The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hate to start my post with a topic like that, but it's the truth. I'm at work and I'm simply miserable today. I am angry at my ex ABF for his behaviors and for leaving me here to live with this crap. He was my second great love--the one that promised me a future and a great life. My first one died on 9/11--and that was a kind of pain I never want to experience again. I am, though. It's different this time bc HE has chosen this path and HE has chosen to give up on us and give in to alcohol.
I am currently trying to avoid people at all costs today, which is very difficult when you work in a school. I'm so angry. I am just so angry.
I have my F2F meeting tonight, but in the meantime, I'm supposed to have a productive day. How can I be productive when my mind is spinning out of control like it is now? It's as if I'm completely incapable of doing any of the things I've learned--totally incapable of even being open to any strategies. It's a terrible feeling.
I did wind up emailing the A last night. All I said was that I have been thinking about him, hope he is getting himself well and that I hope he can feel my love for him even in our time apart and distance. I am angry at myself for emailing. HE should be emailing or contacting me. HE should be begging for MY forgiveness. I am beyond frustrated and hopeless today.
I totally understand how you feel...I have had many a days like this...where it is impossible to have a positive anything! My ex was also my "it". Still is, but we have to realize that they have a problem we have no control over. I don't believe they don't love us...I do believe my ex loved me more than anyone, but he had a disease that won over..for how long we never know. We can't help them, can't make them see, can't make them feel remorse, can't anything, no matter how bad it is we want it. Don't beat yourself up for contacting him. I've done that too. Maybe you just needed to at the time. I have gotten a lot of good advice for writing letters to my ex and then putting them away. This helps get your anger/words out without having the next day guilt for sending or saying something. I know days like this are hard...but try to breath today..and just realize you are important and worthy. (((hopeful123)))
Grief is a hard one. I still deal with grief. I have my phone turned way way down so I am not disturbed by the A's incessant calling. Then I have to switch it off regularly and I am also now dealing with some of his creditors calling. My phone is down so low that when I got to use it I can't hear a thing! So I have to remember to turn everything back up!
We can let the frustations over take us.
I spent years craving and obsessing about how the A needed to change. Then I surrendered.
I surrendered to the fact he was an A and on a downward spiral. He did not choose sobriety. I did.
Choose to recover and let go. Let go so you can go on regardless. Who knows what is coming next.
Hi Hopeful... question for you - do you journal? I found it extremely helpful, to assist me in keeping my focus on the "whats" of my circumstances..... It would seem to me, that you are getting overwhelmed by the "whys", and the "if onlys" right now....
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.
Journalling your feelings and honest thoughts will help you refrain from contacting him when you are emotionally needy.... Being emotionally needy and hoping/expecting those needs to be fulfilled by an active A is an exercise in futility, if not insanity....
Hope that helps Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hopeful going by what you wrote, what you are emailing him, is what you need to hear for yourself.
Your heart is saying,"what about me?"
My experience was I had to learn to do things I used to like, but had gone on the side when A disease was trying to kill me.
I would get a few plants, replant them, 'rearrange my pantry, clean the fridge, put up shears so the light would come in. Do a major rescue, most importantly for me, I started a new Bible study and was fed and cont. to feed me spiritually.
Watch funny movies, read Leo Buscalglia.
Also I would think about who the A is NOW. He is a gross, foul mouthed, stinky lazy, parasite, thief, liar...he is the epitime of a walking addict disease.
He is not the man you knew honey. Maybe never is anymore. Even if he was kind to you, made promises, made you feel loved again....99% chance that sick evil one will come back and take it all away again. Are you strong enough or can anyone be strong enough to take it again?
In reality for me anyway, it snuck up so softly I was dieing again before I realized it.
After time, I would go months with out any contact. Then almost a year, so I went to just see him and take care of business questions. I was not even surprised or hurt to see it was just what is left of his very miserable biological body that is still here.
All of my kind loving husband,friend, confidant, lover, my everything I wanted since I was 17 is truly been eaten away from addiction.
Knowing this over the years, I honesly have no desire to see it again, It being the skin, bones and rotted organs he is.
No longer have that longing I had for him "all" my life.
Sure the horribleness hits me sometimes. Hopeful you are going thru a process. All of it is normal. Painful as stabbing your heart with a hat pin.
I learned when I went to work, i would use my tool. I would Say stop outloud or in my head, and tell me, "all you have to do is be at work. All you have to do is do the tasks here now." It is a great key to life.
You have a broken heart. You are grasping to heal it. You are sick hon. If work is too much, tell who you need to, I have a broken heart. they will understand. everyone experiences it. Then do your tasks slowly and carefully. no rushing even if someone is pressuring you.
I absolutely hate the way the world is hurry hurry hurry. What in the world is going on?? We all die at the same time, we are doing our time here on earth. So what is the hurry???
Yes good for you to get to your meeting. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have friends or a friend to go to to just let it all out?
I am soooo glad you are here and venting. We all learn from each other.
So I invite you to do your best to fill that which your heart is doing its best to heal. Believe me it is not the A,nor will it ever be. I had to face that. MY experience.
"If I'm responsible for the creation of who I really am, then I also have a responsibility to protect myself from myself and my own crippling thoughts".
by Me (from a previous post) :)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I really feel for you, you are trying so hard to do what is best for YOU. It is incredibly hard and sometimes feels almost impossible. Dont be so hard on yourself for emailing him its so tempting to text/email them. Your emotions are so strong and hard to resist, allow your self a *bad day* tomorrow you will feel easier. I sometimes think part of the torture of our situation with the A is that they are always there,always available if we chase them hard enough, never quite out of our life enough to help us move on. If only we could react/behave how we would if the reason they had left us was another woman not the disease! I'm sure we'd recover much faster. It's all so hard and confusing
I hope the f2f helped you feel better. You will be ok, just be gentle on yourself.
I just want you to know that I know this feeling. Of needing to be productive, a "worker bee", when all you want to do is curl up into some corner and disappear. Or not be there. I have found that when I feel this way, BEING AT WORK IS A WONDERFUL GIFT because if I did not have to be at work, I would be off either hiding in my bed (isolating) or doing something destructive to myself. In fact, being at work is the BEST place for me when I am like this- Its super hard but once again, HP takes care of me. He found me this job, this structure, this way to support myself. And all of that is important- not just the money part but the interaction with others, the people, the intersections of people and places, the incredible structure that work adds to my day and my life. Lots of days suck, lots of them do. But not all of them. I have found that I am grateful for the regularity and routine of my jobs or of school or what I have heard from others- kids provide this as well. Hugs, J.
Been there and have done that until I was taught this; Say the Serenity Prayer over and over and over. Recite and practice the slogans that we have learned in recovery. Turn it over, Let go and Let God, this too will pass, Easy does it, Don't react, One day at a time, Think!!, etc. You'll be better and these help you get there. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
when i am angry and resentful, i have a hard time taking care of myself and living in "this" moment. i feel like i give my power/energy away to the anger.
i have learned to ask myself to detach from the anger... anger will not end up making me feel better, so why be angry... anger will not help me further any relationship, so why be angry... anger will not help me be forgiving and compassionate, so why be angry... not everything in this life will be fair, rational or enjoyable -- but how i feel is up to me.
i am only a victim of me.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
