The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well on one of my husbands drinking binges he asked for my wedding ring back and well like a dummy I gave it to him because I didnt want to start world war 3 with an argument, so I just gave it to him. Well he either lost it or threw it away. and now a week and a half later I keep telling him if he might possiably know where it would be. He said it has to be in the house somewhere , well I looked everywhere, no ring. he did leave that night and got in his car, i checked there, no ring, I am assuming he threw it away.. I am really upset, it is a 6500.00 ring and well he is acting like it is no big deal that it is missing. He has had 3 days off since then and couldnt find any time to look for it, knowing it is important to me.. NOT ONE MINUTE TO LOOK FOR IT... he even got mad at me when I brought it up... How can he be so nonchalant ( not sure if i spellied it right ) about it.. like oh well its gone. I am done asking and telling him it is important to me. I dont know what else to say but i cant beleive he got mad at me over it..
I have been with my A 7 years and he has been dry for 6 months. Dry, sober, or active, they will blame others for everything, even for things they have done. I am speaking from experience. I am sorry about your ring. You have the right to be upset. I know the feeling, agreeing with or doing something for the A just to keep the piece is tough, and I understand.
My A gets mad at me for saying anything that could even make him look bad in the smallest way, mostly little things. The way I see it (no matter what it is) if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. If this would happen to me, I would tell myself it's the desease talking. Telling myself that has helped me through many bad times.
Thanks I hope I find it to.. I feel so dumb now looking at his actions seeing that it is his disease talking and making him act this way. I totally was playing the whole victim role but well gotta get over it. I should have known better than first off to give it to him. This is a man who has on drunken rampages, got all my clothes and cut them up, ( i literally had only what I had on left..), destroyed a precious jewlery box of my moms from when she was alittle girl, ( my mom is passed away), thrown away and destroyed so much personal items of mine, and well 3 times broke items on my car. What was I thinking giving it back to him... Well it is over with now, I just want to find it, but have a strong feeling he threw it out. He told me, " well i gues you will have to get a new one, " Okay my reply to that is, first off we dont have that kind of money now, second I dont want t anew one, i want my old one, everytime I look down at the new one, I will think of why it is I have a new wedding ring, your drunken binges.. So no I dont want a new one... Well I am going to go out tomorrow and look again in the yard.. Pray I find it... I think he isnt wanting to look because he knows he threw it away.. Thats my idea...
My ex "lost" his wedding ring while out on a binge. I even drove him back to the house where he stayed to "look" for it. He didn't "lose" it, he sold it.
I "lost" my diamond earrings he gave me. One night they were on my night stand and the next morning they were gone. I searched EVERYWHERE for them, ex searched everywhere for them. He even offered to go thru the vacuum cleaner incase they somehow were vacuumed up. Turns out, he took them and sold them.
I have had so many things go "missing" only to find out later that ex had sold them. And yes, he would get all defensive and abusive towards me when I, in my innocence, would ask for his help looking for said items or express grief over losing them. In fact, he'd go ballistic. I wasn't ever accusing him (although I should have) I just wanted, ya know, normal communication.
Not saying your H sold anything but it just reminded me of how my ex behaved when he'd done something really underhanded.
The A who I was with did tons of stuff like this. There is no right way to deal with this. Of course you are mortified and hurt. Somehow they need to create chaos around them. I don't know that there is a way to de-tach successfully from the mess they make. The A's uncle used to say that the A who I was with was hell bent on digging a hole he could not get out of. I resisted for so long really embracing that.
I am sorry you are in this posiiton. I have certainly been there. The only thing I would suggest from my own ESH is to try to work with your distress, comfort yourself, attend to yourself. The A is certainly not in a position to do that.
Some of the way I attend to myself is to really express my emotions somehow someway then I feel better. In the case of dealing with an A they are generally unreceptive so I come here often. I also don't express them 24/7 as I used to when I lived with an A. Nevertheless there is no question that when I lived with an A I came here a lot and expressed myself and that really really really helped. Maresie.
I have been with my A 7 years and he has been dry for 6 months. Dry, sober, or active, they will blame others for everything, even for things they have done.
I disagree with part of this statement. If the A is sober and working a good program of recovery, he/she won't behave this way. My AH has been sober for 3+ years and works a good program. Today, he takes responsibility for his actions and does not blame me for everything that is wrong in life (like he did when he was active). He is by no means perfect, and there are days when he works his program better than others (as I do), but he tries to do the "next right thing" and he has gotten really good at making amends.
I do agree, however, that when the A is active, he/she will blame-shift--there is an overwhelming inability to take responsibility for self. To expect otherwise, is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Hang in there and take care of yourself,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Hate to tell you this...but one of our sons while he was active took an item that he thought would have no signifgance again and pawned it off that same night. His story to us was, he loaned it to a buddy. Of course every time we brought up getting the item back, we had no idea it was gone for good and we couldn't for the life of us understand why he acted like we were making a big deal out of nothing. I'm guessing by what you've stated that ring is gone for good. No sense asking for it back. You heard him ask for it, you gave it to him, he drove away that night and became drunk....nuff said.
If it were me and I were in your shoes, I'd be calling every pawn shop in the phone book... but that goes to show you how much I trust A's. It would at least explain his behavior as to why he hasn't bothered to look for it.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It is my experience when an Addict asks for something he/she has a plan.
I also had my tools go missing. He sold "everything" I did not hide.
A's also do very expensive drugs,not just alcohol, so the stealing and selling will get worse as they have no idea how to feel guilty when they are not on a program of recovery.
Want to tell you it is just a "thing," and if I were you I would be finding a way to get me another one that I bought for me.
glad you are here, feel sad for your pain. love,debilyn
Oh, the old wedding ring act....been thru that so many times. But it was always him throwing HIS ring around the room. Not wearing it. One morning I got up for work and found his ring on the kitchen counter, CUT IN TWO. Oh, that just killed my soul. Crazy, crazy stuff. Long story short, I left our 8 year marriage, (11 year relationship) 3 months ago, and I can't tell you how much better my life is. Never thought I could do it, but I did, and am glad for it.
That ring laid in my jewelry box for over a year since I found it. I just sold it last weekend, and put the $50 in my pocket. Didn't think he deserved it, he obviously didn't appreciate the ring while he owned it. It was given in love, and then destroyed, along with the love.
Hope you are going to meetings. Keep coming here. Things will get better.
