The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am writing as a new member and would love to read any thoughts/ideas from anyone with similar experiences.
My husband is an alcoholic -- a periodic binge drinker--and has been this way for as long as I have known him. We have been married for nine years and have two children ages 5 and 7. My AH's father is a recovering alcoholic (sober for 31 years and his uncle and grandfather were alcoholics--both are dead). On top of that, my AH's mother suffers from schizophrenia and was hospitalized for two years while he was growing up. My husband and his sister coped by becoming over-achievers --going to ivy league college, then top law school and now working at a top-tier law firm. My husband has been in therapy for three years now, takes Paxil and quit drinking a year and a half ago for 9 months. He is now drinking again to numb his stress and anxiety -- he is up for partner in two weeks. This is a law firm that only makes 2 or so partners every year, and he's been told that his chances are 50-50.
I have struggled with his binge drinking for years. I saw the red flags before we got married, but thought that once we got through that particular stressful period, things would improve. For example, he would go for several months in law school not drinking at all. Then he would take his exams. After exams, we would stress about his scores and binge drink for the entire Christmas break. He would get his scores back--which were always superior--and then would be okay again. The summer we got married he worked for a top law firm, studied for the Bar exam, and we had our wedding. Needless to say, he was drinking heavily then and I came close to calling off the wedding. Basically, it seems there is always some major stress in his life to which he points as the cause for his need to drink.
About two years ago, I finally opened up to my family and close friends about his drinking. I was at my wits end and almost had a breakdown. It was after that that my AH stopped drinking for nine months. He started drinking again but slowly and seemed to have it "under control". Then as we got closer to this partnership decision, he began to go out more --sometimes until 3 am--coming home completely bombed. I have cried and cried about this, threatened to have him move out and now I am just silent. He claims that he can stop again but that this is a unique time for him and he is just hard-wired this way. He thinks that anyone who is an over-achiever has an achilles heel. I don't disagree but why should I have to live with the achilles heel. Sometimes I feel like his behavior is childish and some of his drinking is "acting out". BTW, he tried AA a couple of years ago and felt completely out of place -- was there with people who drank for days on end, etc. -- felt he really didn't fall into that category. Also my husband acknowledges that he has a problem. And he is a very devoted father and husband.
I could go on and on (and I have!). But I just wanted to share and hopefully find a little strength from this group.
So glad you found us and posted. You have definately come to the right place.
Please read the board here and we also have a chat room available, the link to it is in the upper left of the page, where we have meetings twice a day and open chat the rest of the time.
I would also like to suggest that you try finding a local Al-anon meeting you could attend in person if you have not already....you will meet caring, understanding people there that can give you so much information and love.
Welcome Henny.... your story is eerily familiar, and one could literally "substitute names" and it would be applicable to many of us.... Your husband's experience with AA is identical to my A-ex-wife's, where she originally didn't want to go to AA because "those people are stuck, and are REAL alcoholics".... hehe.... it's almost humorous, if it wasn't so serious.... Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so it is highly unlikely that your hubby will be able to "manage" his alcoholism by simply trying harder.....
I'd encourage you to get yourself a program of recovery - find Al-Anon meetings in your area, read the "Getting Them Sober" books, particularly volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There are many AA meetings and it is possible to find a group that your husband can relate to. In addition there are specialised addiction counselors who can work with him.
The program for you is Al anon. I can't emphasize enough how this can help.
I too was a "basket case" at certain points completely unable to function. Now I have a life.
I do hope you will stop being hard on yourself.
I think the literature around codpendency is enormously helpful, any of it can help. Melody Beattie is a great resource. Toby Rice Drew is an incredible resource please think about getting them sober.
but most of all welcome. This group can help save your life. They have a chat room and meetings. I am here dailiy and cannot live without the support, love, care and encouragement of members. I am so glad you found this wonderful resource. Maresie.
(((Henny))) You received good suggestions above from members with years in Al-Anon. If I could offer one more. Type in a word of phrase at the top of the page under search that you would like to learn more about and read prior post. (binge drinker etc.) That might be a quick way to get some good ESP (Experience, Strength, and Hope) about the Al-Anon program. I'm glad you are here. Welcome.
Your story is my story. This is one reason I come to al-anon because in this fellowship, I am not alone.
My A is also very successful and this made it very hard for ME to believe he had a problem. I went back and forth into denial even after I began going to al-anon meetings.
The best thing I ever did for myself was finding al-anon face-to-face meetings. At first, I went to one a week and at times, I've made 7. As much as you want HIM to get well, turn that around on yourself.... and focus on your own program of recovery. You may begin to see a ripple effect in how he responds, and he may decide to get help too... maybe. "When one member of the family is thinking sanely, the whole family situation is bound to improve." I hung my hat on that al-anon statement!
Al-anon has made me spiritually fit in dealing with the disease of alcoholism, among other things. There are no adequate words for the gratitude I feel for this program. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Many blessings, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi Henny, So glad you are here. And so glad you have reached the point where you reach out and speak your truths. What I have found most of here is ESH...experience,strength and hope. And wisdom and subsequent growth. I am a different person in many ways after the learning and sharing I have done here. I am a mother of a 5 and 8 year old and I think I have helped become a stronger mother/role model/teacher for them because of what I have learned here,too. I hope you keep coming back, Fifi
