The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I told you that I have been in real trouble since 1 September when I had my fall.
During the last three days I have had so many friends visiting me and have been tracing back over the last month or so.
Now I can confess. The drugs that the doctors at the hospital had insisted that I take had taken me back to a real bad place. Many years ago I was on Vallium for a period of 7 years and I was suicidal during that time. During this last month I have been in that very same place, and have not known what on earth I have been doing or saying most of the time, but I have been fighting suicidal thoughts daily.
At long last my doctor has promised that I will NEVER NEVER EVER BE PUT ON VALLIUM EVER AGAIN and I realise that those suicidal thoughts have been killing my strength, my faith, my trust, my progress during this time that the doctors have been urging me to stay with the vallium.
Today after sitting with my nearest and dearest friend who had just come back to from holiday, she said that she was horrified to see me in such a terrible state. At that I sat and cried in her arms and we have spent four hours talking through these last weeks that she has been away and I admitted to her the depth of my despair that I had only just managed to admit to my doctor yesterday after screaming out for help and asking that no one ever put me on vallium ever again, because I had been fighting suicidal thoughts and intentions for so many weeks now.
At last I feel that I can be honest to those I love. And I am so ashamed to admit that I have been contemplating suicide whilst on this drug.
I am still scared. I am still vulnerable, but I will never be given that drug again and I will take each day as it comes and prayer each time the thoughts come to haunt and scare me until this drug is really out of my system for good.
In the meantime, I ask for your prayers to help me get through, and I ask for your forgiveness that I have been to the depths of despair enough to think of ending my life.
My life is God's, not mine to take and I shall continue to come back to full health knowing that integrity is my way forward. I am not perfect, I am just as vulnerable as the next person but I promise this...I will survive and I will trust in this programme and my HP and I will come back to my home of recovery again and again for your support and love and care.
Thank you for listening to me, believing in me, and knowing I trust this family as I trust no other family other than my church family.
With love Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank God (truly) that your doctor finally saw the light and promised never to put you on valium again. I often wonder what doctors are thinking when they put us on so many medicines. I have one that has me on Abilify, Lexapro, clonazepam, and just started me on Depakote. I have been diagnosed with depression and mood swings. I've not heard them mention bipolar, but I know tht is what Depakote is often used for because my ex-husband was on it. They just took me off gabitril and put me on the Depakote, so I am dreading what side effects it will have and I've heard they can be many. They have to monitor it with blood tests. I'm not suicidal although I am overwhelmed with my current situation of living at home with my mother and selling of our farm. My husband doesn't work and I'm faced with having to kick him out after our farm is sold.
I guess I should have made this a seperate post, it seems to be more about me than you, sorry. It just scares me when I see doctors put people on medicine that they don't need, I'm not saying that's my case, maybe I need the med's to cope. I do seem to be coping better, but I am fairly groggy and have gained weight, another side effect.
Don't be ashamed of your predictament, it sounds like a misdiagnosis on the parts of the physicians. Be thankful that they got it straightened out in time and can get you back on the road to recovery, where we all want to be.
I am so sorry for your pain and your struggle. I am so happy that you have made it to a place where you can speak your truth and find your way to safety. Good for you for speaking back to your Dr! You asked for help and you got it.
Try and relieve yourself of the shame you feel....these struggles are simple part of being human...it has helped me to give myself a break and let go of control and judgement of myself when I am less than superwoman.
Thanks for sharing you ESH... with love in recovery, fifi
HI ((((Suzannah))) So sorry to hear of the terrible time you've had and the dark places you have been. Having an accident and suffering pain can bring on depression, add to that heavy meds that alter your mind well it's no wonder you felt suicidal, please dont feel ashamed of those feelings. You made it through and have grown and learn from your experience. Your really brave to share this and as always your share will help others. Please dont be scared as your HP was with you all the way and we are with you also. You are an important part of the family here.
I remember the support and encouragement you recently gave me, and how you are unable to go to f2f, tonight I am going to a new f2f and will be nervous, so I am taking you with me
OH Sue, so proud of you for letting this out. Please remember we still know you also as a very strong lady who has wonderful positive thoughts. Just becuz you are in a low time, we know your strengths.
For petes sake sis you just had gone thru a horrible time with family then get home only to get so hurt!
Had not even had a chance to heal from that! Not like it went away becuz you had the horrible fall!
Have fought those feelings all my sue. Started when my boyfriend cheated on me in High School !
If I forget my anti depressants, I feel that way. Please know we understand and you are not alone. I am so glad you have friends who come and help you, love you. I know how you hate feeling helpless, wanting to just walk to town or go out to your garden and it is hard for you ! Operations,enduring all kinds of pain, healing only to have another accident!
You never said if this was inside the store or out? Is the store taking any responsibility?
For me Sue, suicidal thoughts are not wanting to die, more that I don't want things to be how they are anymore. Valuim is a good drug, but a very bad drug for some things. I cannot believe he put you on that when you suffer depression ! It is a depressant.
You probably cannot sit there and paint? Maybe get some color pencils or whatever medium you want to use and draw. Draw out your feelings. I used to get this really pretty light paper and make my own stationery. Loved doing that. Computers sometimes make us forget we can do all that on our own, and it is us coming out.
Maybe get someone to bring you home books of paintings, pictures of everyday people and things, flowers, animals, anything that makes you happy. Have them bring in bouquets for you. Bring the outside in. That always helps me. I have pretty rocks all over in here.... Some are from my head....(o:
If the world was as it should be, I could fly over and do your stuff and relax and close my eyes and listen to your wonderful accent and pretty voice !
I Hope you have pretty comfy things to wear.All that stuff helps.
