The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I evolve in the program I find myself less and less able to tolerate being around people who don't take care of themselves. One of my recently acquired friends is a man who has a great deal of sobriety (its a lot). Nevertheless he doesn't take care of himself at all. If I point it out to him he gets really defensive and I'm long gone from trying to "cure" anyone. I don't doubt we will continue to be friends but I know some of the discomfort I'm feeling is that I'm sure lots of people moved on from me when they realised I didn't take care of myself.
I've been very very comfortable most of my life being around people who don't take care of themselves. I slid right in there to the role of caretaker. I have not this time. I have also not really been that much of a nagger or mentioning that much that he has that option. I just talk about the fact I am taking care of myself. This week I realised that of course I did not see the red flags with my ex because I was not taking care of myself. Only when I am "doing" for myself will I notice that others are not taking care of myself. So I have to put down the stick about doing what I did with the A. I did not know any better! I can accept that. That was all I knew and I did what I knew which was to be way way way too over involved.
I'm so glad to be free of the urge and obsession with fixing others. I respect that other people might not be in a place to take care of themselves but I am not here to remedy the situation anymore. I have far too much to do to take care of me. Right now I am operating out of a plan a and a plan be and that really takes up most of my time. I don't hav a timetable or anything and there is no stick beating on myself. Yet I'm aware that I need to take care of a lot of things and there are tremendous obstacles to doing that. I do what I can each and every day and that leaves me very little time to step in and insist that I know what's best for anyone else!
A beautiful post! Very honest and it resonates with so much of my past roles. Caretaker. Not troubled by people who do not care for themselves.
Sometimes I think the reason why I met my A, was to have our relationship drain me of so much energy that I literally could not give anymore! I used to joke about how much love I had to give....then I joked that he could take it all. How sick and true that became.
These days I only have energy for me and my kids and my work and my friends.....and that is plenty! I am vigilant and make sure I don't fall into a pattern of giving too much...I am quite aware when someone starts allowing me to give too much...and I step right away.
Thank you for your words. Here is taking care of ourselves!
I can relate to having less tolerance for people who do not take care of themselves. It's sad to see people either withdraw from them or take them under their wing to caretake. I am proud of you taking care of yourself today and having a plan be. One Day at a Time you will find your way in this maze called life. Keep keeping on and taking care of you.
Thank you so much for your post. I have 'slipped' back into my old ways these last few days. Putting all my energy into caretaking and obsessing about my partner. Your words really spoke to me. I need to have a bit of your tenacity, and stop the slide. I will think on your words.
Thanks, I too have noticed this. I have been taking much better care of myself and I too notice when people don't. I hear cries for attention or caretaking and I ignore them. I usually give a non chalant gee that sux.... or something like that. I don't get sucked in. I don't get too attached but that leaves me feeling isolated and empty a lot of the time because I feel like I'm not fully experiencing the depth and range of emotion that I used to. Albeit less pain so I guess that's ok. It's too bad you can't let in the fullness of love (to the level of being intertwined) without the fullness of the pain as well.
I am sooo trying to take care of myself and not let my family and friends zap my energy. I have alot of anxiety about "what's if's"---my sons and 86 mom can really give me stress--only IF i allow it! This recovery is hard work!
