The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a year since my ex A BF left...and as I have mentioned we recently had a chance to talk and heal a bit. He has been sober nearly 2 years now...that is my history here of becoming "sober" from my own old patterns,too.
It has brought so much up for me though.....I remember the pain and the love of our time together. Now I live alone with my two little girls in a life that is peaceful and healthy and happy....no screaming, no suspicion,no strange phone calls in the middle of the night,no drunk or depressed man on my couch all day so that i am embarressed to have the neighbors come in. And no me suspecting,worring,interfering,manipulating, pleading,crying,hoping.....
Tonight I am lonely and tired from living a life as a single mom. I remember the times my A used to be here and we loved each other and he helped with the kids and the house. But it came with a life that I could not remain happy/healthy in.
I have to be thankful for the peace I feel .....and know that this alone lonliness is preferred to the insane lonliness of living with an addict.
Coming here helps a lot.....it got me to stop crying tonight :)
Your post reminded me of the years I lived like that, 20 to be truthful. The loneliness does get to me and my children suffered so long too as they pleaded for us not to split up. That was unbearable too.
Whatever I was to do I was going to bring pain and suffering to them, if I stayed with their alcoholic father or if I moved us out of the situation I would be splitting the family up which is what they did not want.
No way brought a completely happy result and I guess by staying the most suffering was endured by them as well as me, but it also affected them deeply without them realising at the time for staying in that insanity, something my daughter at 34 has not come to terms with or even addressed.
I am glad that you have found peace and have forged ahead with the alone loneliness than stayed with the insane loneliless of living with an addict and worked out the truth of both situations knowing that you would endure loneliness from the memory of the before times.
I feel for your lonely tiredness from living the single mom life but I applaud you for having the courage to live it anyway for I am sure you will be rewarded for you unselfish action of removing your children from that insanity.
Hold on, I am sure you will be rewarded for the things that you have lost, in time and I for one will always hold you in prayer that you find the loneliness becomes easier as the insanity of staying clears away from you mind. Peace be with you and keep on coming here.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
So glad to see you back. How are your kiddo's? I bet your life is serene now.
I believe the lonlies will get easier. Get into the kids more and more. I raised my two with out dad. Was fortunate my Mother was my partner in crime with my kids. lol
I actually avoided men. Felt like i did not want another kid. sounds awful. but I honestly did not want to carry the load of a relationship. did not have the energy or drive to work at one.
Kids got all of me. We had a great time, and hard times.
so glad to see you, ya sound good too. Glad you saw the A, just want you to be careful. As nice as he is now, he will undoubtly relapse and go right back out again someday. I know I could not handle that again. no way.
Are you going to meetings? Do you feel alanon helped you?
much love sweetie,debilyn yes the old broad earth mother is still here..
