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Hi all - first let me say that I'm extremely grateful to have found this site and the many wonderful members who have already shared their ES&H with me in the chat room.
Here's my drama for today:
My 17-year-old son (will be 18 in a few weeks) decided to skip a class the other day. This is the first and only time this has ever happened. He got called on it at school today and came clean with them and has accepted the consequences of his actions.
My dilemma is that his dad, my active AH, as a parent needs to know about this, however I do not want to be the messenger. Historically, I have been blamed or held responsible for any kind of negative news regarding our kids. I'm not tough enough on them or I let them get by with too much, etc.... I hear this any time their grades aren't up to par or any time they do or say something that isn't to the A's liking.
I have already told my son the following:
He is not going anywhere socially any time soon. He gets to tell his dad about his little adventure. He has violated our trust. He should not get mad at me for being mad at him.
So I've come to the conclusion that I will let my kid deal with this when he comes in tonight, however I am pretty sure I will hear about it for the foreseeable future. I'm also pretty sure I will be asked if I knew about this - I don't want to lie, but then again I need to have a decent response for him about why I didn't tell him. I suppose I could just say I wanted to leave it up to our son to deal with it since it is his problem.
I could use your thoughts on how to handle this going forward.
I certainly think it is the 17 yr old's responsibility to own up to his mistakes. And you already have you answer for your AH. Be honest, you think it is your son's place to pass on the information as it is HIS information....in my opinion anyway!
Welcome to the board!!! Glad you posted, keep coming back!
Gosh I lived with an alcoholic who was very controlling. I was there a lot. I also lived with the blame for everything. I think the best way I handled things was to be vague. I also kept very very busy.
I currently live in a house with a group of people who are addicted to all sorts of things. The only way I can deal with it is to be super boundaried. Where I tripped up was expecting something from them. Now I expect nothing it is such a relief.
tell the truth , yes u knew about it but left it up to your son to tell his dad . end of conversation . You don't have to listen to garbage about how this is your fault for being to leinent etc , your son at 17 made the decission it's 'his responsibiltiy leave it with him . Your doing the right thing by making h im responsible for telling his dad . well done . Louise
The only thing I would think is that I don't really look at the A's as being that responsible and in the past I have had to shield my son from violent reactions, as a parent I needed to take this responsibility. I have to say, I don't think A's are responsible people so I tend to tailor the info and keep it vague rather than treating him as if he has a right to know, this is my situation so I am not proffering advice or judging yours as everyone's is different. Saying that my son is quite wilful but my relationship has improved with him in leaps and bound over the last two years since actually I started to take responsibility.
blender_girl wrote:I have already told my son the following:
He is not going anywhere socially any time soon. He gets to tell his dad about his little adventure. He has violated our trust. He should not get mad at me for being mad at him.
So I've come to the conclusion that I will let my kid deal with this when he comes in tonight, however I am pretty sure I will hear about it for the foreseeable future.
You appear to be a very responsible parent. Give yourself a big pat on the back! Also, if this is one of the worst things your son has done as a teenager, AND he is almost 18 years old, you are very, very lucky and/or an above-average parent!!!!!! (I will spare you the details of what my two sons did as high school students!)
One thing jumps out at me regarding what you told your son and that is you telling him that he "should not get mad at you for being mad at him."
I see the point you are striving for your son to see. However, I think it best to avoid telling anyone how to feel.
Perhap I'm hyper-sensitive when it comes to parents telling their children how to feel or not feel. My mom, who has a severe personality disorder, never validated my feelings as a child. That messed me up for years and still does some to this very day.
Feelings aren't facts, as you well know. So if your son feels angry, so what? If he verbally expresses that he is angry or exhibits such behavior, then perhaps use this as a teachable moment through direct questions, such as "who are you really angry at?"
I hope I don't generate any frustration in you. I realize that you have enough without me adding to it.
BTW, I think having your son tell his father was a very good move!
I appreciate your (and everyone else's) feedback, stormie.
Good point about telling my son how to feel - I obviously had not considered that. I was projecting :)
You're absolutely right - if my son gets mad at me, so what? Once again I have placed more importance on how someone else *might* react rather than examining my own feelings.
I guess I have gone so long having my A tell me what I should or should not feel that I unconsciously do the same to my kids. You have raised my awareness to this behavior and I am grateful to you for that. What I won't do is beat myself up over it - that's a new thing for me. What I probably should do is maybe apologize to my son for telling him how to feel.
I still have a lot to learn, but this has been valuable to me - so THANK YOU ALL!
