The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week completely exhausted me with medical appointments, medical procedures, and caring for my grandbaby part of each day and nearly 12 hours on Friday. So today I am trying to clear my brain and rest my body.
I had something very unpleasant happen yesterday. I wasn't feeling well but went out to do errands which required 3 stops. On the way I kept fighting this feeling of anxiety. Stop l: hurried through it. Stop 2: again hurried but was shaking uncontrollably by now, near tears, breathless. Came home immediately, into the house, burst into tears and cried for awhile with my husband trying to determine what was wrong and if he needed to do anything.
I sat and kept my eyes closed and meditated. I know I had a panic attack. I have come close before while out in the "world". But never this intense. I told my husband that there was nothing he could do; I refuse to medicate myself. I refuse to go through life only half present or face the side effects of meds. A few hours later he went with me and we did groceries; I was fine.
Things within my life have been about the same for the past ten days: one step forward, two steps back. Son still unemployed but quiet and pensive, somewhat depressed but seems sober to me and is going to meetings (he says). Husband still sick but ready to endure lithotripsy for third time next week....another full day for me with him at hospital.
Have any of you had panic attacks? What do you do about them? I can sense them hovering. I think I have just stayed home so much the past 20 months except for medical things and absolute necessities that I have lost my nerve for traffic, people, situations. I surely must be a total control freak!!!! I know that I had to get home to regain control. The sense of impending doom was overwhelming and regardless of the logic I applied to the situation, I couldn't get over it until I got home. I spend most days and nights with this sense of something awful about to happen; it is terribly dibilitating and robs my sleep and quality of life. I have had counseling and my primary care physician has said "meds"....again, I have said no to that and she understands and respects my decision.
Thanks for listening. I hope one of these days to get back to the person I used to be. I don't like the person I have become and I know I am the only one who can change anything. I know at the dead center of all this is my son's disease, the divorce, and both husband and I with illness. Logic??? Yes. Now what to do with it when I turn to HP and then take it back.
joyoma wrote:I think I have just stayed home so much the past 20 months except for medical things and absolute necessities that I have lost my nerve for traffic, people, situations.
That is the part of your post that really jumped out and grabbed me, Joyoma. (((((hugs)))))
Lately I have been at home far too much, what with college classes, now on foot since youngest AD wrecked her car and my parents demanded the Nissan be given to her to use in the interim, and increasing back pain from a new problem of a constant spasm in the area where the disks are bulging.
That's exactly what starts to happen to me. The social anxiety starts to set in.
Friday, even though I am not supposed to do any heavy work, I just had to get out of the house, and went with AD to help clean barns/paddocks at the farm, and it was wonderful to get out of the house!
I ended up sore, but with no more physical discomfort than activities I normally don't do, and it was good for me mentally and physically.
I have to be careful not to isolate so much at home, even if it's just to walk around a block or two each day, something to get me out of the house and a little reflective time for me!
As always, I continue to keep you and yours in my prayers!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Your responses always make me smile, TH!! I am glad you got out, got some exercise. I know I feel better when I make myself just go into the backyard and pull one weed or something!! Isn't it strange when we recognize problems, see them for what they are, and STILL have trouble dealing with them??
My church called about an hour ago and someone is coming by with a floral bouqet from the altar flowers this morning. I haven't been to church in 10 months at least. So what do I do with this news? I lament that I have to pick up the house a bit, don't want to see anyone, not in the mood to talk, etc. I later was ashamed of myself; my husband just bit his tongue and didn't say a word.....wise one that he is. It is embarrassing to me that my mental state is so negative that I wouldn't welcome my church's visitor without question. They have come before and I always enjoy the flowers and the little contact after they do. This is what I mean about not liking who I have become!!!! It definitely needs working on.....I definitely need working on!!!!
You know, when you talked about going out in the yard, I thought back to late last year when my depression had gotten so bad that I started back in therapy.
My sponsor told me even if it was just sitting on the back steps and watching the dogs when I let them out to potty/play, get outside at least once a day, if not more, breathe in some fresh air, and get some sun.
Little things like that made such a difference for me!
The nice thing is when we backslide and feel our old selves creeping in, at least we can recognize it now and take positive action!
If I lived closer, I'd be tickled pink to just walk over and give you a pink carnation! I do that once in a while when I go visit the elderly couple I used to work for.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
sounds like you have a lot on. A lot of people suggest doing deep breathing and relaxation to deal with panic attacks. Please stop beating up on yourself. You are certainly not anything but courageous.
After Saturday's bout of anxiety/panic I sat down at the keyboard yesterday and did some thinking and listing. I tried to pinpoint the main things that keep me anxious and stressed out.
My list included this: DETACH further from my Ex-DIL. No contacts with her outside of necessary communication re: the grandbaby. No small talk, no e-mail, and certainly no phone calls (she calls me, I never call her).
ACKNOWLEDGE that she is using me and without my help, she could not function very well while caring for the child, carrying on the social life, and working.
OBSESSION about her boyfriend, about my son's sobriety, about whether she will actually re-marry, about what happens to grandbaby if she does, about when my son will be re-employed, about how the economy is affecting us, about the state of the nation!!!!! Reading this just confims how much I am a control freak and how none of this is in my control. Why, then, do I want it to be?
ANXIETY over my cancer. Again, other than the care I give myself and my doing what my team of doctors advise me, nothing I can do about whether it recurrs or not.
ANXIETY over my spouse's illness. Again, out of my control.
This exercise helped me through yesterday. I continue to think about it today. Being in control is the culprit for me, I think. And certainly very little to nothing is within my power to control. Thanks to all for your support and responses.
