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Before I get started on my post - just a quick thanks to all who post and reply here. It gives me great comfort and more than a few ideas about how to handle my recovery.
I last posted several weeks ago that I had finally understood that I needed to have a boundary. This was quite the realization...it honestly never occurred to me that I could do this. Unfortunately, my AH didnt like my boundary and has chosen to move out.
For the last several weeks, my AH has been very hostile. The hostility culminated last night in him coming to our home, letting himself in with his key, and then raging at me to such a horrific extent, I sneaked outside the house and called the police. For the first time in my life, I feared for my safety. Even worse, my teenage son was in his room and "stuck" in the house. I know I'm projecting here, but I don't know what I would have done if he hurt our son - I feel guilty for sneaking out and leaving him at risk, but also sensed that it was me he wanted to do hurt.....Fortunately, he was so drunk, he didnt even know I'd stepped out. I snuck back in to try and avoid further escalation. The police came quickly, and, after some discussion, removed him from the house. In this discussion, my AH agreed to move into an apartment, with my assistance. He said that one of the reasons he keeps coming back is that he hates living in a motel. Today I called to follow-up, and he is back to raging again, doesnt want my help, wont move into an apartment, hates my guts etc.
I have many questions about this. I've been trying to "play nice" and not escalate things further by changing the locks on my AH's only real home (whether he lives here or not). Am I trying to be too controlling again in trying to manage him or expecting too much by hoping for such a "play nice" approach in return? Some of you have recommended that I think through a "Plan B" in the event AH doesnt respect my boundaries. My Plan B is for me and my son to move out so that he cant get to us anymore, but I'm hesitant to do this as again, I don't want to escalate and "punish" him for his disease, and if I'm being totally honest, the home we live in is here because I worked my "a" off (pardon my pun) in paying the mortgage etc There's a part of me that doesnt want to give up what I worked so hard to keep together, yet there's also a part that says, "what does it matter?" Serenity and safety are far more valuable. Finally, there is a thought in the back of my mind that maybe I over-reacted when I called the police last night. When I was little, there were many times when I was threatened by A's in my mother's life, and I've literally had to run for my life.....did this threat, bring back old fears? Was he really going to hurt me? I never thought of him as violent before. Can an A turn violent when their codependant "turns off the tap of unconditional support"?
I'm very much looking forward to my face to face meeting on Wednesday night, I've packed an emergency bag and put it in my car, and I'm carrying a cell phone and my house keys with me wherever I go in the house. This is really horrible, but I continue to pray and listen for my HP guidance.
Thanks all for listening and any ESH you can offer is appreciated,
Good for you for looking out for you and your son. I'd say your gut instinct is what you have to go on and if you were afraid that he was going to get violoent, I'd say that you made the right choice in calling the police. sometiems old fears due surface, but it is always better to be safe than sorry. I feel for you living like this, but it is good that you have a plan B, stick to it and I also don't think it out of the queston to change the locks on the house if he is that threatening to you and the police have been brought in. Take it one day at a time and my prayers and thoughts will be with you. I have been where you are, and have actually been in a shelter for abused women, they are safe haven's in a storm. Hope you don't have to use one, but know that they are there if you ever need one.
Also I would suggest a violence against women support group. It is vital for you to learn all they can tell you. Also they can offer support.
Please hide a key outside. You don't want to find yourself being hurt with him trying to get it off you. I always had a bag packed hidden outside. I also learned to not get on a phone to call out in front of him.
Only you know what you choose to do. In my experience, I would change the locks with no question. If he has physically hurt you, he could kill you and or your son. Remember his brain is damaged, we never know how far they will go.
I am so sad you all are going through this. You must be so upset and confused. It is a huge upheaval for all of you.
I hope you can assure your child that dad is sick. He needs to know it is not his fault. Kids immediately think it is their fault. Kids also need to know it is very ok to still love him. Just as it is for you. If dad was healthy he probably would never do this.
I am glad you keep coming back. Again I would hide money, your needs ie meds,keys and phone numbers to your support people. If you have to escape you won't be thinking real clear. It helps to have a list. If you have a pet or pets get them out too.
The bottom line is the safety and well being of you and your son. You are doing the right thing by packing a bag, etc. You might want to call the local women's shelter and find out some more information. Can you go there on a moment's notice if the situation escalates? If not, where is the safest place that you two can go where he will not be able to touch you? I understand that it is your house, and you worked so hard to keep it. But it will do you no good if you are not around to enjoy it. Please, please be careful and safe. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You had better contact a battered women's agency. You can get an EPO - an emergency protective order. You do need to be enormously careful about doing stuff like changing the locks. If he is a legal owner you can't actually do that. Nevertheless now the police are invovled you would undoubtedly get a EPO if he came back.
A's rage they do it very well. My ex A went through a spate of calling and calling and calling me. I switched the phone off airplane mode. He stopped calling. I know I am prepared to get an EPO if he came to where I live.
You really need absolutely expert advise on this. A battered womens agency can give that to you.
Please be careful. Take care of yourself. Recognize he is violent and there needs to be action taken to be safe.
Wow! Miracles In Progess! About your passed and mothers a's being scary and possilby bringing back memories. This is frecking me out. I think I was ment to read your posting this morning. My AH just moved out, we have to little angels and I have not changed my locks, this is his house too. I'm thinking once I start dipping into his drinking and smoking funds we may be right where you are now. My AH has broken things in anger but reading your post and knowing how ugly my childhood was with As. You really got me thinking where I could be within the next few weeks...I have not packed a bag. I have not been to a f2f meeting yet. I have not thought ahead at all. But I am learning so much every hour of the day through all of you. Although I have no advise for you but thank you soo much for your share you may have possibily let me prepared for something I would not have been prepared for. A truly greatful new member. Kelly
