The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Woke up at 3am (as usual). Tried to use the stillness to connect to God, but just couldn't feel it. Then, I hear the breathing next to me. My youngest, almost 4, is such an incredibly beautiful specimen of a human being. He sleeps with me, has since my AH moved out. He's laying there all sprawled out with one arm wrapped around the cat laying in the crook of his arm. Our animals love him. Whenever he is still, there is at least one laying with him, sometimes two.
I thought about how his life was not planned, and how he entered the world when I was rich in denial, still hopeful about the life I thought I had built even though I knew my marriage did not feel good. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I was so very depressed. My AH was great with having another child but not support me emotionally, and was just irritated that I could be so down. I remember spending the day in bed crying, begging God to make it not be true. Then, finally, to get out of my funk, I decided to clean the closet (?). I randomly grabbed a box and started going through it. I found my daughter's first baby shoes and all the cards congratulating us on her birth. Then, amongst the baby items I found a paper I had made long ago, and one time had taped on the bathroom window at our previous house. It was wrinkled and smeared and said, "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not hurt you, plans to give you hope and a future." At that moment, I knew it was going to okay.
So, I had an attitude adjustment, and though the circumstances weren't what they should have been, there could have been no greater outcome. Lately, this little guy and I have an "I love you" bantering that goes on, often silly and full of laughter. What's even more special, however, is that he just randomly calls out for me to tell me he loves me. He gives kisses and hugs, and is emotionally vulnerable and innocent. When he feels sad he sobs, when he is mad he tells me why, when he finds joy he belly laughs. His siblings are 7 and 11 years older, thus it is not surprising that he is wise beyond his years. He always wakes up with a smile. There is no greater drink than chocoate milk. He has discovered the fun in being a "copy cat". He is proud to have superheroes on the rear of his underpants. He loves to play or just do nothing, perfectly content to hang out. In his eyes, his dad hangs the moon every night. Our separation became a part of his life so early on, that he has perfect acceptance of what it is, but it still hurts me deeply, for he will never know what it is like to have two parents together and a traditional family home life. I know I can't change it and his life can still be good, but I still grieve for the way things should have been.
So, I called out for God this morning and found the connection laying right next to me. I post this as a gratitude and a reminder that greatness and good can come from what we grieve. I need to trust that as bleak as my life is right now, there can be, will be, greater good. I know the same is true for all of you too.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:53, 2008-10-03
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:56, 2008-10-03
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:58, 2008-10-03
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I can relate somewhat although it is with my grandchildren. When my dil and son decided to not be together anymore I was devastated. I believed that I would never again be the grandmother I always wanted to be. My younger son and dil have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years. Hasn't happened....may not, who knows? I am so grateful now that my son and his ex had these 2 children. I see them more than I did before they split up. Son is engaged to be married again to someone that does not have any children and they have decided not to have any. I am kind of happy about that because of his aism but am also happy about the 2 we do have.
The same thing happened to me last night. I had a semi-meltdown yesterday and my mom watched my son overnight so I could go to my meeting. When I came out of my meeting I had a voicemail. Number didn't show up so I was wondering who it was. When I listened to that little voice over the phone say "Hi mommy" I melted. My son (7yrs) didn't like the shirt I had dropped off for him - he asked if I could please bring by a shirt with a picture on it for school tomorrow - oh and he wanted some new poc-e-man cards. Made my evening! So much to be grateful for.
Ok, so you got me! I sit here crying at the beautiful way you've described your child and your journey.
He sounds so much like my little peanut. She and I have a bond unlike the ones I have with my older two. And she doesn't have the pain of knowing what her family was "supposed" to be like. When she speaks of her father (very rare) she does it without any anger, or grief.
Thank you for this post. Even in our joy we are not alone!
What an absolutely beautiful post about your child! I have a 3 year old grandson who so fits your description. He, too, was too young when his parents split up to ever know anything different. He worships his Daddy (my son) and that is what keeps me going and going to maintain the relationship between my Ex-DIL and myself. It is so hard. But the wonderful child who came out of their flawed and pitiful marriage didn't happen by accident, not in my opinion. He was given to them for a reason; he was given to my husband and me for a reason. Perhaps we don't see it all right now, but his presence in our lives makes up for all the grief and chaos we often experience with the disease. Thank you for this post!! I loved reading it and it was something I needed today.
You seem to have been touched by an angel, and I see this as HP sending you one. So perfect.
It would appear to me, that your attempt at stillness brought you some peace afterall. Keep "practicing" stillness. Get calm. Be still. Just sit in HP's presence. It gets better!
Even though my children are older, they too, are affected by our family torn apart by the divorce this year. I try not to think about what I believe "should have been." How can I possibly know that is true? Consider that this may be a necessary experience on their spiritual journey that serves a perfect purpose. There is just no knowing the mind of God.
Thank you for sharing with us, my heart is full!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have to take care of my two dogs and now one cat largely because the A abdicated. I used to resent it deeply and feel lost about it. Now I find caring for them such a joy. Everyday I walk them and they just appreciate that so much. I was not always up to that task now I am.
I treasure every moment with them. There is no question I would not have them if I were sane but I do. I am so glad to have the company as the loneliness used to kill me. That is one reason I hooked up with the A.
what a wonderful post! your description of your son matches that of my daughter so closely, even the age. whenever i feel hopeless all i have to do is look at her, think of her, or sometimes i pick up an item of her clothing and smell her scent, and suddenly i'm filled with hope again. she was not only planned but i'd been diagnosed infertile for so many years, her little soul choosing to be with me was completely awe-inspiring me and i have no doubt she's an angel. she either sleeps with me, or starts out the night with me - she has so many new fears, since her bio-dad abused her earlier this summer and is now out of her life - then her "other daddy" (my A) left us, yet came back here and there, now is living with us again - our 21-yr-old cat died - my daughter began to be terrified i was going to die/leave/disappear!! and has clung to me like velcro for 2 months. i don't mind it a bit, i feel like she'll grow up fast enough and i'll miss those clinging arms and all the "i love yous" and all the oh, so many kisses. sighs wistfully. thank you for posting such joy.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
