them in 3 months. I talked with my mother about this on the phone once. She cried and said she could not afford the gas money to come visit us (trying to guilt me of course). I live 45 minutes away from them. I wanted my son to see his grandparents for his birthday(the weekend after vacation) so I decided I would take him over to see them even though I didn't think I was ready. They were drinking captain morgans. My mom even made a joke to my son that "everyone knows that grandma and grandpa have to have their morgans". It was so depressing. My mother told me she would not drink around my son anymore but the other night it was like she was flaunting it. I could feel that she was hurt and angry. I am not responsible for her feelings though. I have to do right by my child.
I thought it was so typical that she was trying to guilt me about gas money when she has money to buy booze. I am so done with worrying about what they are feeling. That visit sucked but it was good because it clarified everything that I was feeling confused about. I don't allow my in-laws to smoke around him and I'm not exposing him to active A's.
I have focused mostly on protecting my son but this is for me just as much as it is for him. I guess its just easier for me to stand up for him than it is to stand up for myself. I'm working on it though.
I don't think my parents will ever get better. I fear that The Middle Child is headed down the same path. I haven't talked to her since she left and I'm not sure yet what I want to say to her. I want to save her. Even though I know logically that I can't save her I still want to try.
On a selfish note: I asked the family for clothes for my son cause he has lots of toys and he needs clothes for winter but no one got him any clothes.
My family was/is pretty dysfunctional too -- everyone with their own issues. After doing my Step 4 inventory, I realized that I too contributed to the chaos of the family dynamics.
They say "if it's hysterical, it will be historical." Ugh, I can't tell you how much history was memorable due to the hysterics during family gatherings.
Now to today . . . with me working my program and my sister is in program too, we act differently from what we used to and that definitely makes a difference in the family dynamics because we aren't always doing what we've always done.
Each of our programs are attractive to each other and my family responds very differently to us now. Now we just enjoy each other. We use all of the tools of Alanon when the stress increases and there is rarely any histrionics now.
Keep the focus on you, keep working your program, it's attractive to others if you work it and you are worth it, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Sounds very tough. I have no relationship with my sisters at the moment. I don't know that I'll be able to have one without being really triggered.
I also personally dont think it is selfish to ask for what we want. I asked the A i was with for years for Christmas/Thanksgiving. I never got one. He loved the fact that I felt so dependent on him and wanted him to give to me. He did not. I did not take action on it though, not until now.
Boundaries are tough. They take a lot of practice.
